Updated: Age-Appropriate Topics to Discuss Sex
By: Katie Mitchell, M.A., LPC, CST
Senior Lead Clinical and Sex Therapist
This blog article has been shared so many times since originally writing in 2018! Due to the sheer number of times our office is asked about these questions, I wanted to provide an updated blog with the latest book recommendations!
Many parents dread the age when their child is old enough that they “need” to have a talk about sex. A lot of parents are completely confused about what information is age-appropriate and when these conversations should even start. I am here to help with the confusion!
It’s essential to provide information about what topics are age-appropriate and to offer resources (books and websites) that will help initiate and foster these sex-positive conversations. Most importantly, remember that children and teens want a safe place to ask questions and receive accurate information. If they don’t get the correct information from a parent, they’ll often seek out answers from peers, which can be unreliable. Remember, it’s up to you to bring up the subject. If left to them, they may never ask!
0-3 years: Name It, Claim It, and Explain
Use anatomically correct names for all body parts with your children, including genitals (penis, vulva, vagina, testicles). It is just as important for them to know these as it is for them to know “elbow” or “knee.” This is the time to begin talking about the differences between male and female anatomy and to explain pregnancy and birth in simple terms. Encourage children to understand ownership over their own body, laying the groundwork for future discussions about consent. Young children may touch themselves (self-soothing rather than sexual stimulation), and you can guide them to understand that this is natural but should be done privately.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“C is for Consent” by Eleanor Morrison (2018): A great introduction to body autonomy and consent for young children.
“Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts” by Gail Saltz (2008): This is a simple, age-appropriate book that helps very young children understand their bodies.
3-5 years: Time for Ask and Tell
Continue the dialogue from “Name It, Claim It, and Explain,” and begin encouraging conversations about privacy and body awareness. Develop an Ask-and-Tell dialogue to help children express what feels good and what doesn’t regarding their bodies, which can extend beyond sexuality into emotional connections with their body.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“My Body! What I Say Goes!” by Jayneen Sanders (2016): A helpful resource in teaching young children about personal boundaries and how to express themselves.
“Your Body Belongs to You” by Cornelia Spelman (1997): A good book for teaching children about personal boundaries and body autonomy.
5-8 years: Puberty Politeness
Continue the themes from earlier stages. Begin explaining sexual intercourse in simple biological terms, as well as variations in sexual orientation (heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality). Some children may start puberty as young as nine, so addressing this before it happens is essential. Reinforce respect as a central part of any sexual experience and continue building conversations about what feels good or uncomfortable for them.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“What’s the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Girls and Boys” by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown (2020): A fresh resource for discussing sex education topics with young children.
“I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private” by Kimberly King and Zack King (2008): This book, from a kid’s perspective, helps children understand body boundaries in a clear and age-appropriate way.
8-10 years: Less Questions, More Curiosity
By this age, children are usually ready for basic discussions about topics like puberty, relationships, consent, and even sensitive issues like abuse. Begin discussing the concept of pleasure, helping them understand that everyone has the capacity for it, regardless of gender or sexuality. Continue to encourage self-esteem and body autonomy.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“Sex is a Funny Word” by Cory Silverberg (2015): This inclusive book addresses gender, bodies, and sexual orientation in a fun and engaging way.
“What Makes a Baby” by Cory Silverberg (2013): A modern picture book that covers conception, gestation, and birth in a way that’s inclusive of all families and gender identities.
9-12 years: What Makes a Good Relationship
At this stage, kids may become less likely to ask questions, so it’s important to keep the conversation going. Focus on healthy relationships, including topics like contraception, consent, and boundaries. Discuss how to handle relationships and friendships in respectful and healthy ways.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“Growing Up Great!: The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys” by Scott Todnem (2019): A comprehensive guide on puberty for boys, covering topics like hygiene, body changes, and feelings.
“Celebrate Your Body (and Its Changes, Too!): The Ultimate Puberty Book for Girls” by Sonya Renee Taylor (2018): A positive and inclusive guide to help girls through puberty, body changes, and self-esteem.
13-18 years: The Pleasure Talk
Now is the time to focus on the broader aspects of sexuality, including relationships, communication, and the difference between love and lust. Reinforce the importance of sexual and reproductive healthcare, and provide access to relevant resources. Conversations about the emotional and physical aspects of sexuality are crucial.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“Welcome to Your Period!” by Yumi Stynes and Melissa Kang (2021): A light-hearted, comprehensive guide for teens about periods and other puberty topics.
“The Every Body Book: The LGBTQ+ Inclusive Guide for Kids About Sex, Gender, Bodies, and Families” by Rachel E. Simon (2020): This is a modern and inclusive resource for kids exploring relationships, gender, and sexuality.
“Girl: Love, Sex, Romance, and Being You” by Karen Rayne, Ph.D. (2017): A modern guide aimed at teen girls, covering sex, relationships, and consent.
“Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys” by Cara Natterson (2017): A puberty guide for boys, focusing on the physical and emotional changes during adolescence.
“Consent (for Kids!): Boundaries, Respect, and Being in Charge of YOU” by Rachel Brian (2020): An illustrated guide that teaches kids and teens about consent in an approachable and easy-to-understand way.
18+ years: Open Up
Continue to be available for support, providing them with independence and privacy to explore their sexuality. Offer emotional support and guidance on accessing sexual and reproductive healthcare.
Recent Book Recommendation:
“Doing It: Let’s Talk About Sex” by Hannah Witton (2019): This book covers a wide range of topics from consent to relationships, and reproductive health, aimed at young adults.
“Beyond the Big Talk: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens” by Debra W. Haffner (2008): This book provides a comprehensive guide for parents navigating sex education with their teens.
“Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between: The New and Necessary Conversations Today’s Teenagers Need to Have about Consent, Sexual Harassment, Healthy Relationships, Love, and More” by Shafia Zaloom (2019): A thorough guide on how to talk about all aspects of sexual relationships, focusing on respect, consent, and love.
General Sex Education Resources for Parents and Kids:
“Raising Body Positive Teens: A Parent’s Guide to Loving Your Teen’s Body, Embracing Their Sexuality, and Cultivating a Healthy Body Image” by Sigrun Danielsdottir (2022): A practical guide to fostering a positive body image and open conversations about sexuality.
“The Parents’ Guide to Teaching Consent: Raising Kids Who Will Say No, Have Their Own Backs, and Understand That Consent is So Much More Than ‘Yes’ or ‘No’” by Mike Domitrz (2020): An essential guide for parents to teach consent and bodily autonomy.