De-shaming Pleasure: Normalizing Masturbation as a Healthy Part of Self-Care
Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC, NCC, CST
Certified Sex Therapist
HFC Lead Therapist and Creative Director
It isn’t too hard to convince people that taking care of our bodies is good and healthy, especially around the start of a new year. We don’t have shame around hitting up the gym, going to the doctor, or getting a full 8 hours of sleep. Yet when it comes to sexual self-care, we rarely post about finding a new way to pleasure ourselves in the same way that we brag about hitting a new PR in the gym. I am not necessarily saying that we need to be posting for the whole world to see every time we masturbate (because…consent), but why do we have so much shame around something that is truly self-care?
Masturbation is a normal, natural part of life for all humans, regardless of sex or gender. Research has shown evidence of children in the womb playing with their penises and clitorises for pleasure. If we are doing it before we are even born, then it has to be part of our nature. Humans are naturally sexual beings, and whether we like it or not, we are going to want to explore. Use of pornography among minors is increasing rapidly, and the age of first-use is decreasing to a point where many 10-year-old boys and girls are using pornography to explore their sexuality. If we normalize and educate our children about healthy sexuality and self-exploration from a younger age, we could prevent our children from learning about sexuality in unhealthy ways. Due to this lack of education out of fear and shame around sexuality and masturbation, many adults are also vastly uneducated and uncomfortable exploring their bodies. Let me tell you why it is worth exploring.
How is masturbation self-care?
A simple Google search can bring up the list of health benefits from masturbation:
- Stress relief
- Improved sleep
- Better mood
- Improved self-esteem
- Pain relief (menstrual cramps, muscle tension, headaches, and joint aches)
- Improved sexual health
- Improved immune function
- Improved heart health
- Improved pelvic floor strength
Who wouldn’t enjoy the benefits of the items on this list? Medical research has found time and time again that masturbation, orgasm, and sex can have fantastic physical health benefits. Can you think of anything that has so many health benefits and is also as fun and enjoyable as masturbation? Nope? Didn’t think so.
Masturbation is also taking time out of your busy and stressful schedule to slow down and focus on yourself. It is a great exercise for being focused on the present. Turn off the porn and focus on your body. Get into the moment with you and yourself alone. Connect to what feels good to touch on your body, what doesn’t feel good. Try new things! Masturbation is not just stroking your penis or using a vibrator on your clitoris (those options are great though). Masturbation can be anything that is touching your own body in a way that brings you sexual pleasure. Masturbation could include rubbing your nipples, massaging your own arms, fingering your anus for prostate stimulation, or even touching your belly-button if it brings you pleasure. Try using wet lubricants like water-based or silicone-based lube, or lubes with flavors or tingling/temperature sensations. Other items like Albolene or lotions can be helpful for long penile masturbation sessions to avoid irritation or chafing. *Before using any product on your genitals, or especially inside of your vagina or anus, please research the product and its ingredients to ensure safety.
Is masturbation good for my relationship(s)?
Yes! One of the biggest problems in sexual relationships is a lack of communication and/or understanding of how to please your partner(s), and one of the main reasons for that issue is people not knowing their own bodies and what brings them pleasure. Taking time to explore your own body and learn what pleasures you, what may turn you off, and even what may lead to orgasm is an essential part of making a sexual relationship work.
Now, can masturbation become problematic in a relationship, yes. However, masturbation as the activity is not the issue, but rather how we engage with masturbation is what can become an issue. If you are using masturbation as a way to avoid sexual intimacy with your partner, rather than to take care of your needs in addition to your partner or to prepare for sex with your partner, that is unhealthy. If you notice that you are feeling an urge to avoid sex with your partner, consider sex therapy or talking to your partner to discern what is leading to that avoidance. If you and/or your partner view pornography as cheating, then you don’t need to use pornography to masturbate. Instead, focus on your own body or fantasize about sex with your partner.
So, what about toys? Yay or nay?
Yay! Sexual aids/sex toys can be fantastic tools for self-pleasure and exploration. Finding aids that fit your body, whether cismale, cisfemale, transmasc or trans fem (no/pre-op or post-op), there are options for you. There are options that vibrate, options that suck, options for stroking, options that penetrate, options that add some controlled pain, options that add unique sensory sensations, and the list really goes on pretty infinitely. Taking a trip to a sex shop in your area can also be a really educational experience. Don’t be afraid to ask the staff there about their products and get their advice. Those stores can be overwhelming with so many options, so don’t be anxious about asking for help-we all need it.
More questions?
As this is just an introduction in to the idea and value of masturbation, I am sure you have many more questions. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends about tips, tricks, and ideas. Sexuality is normal and something that we really need to remove shame from talking about. If you aren’t ready just yet to talk to friends, maybe consider speaking to a sex therapist for a professional’s perspective.