Let’s Talk About Sex: How to Communicate with Your Partner(s)
Written by Rachael Lindberg, M.S.
On the outside, talking about sex with our romantic partner(s) appears as if it should be easier. We’re consenting adults, we should know what to do, right? Communicating our boundaries and desires related to sex can actually be very difficult. Sex is not a topic that is openly discussed, especially if it is about an area of sex that has been deemed as not socially acceptable to share with others such as kinks, fantasies, and desires. Sex can be an incredibly vulnerable experience and we feel naked, both physically and emotionally. As a sex coach in training and a mental health therapist, I hope the communication strategies below can help open up communication about sex between you and your partner(s). When sex is between consenting adults, everyone deserves to feel comfortable, safe, and respected when talking about sex.
Build a culture of safety and respect within your relationship(s)
The first step to effective communication is to establish a relationship in which you feel safe and respected. It is difficult to be vulnerable with our partner(s) if we do not feel we can share sensitive information with them, especially about sex. A relationship with a culture of safety and respect will show characteristics including, but not limited to, a strong foundation of friendship, ability to compromise, trust and honesty, respect for boundaries and independence, and can depend on each other. These factors may vary depending on what kind of relationship you’re involved in and what your personal preferences are for an ideal romantic or sexual partner.
Practice using “I” Statements
“I” Statements can be an incredibly important tool for effective communication. It reduces blame that may be deflected onto your partner(s) and accepts responsibility for your own emotions. It provides a framework for talking about vulnerable emotions and desires in a way that is especially helpful if we are not used to communicating effectively. Statements such as “You never touch me” or “You only sleep with me when you want to but not when I want to” may have some validity behind the frustration but are not very effective if you are trying to resolve difficulties with your partner(s) related to sex. They place blame on your partner which usually results in defensiveness and, subsequently, an argument where one or both partners feel invalidated and misunderstood.
The structure of an “I” Statement is “I feel [emotion word] when [specified behavior]. I would like [state positive need].” For example, “I felt rejected when I initiated sex on Friday night and was turned down without talking about it. I would like to come up with a way for us to be able to initiate or turn down sex so we can communicate better.” Another example could be, “I felt so honored that you shared your desires with me. Let’s make a plan to talk more about what we do and don’t like so we can be on the same page.” To be honest, using “I” Statements can be a challenge if your partner(s) is not receptive to making positive changes to your communication styles. It takes a lot of courage to set aside any past hurts and work together to improve how you communicate with each other.
Explore your desires and Yes, No, Maybe lists
Another aspect of communicating about sex is knowing what the heck you even enjoy! Take the time to explore, either together or alone, to find out the things you do and don’t enjoy when having sex. I’ll let readers use their imagination to think of what some of those things might be. If you struggle in this area, either due to difficulties with shame related to sex or lack of experience, I encourage seeking out a sex coach or sex therapist to address these concerns. Also, the use of a Yes, No, Maybe inventory, such as this list, can be extremely helpful in identifying activities you might be interested in exploring and those that you would like to set a boundary on activities in which you are not comfortable. A Yes, No, Maybe list outlines specific activities and experiences within topics such as body boundaries, preferred words and terms, relationship models and choices, safer sex behaviors, sexual responses (emotions and behaviors), physical and/or sexual activities, non-physical sexual activities, and contraceptive and reproductive choices. That is a pretty inclusive list of topics that can be extremely important to discuss with romantic or sexual partners. It can seem overwhelming, but the inventory is intended to facilitate the conversation about interests and preferences. A sex coach or therapist can work with you by providing this kind of inventory as an intervention in both individual and couples coaching or counseling.
Take responsibility for your own pleasure
As a consenting adult, you are responsible for knowing and understanding your boundaries, limitations, desires, and pleasures. Unfortunately, our romantic and sexual partner(s) cannot read our minds and magically know what we do and don’t like. To prevent any miscommunication while having sex, talking about these things beforehand during a predetermined moment where you can each give your undivided attention is important. This will strengthen your ability to communicate about sex in general as well as during sexual activity such as when you give or withdraw consent, would like to change the activity, or would like to try something new. If you are not feeling pleasure, be prepared to guide your partner(s) to what would be pleasurable so you can all enjoy the experience. Also, be prepared for any emotional reactions that may occur. Yes, our partner(s) behaviors may elicit emotions, but we are ultimately responsible for what we do with those emotions. Refer to the “I” Statements above to communicate those feelings when needed.
Set clear boundaries
Ultimately, it is essential to set clear boundaries about your interests, pleasures, and desires as they relate to sex. As a simple definition, boundaries help you identify what you are okay with and what you are not okay with. Using a Yes, No, Maybe inventory can be an effective way to explore your romantic and sexual boundaries. Other ways to determine your boundaries can include reflecting on your past sexual and romantic relationships or experiences and figuring out your ideals for future romantic and sexual relationships. You may also have boundaries about your level of involvement with your partner(s) or overall comfort with the kind of relationship you are in, such as a casual relationship or a long-term committed relationship. Setting clear boundaries can help you and your partner(s) communicate more effectively about the activities you do or don’t enjoy and what kind of relationship you would like to have if any. Also, keep in mind that your boundaries can change over time as you discover activities and types of relationships you do or don’t enjoy as you grow through life’s experiences.
Create a ritual for sex
Another helpful strategy for communicating about sex is to establish a routine or schedule for sexual activity such as initiating or turning down sex. Some examples include a “sex candle,” lighting it when trying to initiate and the partner can either accept or blow it out to decline. Scheduling sex can also prevent the anxiety of spontaneously initiating sex. When dating, dates were scheduled all of the time because you more than likely had to plan the next time you were going to see each other. Living together or being in a long-term relationship does not mean that sex cannot be scheduled. Spontaneity can still happen, but if scheduling is helpful, then work with your partner on a strategy that works for both of you. If there is a mismatch with levels of desire between partners, then I encourage seeking sex therapy as that is a separate concern. Other ideas for planning sex can be discussed further with a sex coach or sex therapist. Contact us to see how we can help.