Staying Mentally Well After Maternity Leave is Over
Written by Steff Brand, M.S., LPC
San Antonio Lead Clinical Therapist
There is so much hype around supporting our people during maternity leave, and that is for good reason. The first few weeks of a baby’s life are arguably some of the hardest that a mom ever experiences. Moms are inevitably dealing with sleep deprivation that likely started long before baby even arrived due to discomfort with their growing bodies, exploding bladders, and for some, increasing anxiety around all the baby preparations. During maternity leave, moms are physically, mentally, and emotionally recovering from childbirth, and more often than we talk about, some form of birth trauma. They are healing significant injuries, coping with a massive shift in their identities, and trying not to completely lose it while their hormones are bouncing around like little snowflakes in a Christmas snow globe. They are instructed to rest and heal and put themselves first, but also instructed to feed their baby on demand, tend to cries quickly, and show up to their pediatrician’s office literally days after leaving the hospital. Maternity leave is not a glamorous vacation from work and other responsibilities; it is a complete system reboot with alarms blaring and moms attempting to solve problems with no handbook for their baby’s unique needs. I definitely don’t write this blog to minimize the newborn phase, but I do want to call attention to another really hard time in a new mother’s life: the post maternity leave stage.
The post maternity leave stage is that time where things get a little easier with baby, but arguably harder overall. Your baby is gaining some independence and can maybe play on their own here and there. You can sit for chunks of time and finish a meal or knock out some of the dishes. Feeds are less frequent, allowing a little more time for other tasks.
At the same time…. maybe you have returned to work and are trying to juggle full time employee responsibilities while also making sure your baby has everything they need to get through their day. Mom guilt is strong when you drop them off at daycare or leave them with a sitter and must wave goodbye to tears. Your friends and family have stopped checking in and dropping off meals, so you are expected to manage all the household responsibilities again while your hormones are still all over the place and your body is still not feeling completely normal. Google says your baby should be sleeping through the night, but every time they learn a new skill or pop out a new tooth, sleep is disrupted, and it feels like the newborn stage all over again. You are reminiscing about spontaneous nights out and craving your old identity while simultaneously panicking that time with your baby is flying by way too quickly. Making plans with friends is never conducive for nap or bedtime routines; and so oftentimes you pass on opportunities that you know would be helpful for your own mental health and for maintaining close relationships.
If this is feeling relatable to you or sounds like an experience described by a loved one, then keep reading. I have included a few realistic ideas for new moms to stay mentally well after maternity leave.
First, get out of the house.
In session, I challenge clients to establish realistic goals and then I will hold them accountable for completing them from week to week. With new moms, we often will look at their calendar for the upcoming month and build a schedule that excites them but does not feel too hard to achieve. A common objective I hear is to just get out of the house and do something fun, without their baby, once a month. This might be leaning on a family member or babysitter so they can have a date night with their partner. This could be going for a walk with some people they met in a local mom group on Facebook. Sometimes this is getting dinner with long term friends or coworkers where they give themselves permission to just talk about them and not the milestones their baby is or is not achieving.
Next, move your body.
If you can make it to the gym regularly, that is fantastic. If that feels exhausting to even think about, find a realistic way to incorporate movement into your daily routine. Do twenty squats while holding your baby. Stretch for ten minutes once your baby is asleep for the night. Participate in a virtual yoga class with your baby right next to you in their playpen. Exercise is often one of the first commitments to go when things get busy. Instead of skipping the task completely, ask yourself “what can I do instead?” and choose at least one small physical activity that you can do to honor a commitment to yourself. Movement is so critical for staying well both physically and mentally. Yes, your sweet little bundle of joy is important, but so are you. Make the time.
Finally, do at least one intentional self-care item each day.
I love this one. This act is something that my husband and I implemented day one of becoming parents. It is an opportunity to remind ourselves that we matter and are better parents when we are attending to our needs. It is also a way to contribute to our relational piggy bank – we often feel loved and supported when the other person is offering to watch our daughter while we get some much-needed ME time. We hold each other accountable by asking, “what are you doing for self-care today?” We trust each other not to take advantage of the other person’s time and choose tasks that are realistic for our family’s schedule. Some examples are taking a hot bath or shower with zero interruptions, taking thirty minutes to read or self-reflect through journaling, attending a personal wellness appointment like therapy or chiropractic care, baking muffins or making dinner without multitasking, and taking a nap. This practice has been so important for myself and for my clients navigating the new mom stage.
The first year of your child’s life is especially demanding. This is your reminder to make and honor commitments to yourself so you can stay mentally well and show up for those parental demands. Many of my clients are individuals and couples that have worked with me for years. Through our long therapeutic relationships, I have gotten to really understand their triggers, insecurities, effective coping skills, and core needs. I feel privileged to hear their experiences as they navigate so many different phases of life and one of my favorite experiences to hear about and help manage is the entryway to parenthood. If you are a new parent or are considering children in the future, I would love to meet you, really understand you, and challenge you during the beautiful mess that is parenting.