The Vicious Cycle of Cancelling Plans: How to show up without compromising your boundaries

By: Kelley Morgan, M.A. LPC, NCC

I think we can all agree on one thing: we’re tired. Between work deadlines, family obligations, the discipline of caring for ourselves and our homes, it’s easy to feel like there’s nothing left to give at the end of the day. And if all of that wasn't enough, we cannot discount the toll of almost boundary-less electronic communication bidding for our attention. The constant ping of notifications on our phones and laptops. The pseudo-connection of social media. And all woven through the lingering cultural impact of post-pandemic isolation. It’s no wonder so many of us feel like we're stretched so thin we practically need an assistant. 

These factors have all worked together to reinforce a normalization of being chronically productive and constantly available through email, texts, work chats, and social media messaging. This is not a sustainable way for humans to live so it encourages us to cut corners where we can. Texting and social media give us a window into the lives of others in the most low effort way possible. We can confuse these interactions for meaningful social connection, but it is not a substitute for being in the presence of those we care about, sharing energy, hearing their voice, feeling the warmth of a hug. Without noticing, we've made this trade and, coupled with feeling too often overwhelmed and overextended, it's ushered in a trend of people consistently canceling plans. Plans are canceled under the guise of “self-care.” Commitments are abandoned with a combination of guilt and relief. These choices can feel justified in the moment—after all, we’re all just trying to protect our peace. But over time, this pattern takes a toll on our relationships, our sense of purpose, and the richness of our lives.

So in our modern world, how do we find the energy and will to consistently show up, even when it feels hard? How do we balance our need for self-care with the responsibility we have to the people we love and the commitments we’ve made?

When it's about boundaries and when we're just avoiding

Boundaries have become a buzzword in the modern wellness space, and for good reason—they’re essential for maintaining our mental health, protecting our energy, and honoring our values. But in our collective exhaustion, the line between setting a healthy boundary and avoiding discomfort has started to blur.

True boundaries are meant to protect your well-being while fostering healthy relationships, working as structural support within the network of our lives. Avoidance, on the other hand, is a survival skill turned defense mechanism that seeks short-term relief by withdrawing from effortful engagement. Our nervous system cries out and avoidance resounds. And this is where it gets tricky. It might feel like a boundary to say no to plans when you’re tired, but if saying no becomes your default response, you might be avoiding the effort and inconvenience that yields the very things that bring meaning, connection, and even healing to your life.

The cost of avoidance is subtle but significant. On the front end, we feel the thrill of the immediate benefit: a night of rest, a reprieve from effort, or the comfort of staying in our bubble. But on the backend of this transaction we begin to observe the costs: trust erodes when commitments are broken. Relationships weaken when effort is one-sided. And perhaps most tragically, we miss out on the joy, growth, and sense of belonging that come from showing up, even when it’s inconvenient. It’s not just about how other people see or perceive us, it’s a narrative we subconsciously construct  about ourselves. One that says "I can’t trust myself to follow through" or "I can't tolerate the distress of inconvenience even when people are counting on me", and, maybe most dangerously, we lose our ability to consider the needs and reasonable expectations of others with true empathy when faced with the stress of a perceived sacrifice.

So let's get to some strategies for how to support ourselves in changing our perspective a bit and breaking this habit.

When something is hard, we have to find the "why".

As we've discussed, relationships don’t thrive on convenience—they thrive on effort. The sacrifices we make to attend a loved one’s birthday, to be present for a friend’s big moment, or to simply share a meal aren’t just obligations; they’re investments in trust, connection, and joy. This is key to identifying our "why". It’s tempting to view showing up as one more demand on our time and energy. That perception elicits feelings like dread, anxiety, frustration, and resentment. It also encourages distorted thoughts like "I don't even want to go, this is an obligation" or "No one will even care if I'm there or not, this is so dumb". These distorted thoughts make it easier to rationalize bowing out. But intentionally reframing showing up as an act of self-care—a way to nurture the relationships that sustain us—can conjure totally different thoughts and feelings. "I usually leave a dinner with friends feeling so grateful and energized" or "I gain so many contacts when I network, it always ends up being worth my time."  Using empathy to imagine how much your presence may actually mean to the person that requested your company can help, too. Empathy reminds us that showing up is not just about what it brings to our lives, but also what it means for the people we care about. It can be the difference between someone feeling supported and someone feeling forgotten. Whether it's a loved one or a stranger, someone took the time to throw the event, prepare for the party, or save seats at a show. Seeing you walk in will likely feel like, at the least, a show of meaningful support and a validation of their efforts. And, at best, it may feel like a powerful expression of love. "They're here!!! I matter." Is there a better reason to show up than that? 

Supporting your nervous system through hard things

Anxiety is one of the most common causes of canceling plans and it can arise from a multitude of factors when a commitment is made: social interactions, navigating a new part of town, finding a parking space, not knowing anyone at the event, or knowing your opportunity to relax at home has been delayed. These and challenges like them ask us to stretch our tolerance for discomfort. We all know that growth often happens in the spaces where we stretch. Here are a few ways to support your nervous system when you feel the anxiety of anticipating doing something you don't feel like doing.

1. Seek out encouragement from someone who knows you’ve set this goal. Ask them to  remind you why it’s important, what’s to gain, and that you can absolutely tolerate the fear, anxiety, self doubt, or any other uncomfortable feeling that has been a historic barrier. If they are in your presence and it feels safe to ask, physical touch can be a powerful way to calm our bodies. A hug, a literal shoulder to lean on, a gentle hand on your back, all of these forms of touch can help ground your nervous system and alleviate anxiety.

2. Utilize nervous system regulating supports like diaphragmatic breathing, going for a walk, listening to music, a cold shower, humming or singing, or using your favorite app for a calming meditation to ground yourself in preparation for the challenge. If you have an interest in the science behind this, please check out articles or videos about the tone of your vagus nerve (the nerve that's responsible for your fight or flight response!).

3. Whether you're someone that finds peace through prayer, a fan of positive affirmations, or a manifestation girly, what we believe has an immeasurable impact on our choices. Prayer offers a powerful spiritual or religious connection for those that see their faith as a central part of their lives. It can provide a calming clarity and a sense that you are supported by the strength of your higher power or collective consciousness. Positive affirmations are like emotional kegels, if you will. It's a practice that, however uncomfortable, strengthens our resilience and reinforces our belief in our ability to endure difficulty or achieve success. And, finally, for my manifestors, envisioning yourself living the life you want, having the experiences you hope for, and generally believing good things will happen primes your brain to look for evidence of your success and joy.  When we are nervous, all of these practices are fantastic tools for generating compassion, confidence, and reducing anxiety.

But, like...what about boundaries?

Reconnecting with others doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your own well-being. Finding balance that supports your goal to show up for them and to show up for you is within reach.

• Explore your boundaries: Check in with yourself. Are you avoiding discomfort or genuinely protecting your energy? If you know you do not have the internal resources to do more, set limits that allow you to show up without overextending or simply decline the invitation. Let's normalize being assertive when asked and saying no then rather than avoiding an uncomfortable moment and canceling later.

• Start small: You can set goals to reconnect with loved ones in simple ways—send a thoughtful text, leave a voice message, or schedule a quick coffee. When a tiny plant breaks through the soil, we don't stomp on it for not being immediately grown and in bloom. It needs time and nourishment to flourish. And so do you. 

• Normalize imperfection: You don’t have to show up perfectly or have it all together. Your presence is usually what matters most. Perfectionism is shame costumed as an invulnerability to judgment, and it's usually a backwards way of feeling justified in procrastinating or avoiding. People don't need the you that feels safest on a pedestal. They want the you they can connect with, and that version of you has both feet on the ground. Ideally in front of them. At the event you agreed to attend. 

• Schedule connection: Build social engagement into your routines. Expectations are one of the most powerful forces in our lives. They shape our perception and thusly our emotional response to what's going on around us and in us. Our energy and our time are finite resources, just like money. When you build a financial budget, you must account for what you have to spend and what you need to spend it on. The more honest we are in listing our financial commitments, the better our expectations align with our reality. Build your schedule the same way. Consider your time and your energy, how you want to allocate it, and spend it accordingly. 

• Nurture your energy: Prioritize practices that restore you, like rest, nourishing food, and movement. Make sure when building your schedule, you account as best you can for these practices, as well. If they are new, start small, be encouraging, and show appreciation for your efforts. If we feel our efforts are never enough for someone else, we grow apathetic and give up. This works the same way within our relationship with ourselves.

A Vision for the Future

Imagine a world where showing up for each other is the norm—a world where commitments are honored, relationships are prioritized, and empathy guides our choices.

When we step into this way of living, we don’t just enrich the lives of those around us; we also expand our own capacity for love, purpose, and connection. The effort we put into showing up, even when it’s hard, becomes the foundation of trust, belonging, and joy that sustains us through life’s challenges.

So, the next time you’re faced with the choice to show up or stay home, ask yourself: What might I gain by being there? What might someone else gain from my presence? Lead with empathy, embrace selflessness, and let your actions reflect the love and care you wish to see in the world.

There is no room for using shame as a tool of motivation when the action is born of love. I am sending you patience and confidence this year in your journey that guides you both back to yourself and into your future!Counseling can be a scary step, but we want to make it as easy for you as possible. We have Counseling options in Houston, San Antonio, and virtual counseling! Contact us to learn more.