How Self-Esteem Affects Your Communication Style
WRITTEN BY STEFF BRAND, M.S.
NATIONALLY CERTIFIED COUNSELOR
LPC-Associate
There is a strong correlation between self-esteem and having the ability to communicate your needs and opinions. When your self-esteem is low, you avoid speaking up for yourself because the possibility of judgment from others is much scarier than coping with the situation on your own. You are constantly looking for validation from your peers and avoid opportunities for rejection at all costs. Unhealthy self-esteem is also linked with distorted thinking that makes you feel like your needs are less important than others’ needs, so it is common to convince yourself not to set boundaries. If you are unsure where your self-esteem falls on the spectrum, try reading the statements below to determine which category resonates with you the most.
Statements That Reflect Low Self Esteem:
o I spend a lot of my time worrying about what other people think of me
o I experience shame when I make a mistake
o I doubt myself often
o Decision making is difficult
o Procrastination is my middle name
o I tend to get defensive and blame others when things don’t go my way
o I often victimize myself
o I frequently experience anxious or depressive thoughts
o I feel guilty often
o I have perfectionism tendencies
o I am apologizing to people all the time
o I am quick to feel like a burden to others
o Asking for help from others is difficult for me
o I believe that others’ opinions and feelings are more important than mine
o I frequently become overwhelmed
o I often feel left out in group settings
o I find myself staying in toxic relationships and situations
o It is really easy to peer pressure me
o I rely on other people to make me feel good about myself
o Words of affirmation is my love language
o I crave approval from others to know I am doing the right thing
o When I receive constructive feedback, I focus on what I did wrong
o I like to resolve conflict quickly because I hate when people are mad at me
o I often compare myself to others
Statements That Reflect Healthy Self Esteem:
o My life has meaning and purpose
o I stick to my value system
o I have realistic expectations and standards
o People tell me I can communicate well with others
o Setting boundaries is a must for me
o I can accept constructive feedback
o I don’t fixate on others’ judgments
o I can easily ask for help when I need it
o I am comfortable when out in groups of people
o I avoid getting involved in the gossip about others
o I am able to handle disappointment
o I can think for myself
o I am more likely to make my own choices than give into peer pressure
o Decision making is not a big deal to me
o I take responsibility for my own actions and don’t tend to blame others
o I am able to stand up for myself
o I can handle challenges and setbacks
o I am comfortable with imperfection
o I am proud of my strengths
o I accept my weaknesses
o I don’t feel the need to prove my worth
o I know that I am capable
o I am able to self-soothe and handle stress
o I feel worthy of receiving good energy
The Three Types of Communication
If you are learning that your own self-esteem could use some boosting, maybe now is the time to evaluate your most common communication style. There are three ways of communicating our thoughts, feelings, and needs: passively, aggressively, and assertively. Sometimes we go back and forth between styles and sometimes we combine them.
Passive Communication
This communication style is extremely characteristic of low self-esteem. Passive interaction happens when we avoid speaking up and instead let others decide the outcome of our problems. This submissive nature is common for individuals that experience anxiety, have partners with more aggressive communication patterns, or have a history of being negatively judged by others. While passive tendencies can feel temporarily safe and make a ton of sense, they also allow you to disrespect yourself and reinforce unhealthy self-esteem.
Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication happens when we let our frustration or resentment simmer and build until we eventually blow-up on others. It destroys our own self-esteem, and if it becomes a pattern, it can also destroy others’ self-esteem over time. Maybe you are frustrated with someone’s previous mistakes, but instead of effectively communicating what you need, you remind them of their shortcomings in the past. Aggressive communication often involves disrespect. It is mean and pushy and does not allow other people to have opinions and make their own choices.
Assertive Communication
This is the goal. When we choose to be assertive with our language, we effectively speak up for ourselves in a calm, respectful manner. This is the most considerate type of communication because it allows all opinions to matter, but it also allows you to set important boundaries for yourself. It means you refuse to accept hostile behavior, but will try to find a shared goal, if possible. Everyone has a chance to express their needs, but ultimately, everyone makes their own choices without manipulation or guilt.
For example to distinguish the differences, think about getting cut in line. Maybe it is at the airport and you can only allocate 10 minutes to waiting for your coffee in order to also make it to your gate in time. You have choices in how to address the situation:
Passive response: say nothing and remain stressed, irritated, and anxious about what just happened to you.
Aggressive response: (loud enough for everyone to hear) say, “WOW, seems like this jerk that cut thinks he is more important than all of us.”
Assertive response: politely interrupt the person that cut and say, “sorry to interrupt, but the line starts back there.”
Keep in mind that we are all a product of our experiences and learn from the communication styles that are modeled for us. Aggressive communication is usually not intended to be malicious, but it happens when someone hits their threshold of suppressing their opinions and needs for too long. Passive communication is not intended to be weak and confusing; it is often learned from previous relationships. It is a safety behavior used to protect against feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Assertive communication is imperative for success in relationships because it improves self-esteem, it breaks the cycle of toxicity, and it allows everyone in the room to be heard.
SERVICES STEFF OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING
Steff offers a variety of mental health services for kids, teens, and adults at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. Her mental health services include: child counseling, play therapy, adult therapy, depression treatment, anxiety treatment, therapy for stress and burnout, sex therapy, trauma treatment and EMDR, couples counseling, premarital counseling and counseling for life transitions. She also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office.