The “perfect” number?

As someone who talks about sex with clients a lot, one of the infamous questions that I get time and again is: Is there a right number of times to have sex?” And, the answer, as frustrating as it may be, is that there is no right number of times to have sex with your partner!  No two couples are the same and thus, there is no correct number of times to have sex.  For some couples, it feels right to sexually connect 2 to 3 times a week, and for other couples it may be more or less.  Not only is there no right number of times to have sex, but this number will likely change throughout the relationship.  What feels right and satisfactory now, may decrease or increase as your relationship continues.

One of the most important things to discuss when considering the right number of times to have a sex for your own relationship, is how satisfied each of you are with the amount of time you are devoting to sexual intimacy.  Are you both satisfied with how often you are having a sexual encounter?  Are you both satisfied with the amount of time that is set aside for a sexual encounter?  Are you both on the same page with how often to initiate a sexual encounter? 

After talking this over with your partner, you might discover that the two of you wish to increase the number of times you are sexually engaging with one another.  The two of you might consider what is happening in your relationship that interferes with making sex more of a priority (if you want it to be)?  Is it poor planning, a lack of support, a lack of trust within the relationship, etc.?  What can you do together to alter your sex life as a couple so that it is more satisfactory?  These are all things that can be addressed during a conversation with your parent or within a couples counseling session, if you think you need extra help having these conversations.

The truth is that there is no perfect number of times to have sex with your partner.  The perfect number is the number that fits you and your partner’s unique relationship.  For some this number might be a few times a week and for others this number might be a few times a month.  Both of these are okay if that is what works for the two of you and both of you are feeling satisfied.  The important thing to remember is try to have an open, honest conversation about your shared sex life.  If you desire more sexual intimacy from your partner, share that with them and then work to carve out more time and space to have that sexual connection. 

I hope you feel comfortable bringing this topic up with your partner.  Either sharing that you are satisfied with how much time you both devote to sexual intimacy or that you would like to carve out more time for sexual intimacy.  I understand that this conversation can be difficult!  Reach out via email ( to schedule an appointment so that I can help you and your partner be on the same page.

Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., LPC-Intern, CST-Candidate

Katie Mitchell is a counselor and Certified Sex Therapist-Candidate at Heights Family Counseling. She believes in using a solution-focused therapeutic approach to therapy, in order to empower clients to discover more effective solutions to their problems. Katie aims to foster a non-judgmental, accepting environment that helps clients to feel comfortable sharing their deepest thoughts and self-reflections. Katie enjoys working with a variety of clientele, such as individuals, couples, and families.  She also enjoys working with both individual and relational sexual concerns.  She understands that an active sex life is incredibly important for most individuals, especially those in a relationship. Learn more about Katie by visiting,, or learn more about our services at,