Building Distress Tolerance in Children and Teens: A Key to Emotional Resilience
Written by Morgan Phelps, M.S., LPC, NCC
San Antonio Team Lead
Distress tolerance is the ability to manage and endure difficult emotions without resorting to harmful coping strategies. For children and teens, building distress tolerance is an essential life skill that can help them navigate the ups and downs of growing up. Whether it’s managing school stress, peer pressure, or family conflicts, helping them develop healthy ways to cope with distress can significantly improve their emotional resilience and overall well-being.
Here are several strategies to help children and teens build distress tolerance:
1. Normalize Emotions and Model Healthy Responses
One of the first steps in building distress tolerance is to help children and teens understand that difficult emotions are a normal part of life. Instead of brushing off feelings of anger, sadness, or anxiety, acknowledge them openly. You can model healthy emotional responses by staying calm during stressful situations. For example, if a child is upset over a disagreement, rather than telling them to “calm down,” encourage them to express their feelings using words and demonstrate how to take deep breaths or step away to regain composure. Modeling these behaviors can provide a powerful learning experience.
2. Encourage Mindfulness and Relaxation Techniques
Mindfulness practices—such as deep breathing, grounding techniques, or progressive muscle relaxation—can help children and teens develop a greater sense of control over their emotional reactions. These techniques encourage them to focus on the present moment and regulate their physical response to stress. For younger children, simple activities like “belly breathing” or counting breaths can be effective, while older teens may benefit from guided meditation or yoga. By making mindfulness a regular part of their routine, children and teens can better tolerate distressing emotions without feeling overwhelmed by them.
3. Create a Safe Emotional Environment
Children and teens need to feel safe in their environment to develop distress tolerance. If they’re consistently met with harsh criticism or are expected to “suck it up” without validation, they may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms like avoidance or emotional numbing. Instead, foster an environment where emotions are respected, and they are encouraged to talk about their struggles. When they express vulnerability, it’s important to respond with empathy and understanding, letting them know that it’s okay to feel upset, frustrated, or scared. This kind of emotional support can give children the confidence to face distressing emotions rather than avoid them.
4. Build Problem-Solving Skills
Sometimes, distress arises from feeling stuck or overwhelmed by a situation. Teaching children and teens problem-solving skills can help them feel more capable of managing challenges. Break down problems into smaller, more manageable steps, and encourage young people to brainstorm solutions, even if they don’t have the perfect answer. For example, if a teen is stressed about an upcoming exam, help them create a study plan or break down their homework into smaller chunks. Teaching problem-solving empowers them to take action rather than become paralyzed by fear or frustration.
5. Encourage Healthy Distractions
When faced with distress, it’s helpful to engage in activities that serve as positive distractions. Encouraging healthy hobbies—whether it’s art, sports, reading, or music—can provide an outlet for pent-up emotions. Physical activities like exercise are particularly effective in reducing stress and improving mood. While distractions shouldn’t be used to avoid emotions entirely, they offer a valuable break when emotions feel overwhelming and can help children and teens reset before returning to the problem at hand.
6. Become More Comfortable with Frustration
I often see parents jumping in to save their children from challenge and frustration. Makes sense…as parents we want to protect our children. Reframing their challenges as opportunities for them to learn to tolerate stress and utilize coping may help parents feel more confident to let their children handle it. Now this, doesn’t mean to watch your child suffer. Use the skills above like modeling healthy stress responses and give them the chance to use their skills. Let them try out a few things and then jump in to help guide them.
Conclusion
Building distress tolerance is a critical life skill that can help children and teens navigate emotional challenges in a healthy way. While they may not always use the skills they are taught, it is all about planting the seeds, so that one day when they are ready they can pick up the skill and use it. As they develop these skills, children and teens will be better prepared to handle whatever life throws their way.
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