What Masks are You Wearing? Understanding Authenticity
Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC- Associate
Oh Halloween, a time normally characterized by people of all ages dressing up as princesses, superheroes, or sexy nurses. In 2020, your plans for Halloween may be different. Maybe you are having a zoom party, or having a small gathering with friends, or maybe you have found a way to keep your traditions alive in your own, unique way. Whether or not you are dressing up in a costume this year for Halloween, I want to ask you this question:
“What masks are you wearing in your life?”
From the time that we are barely able to hold our heads up on our own, we are being told how to act and who to be. Almost all of us receive this input from our parents, many of us receive input from our friends and extended families, and all of us receive input from our cultural experience, whether that may be local, national, spiritual, global, etc. Some of this input can be highly beneficial, like “Don’t kill people!” or “Let’s use the potty instead of our pants.” Influence from others can be great for helping us learn from those that have come before us and can help us continue to move forward as a human race. Influence from others can also do exactly the opposite, hindering us from being our true authentic selves.
Growing Up
Parents have the absolute hardest job on the planet. There are hundreds (if not thousands) of parenting guides out there that all seem to contradict each other. Why is that? Well because every child needs to be raised differently because we are all unique individuals. Trying to use a “one-size fits all” model for parenting leaves young people feeling like they need to be a certain type of person to be accepted among their peers and family. The American school system also teaches our young people that they have to fit a precise mold in order to be successful adults, and if they do not learn in the precise way that the school uses, then they are just considered to be unintelligent or incapable. The following quote from Albert Einstein applies perfectly here:
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree,
it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
- Albert Einstein
In this example, if you are a sloth that fits the system, then you are going to feel great about yourself. Even if you are no match for a speedy monkey, you sure are better than any fish. Yet, the most skilled Great White Shark will think they are absolutely incapable and will dream of just being like that sloth. But what happens to a shark that tries to walk on land and climb a tree? It suffocates and perishes. Just like the shark, when we try to be someone that we are not meant to be, we lose ourselves in the process and mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and substance abuse creep in and destroy our lives.
Do I Have a Mask?
You may be reading this and feel that you didn’t have the experience growing up that I am talking about. Maybe you feel like you don’t have any mask at all and that you have been able to live authentically as yourself your whole life. If that is really true, then you are one of the luckiest people alive and are probably 1 in a billion. For the rest of us, sometimes it can be difficult to see where we are hiding and being inauthentic in our daily lives. But let’s ask some questions to see if anything comes up…
· Have you ever tried to be friends with someone just because they are popular, wealthy, or attractive?
· When you buy things for yourself or go on vacations, do you do so for your personal enjoyment of because you want people to think about you in a certain way?
· Did you choose your career because you were told that being a doctor, lawyer, or business executive were the only reputable careers?
· Do you feel empty or like you are just spinning your wheels in life?
· Do you have boundaries that are so non-existent that people often hurt and take advantage of you?
· Do you have boundaries that are so rigid that nobody knows the real you?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you probably have some sort of a mask that you have learned to use in your life to either protect yourself or to feel accepted.
Ok So I Have a Mask…Now What?
Go to therapy. (Of course, a therapist would say that, right?)
No, but really, go to therapy. When we recognize that we are living inauthentically, the most important thing to do is to find ways to slowly pivot our lives in a more authentic direction. Ripping off the band-aid too quickly could be harmful in some situations if you aren’t ready. It can be really helpful to have a professional guide who can help you explore who you really are underneath all of the masks that the world has made for you. Getting to know yourself can be a scary and exhausting process. But it can also be the most freeing experience you will ever have. When we wear masks, they are often held on by shame. Shame is a very strong force that deteriorates our sense of self. When we try to start unmasking, we may be confronted with overwhelming amounts of shame that may make it exceedingly difficult to keep the mask off. Going through this process alone, without someone who is completely nonjudgmental walking alongside you as your partner can be very difficult and for some, impossible.
Once you are able to take off your masks that you hide behind and get to know the real you, I guarantee your life will look different. You may make some big changes, you may make small changes, but loving your true self and eradicating shame from your life can liberate you from the chains that are keeping you from being your best self and living your absolute best life.
SERVICES TYLER OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING
Ty offers a variety of mental health services for teens, adults, and couples at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. His mental health services include: adult therapy, Tween and Teen Counseling, life transitions, couples therapy, work burnout, LGBTQ Friendly Therapy, depression treatment, and anxiety treatment. He also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office or visit Ty Neely's Bio.