5 Things Couples Should Do BEFORE Baby Arrives
5 Things Couples Should Do BEFORE Baby Arrives
Written by Steff Brand, M.S., LPC
San Antonio Clinical Director
So, you found out that you are pregnant with your first baby, yay! This can be such an exciting time, and it is likely that your mind is hyper focused on all things newborn. I get it. There is a lot of research to do to determine the supplies you will need to be best prepared for your new addition. How many diapers will you need in each size? What type of formula or breast pump is best? How much stuff do you really need to keep baby safe, entertained, and comfortable? For some expecting parents, it is difficult to think about anything other than what baby will need, especially as you get closer and closer to your due date. As a couples’ therapist, mom, and partner, I love to disrupt this energy and remind clients of another priority that often gets the backburner during the nesting phase, your relationship. Yes, you should stock the basics before bringing your baby home from the hospital, but honestly, they really don’t need much those first few months. Until you meet your little love and learn their individual needs and preferences, it’s tough to really predict what is best. On the other hand, your goals, needs and expectations for your relationship are all things that you can forecast, nurture, and discuss prior to your delivery. If you are not sure where to start, I highly recommend doing the following five things.
Read the Book Baby Bomb
Baby Bomb by Kara Hoppe, MFT and Stan Tatkin, PsyD is one of my favorite resources to recommend to new parents. They market the book as a relationship survival guide for new parents and the content is exactly that and more. They discuss tips for creating and maintaining a secure relationship that is grounded in teamwork, utilizing ten guiding principles:
1) The couple comes first
2) You and your partner take care of yourselves and each other
3) You and your partner make agreements with each other that you respect
4) You and your partner make decisions as a team
5) You and your partner value your own and each other’s needs
6) You and your partner coregulate
7) You and your partner keep your family and your work lives in balance
8) You and your partner redefine romance to keep your couple connection alive
9) You and your partner fight for two winners
10) You and your partner parent and partner with sensitivity, respect, and trust
As a couples’ therapist that often incorporates attachment theory into my work, I really appreciate how the authors include specific examples of couples putting these principles into practice to prioritize secure attachment. They also illustrate how easily attachment wounds can resurface and disconnection can occur when these principles are ignored. I’m a big fan of the books And Baby Makes Three and Becoming Us as well, but if you only have time for one, Baby Bomb is my top recommendation.
Plan a Babymoon
When you read this heading, you might instantly start thinking about all the expenses that you already have to bring baby into this world. Here me out. This one doesn’t have to be expensive. Camp in your backyard, do weekend long day dates and then turn your home into a hotel like experience, or search for an affordable Airbnb that is local and that you can escape to for at least one night. Just find some way to disrupt your everyday routine so you can really focus on having fun with your partner without all the normal chores and stressors. Depending on your goals as a parent, you might not see yourself traveling for a while after baby arrives. In which case, I encourage you to try to take one last trip as just a couple if your budget does allow for it. It’s the last opportunity before you have to think about arranging childcare or packing ALL THE THINGS for transporting a little one. Seriously, just do it.
Talk About Your Vision for Your Life and Relationship After Baby
Take some time with your partner to discuss realistic expectations for when baby arrives. Ask open-ended questions and be prepared to be surprised by some of your partner’s responses. Try to be as honest as possible with yours and do not sugar coat your concerns or fears. If you discover areas of misalignment, do not ignore them or assume they will work themselves out on their own, especially if your partner’s opinion strongly conflicts with any personal values that you hold. Everything becomes more intense when you are sleep deprived and more easily irritable. Start discussing ways to compromise before issues arise to help avoid feelings of frustration or resentment and so that alignment is easier to achieve. I often recommend the following questions as a starting point for expecting couples. Many of these are pulled from or inspired by the Gottmans’ Questions Before Baby Card Deck.
1) During tough financial times, what are our main strategies for providing?
2) Regarding birth, developmental milestones, rites of passage, etc., who keeps family and friends up to date?
3) What other families do you admire and why?
4) How much money is "enough" to have a child?
5) What steps can you take to help your child be ready for independence, financially and otherwise? At what age?
6) How will you carve out time for yourself after the baby arrives? How much private time and space do you need?
7) How would you describe an ideal birth?
8) Whom do you want to help us once we are home?
9) How do you respond to sleep deprivation? What helps you cope with stress the best?
10) In what ways are you emotionally prepared to parent?
11) Which of your qualities are best suited for parenting? Which do you feel need improvement?
12) What do you anticipate being the biggest challenge as a new parent?
13) How do you feel about traveling with children? At what age?
14) What feelings arise when you think of caring for an infant by yourself?
15) How scheduled do you think a child's life should be?
16) How will having a baby affect your friendships?
17) How will you balance competing time demands of work and family?
18) When the workload balance gets lopsided, how will you address the issue?
19) How do you plan to nourish your relationship as a couple when there is a baby needing your attention?
20) What will be our individual and shared responsibilities once the baby arrives?
Seek Relationship Counseling
Yes, I know I am biased here but this is the best gift that you can give yourself and your partner when expecting a baby, especially the first time around. I have even seen couples put this as a registry item for the baby shower, allowing friends and family to pitch in to finance the first few sessions. Couples therapy is not just for when you are struggling with your relationship, and it is absolutely not just for times of crisis. I frequently commend couples for scheduling an intake proactively because the best time to talk about your needs and goals for your relationship is when you are feeling regulated and connected to your partner. If you schedule your first session when you are in crisis, it is really hard for people to hear their partner’s messages or to feel heard themselves. I recommend finding a couples’ therapist when you are expecting a baby even if you feel like you are in complete alignment with your partner. I have never heard someone say the first few months with a new baby are easy. Finding a therapist that you like and trust during a calmer season will set you up for quicker support when you are hit with a major life change. They will prepare you with loads of resources for managing postpartum issues, prioritizing connection in your relationship, finding compromise when feeling stuck, and maintaining balance with all your important roles. Most of the clinicians in our office are comfortable with you bringing your newborn to your session or they will offer Telehealth options so you can safely and comfortably continue care after delivery too.
Make a Quality Time Idea Jar
If you have worked with me, you already know that I am a major advocate for idea jars. I recommend them for kids when they are overwhelmed, anxious, or just bored. I suggest them for adults to prioritize self-care, long to-do lists, or bucket list items. So, of course, this one is on my list for new parents that are craving quality, adult time with their partner. When you find yourself experiencing an empty cup, it can be really hard to find brain energy to fill it back up. This is why I often encourage folks to create an idea jar when you are feeling energized and motivated. You can set yourself up for success so all you need to do is execute during the harder moments. For couples, just make a list of different things you like to do with the other person. Make sure both of your core needs are represented in the list even if you are taking turns doing things that one person enjoys more. Then rip up little pieces of paper and put the different ideas on each strip. Find a jar, cup, box, whatever you have lying around and fill it up with as many ideas as you can. Then, put the container some place in your home that you frequently pass during the day. Make a commitment to each other for how often you want to pull out and execute an idea from the jar. Do NOT wait until you are in crisis to start this activity. Remember, quality time can be during baby’s nap or bedtime, and it does not even have to involve leaving the house. Though, it certainly can if you discover that is what you are needing the most!
Congratulations again if you are expecting a baby! While the upcoming season might be stressful, it will also be filled with so much love and happiness at the same time. Do what you can to prepare yourself, your home, and your relationship for this new addition, but also remember to relax, prioritize self-care, and enjoy the ride too. To schedule an intake with one of our highly trained couples therapists in San Antonio, you can click here. To work with someone in Houston, click here. You can also find our favorite parenting resources on our website here.