Closed, Open, or Something in Between: Navigating Love & Desire in Gay Relationships

Written by: Ty Neely, M.S., LPC, NCC, CST
Lead Creative Therapist
Certified Sex Therapist

While the majority culture still perceives monogamy as the primary structure for romantic relationships, over 55% of gay male relationships are non-monogamous. When I share this research data with many of my gay male clients, they often feel shocked that the number is not higher. They often feel like they are the only gay guy who seems to want monogamy and feeling pressures from many directions to be non-monogamous, even if they don’t want to be. My goal in writing this blog is to share a short snippet about various relationship styles to help gay men feel the freedom and confidence to explore whatever relationship structures and styles authentically fit them. I am not here to advocate for any specific relationship style as what is best for you, for me, for John Doe and Sally Sue are all going to be different—one size does NOT fit all.

So why is non-monogamy so common amongst gay men?

Part of being gay is being considered different or an outsider in relation to majority culture. For many LGBTQ+ individuals, part of the self-acceptance and self-love journey includes having to deviate from traditional social norms and constructs. Many people follow the social norms that they are taught throughout childhood and later, listening to the “should’s” of culture, society, family, peers, etc. When LGBTQ+ people come out and live authentically, they have to break away from those norms and tend to reassess all/many of the “should’s” that they have been taught and are less open to following social expectations just because it’s “normal” or tradition. Since monogamy has been the traditional relationship style for much of the world for a long time now, most people struggle to even perceive options outside of that structure, but queer folks have had to become comfortable living outside of mainstream cultural structures and tend to pursue choices in life based upon authentic desire rather than cultural expectation.

Additionally, men are often taught that success as a man includes having many sexual partners. Men are conditioned from a young age to value sexual conquest and experience in a way that can be purely physical and pleasure-oriented without much or any emotional vulnerability or intimacy. Contrarily, many women are taught to protect their sexuality and only share it with trusted and intimate partners. When you take women out of the sexual equation and leave only gay men, there is a higher frequency of sexual encounters that are light, unemotional, and purely just for fun-making consensual non-monogamy/open relationships seem less threatening and more interesting.

What even is an open relationship?

The answer to that is not quite as simple as you may think. Tom and Juan’s open relationship may look completely different from Matt and Sean’s. The most common style of consensually non-monogamous relationship (CNM) among gay men is where the couple stays emotionally monogamous (no romantic connections outside of the primary relationship), while being open to sexual experiences with other individuals. Some couples only are open to sex with others when both partners are present and involved, some are open to playing together or apart, some only play apart. Other forms of CNM that may be more explicitly polyamorous would include relationships where partners are allowed to form emotional/romantic attachments to other individuals as well. Some of those relationships keep the original couple as the primary relationship and have others as secondary in a hierarchical structure. Some relationships intentionally avoid hierarchy and have relationships with various people where no specific relationship takes priority over another.

Which style is right for me?

This question is complex and not something that a blog post can adequately answer. I definitely suggest talking this out with a sex-positive therapist who is experienced with CNM. As you start thinking about what you want from a relationship, think about your relationship with sex and with romance. What are your insecurities? How good at communication and boundary setting and enforcement are you? How well do you trust your partner (if you have one)? Are you excellent at listening to, processing, and communicating your emotions? CNM relationships require extensive and consistent communication and boundaries. If you already struggle with communicating your emotions, then it will only get more difficult when your partner’s sexual exploration hurts you or your jealousy kicks in. Jealousy is not the bad word in CNM that many people think it is. Jealousy is normal-it is an emotion. We must talk about it, address it, and find ways to establish security and safety with our partners. We cannot hide jealousy or pretend that it never ever comes up-it most likely will at some point, even in monogamous relationships.

Being monogamous does not mean you don’t have to communicate and have good boundaries as well. Many monogamous couples have very different implied definitions of monogamy, and often they neglect to share these definitions and expectations with each other, leading partners to think they are honoring the boundaries of their relationship while actually betraying their partner. Some people view porn or masturbation as cheating, some do not. Some view intimate friendships with people of a certain gender to be cheating, others do not. Even if you are monogamous, it is essential that you and your partner sit down and define the boundaries and parameters of your relationship structure.

Boundary Contract

I always suggest my clients to create relationship contracts where all partners work together to clearly define expectations, the yes’s, the no’s, the maybe’s, and anything else around what they want in their relationship. Having these boundaries in writing helps everyone make sure they are on the same page and know that they can trust their partners to respect their wants and needs. These contracts can (and need to) change over time as partners explore things, work through issues and learn more about themselves and each other-just make sure that all changes are made together.

Conclusion

Did this post clear everything up for you or did it give you about 1,000 more questions? I hope it actually brings up many more questions. Not all monogamy is the same, not all non-monogamy is the same. The happiest people in relationship are the ones that take their authentic wants, needs, and desires and specifically tailor relationship structures and styles around themselves and their partners. Don’t let anyone else tell you that you should be open or you should be closed. Ignore all of the “should’s” and listen to yourself and your emotions. If you/you and your partner(s) are struggling with what type of structure or boundaries to have in your relationship, maybe it’s time to meet with someone who can guide you through that process. I am here to help you find the relationship that makes you the happiest and most fulfilled-regardless of what it looks like.