Initiating a Conversation About Sex 101
By: Andrea Monteverdi, M.S. LPC, NCC, CST
Certified Sex Therapist
Initiating a Conversation About Sex 101
So how does one begin to broach the subject of sex with a new partner or in a long-standing relationship? Sex is one of the most intimate and sometimes vulnerable domains we enter into, so it’s natural that we may feel a sense of shyness or hesitation when wanting to initiate a conversation about our sexual desires. Here are a few tips to help you get started with a sex talk:
1. Timing and Setting Matter
Let's first look at some common timing errors. Imagine you’ve just finished having sex with your partner and then mere moments later they bombard you with comments about what an unsatisfactory experience it was. Your ego may end up bruised and the opportunity for continued connection, nuzzled in bed together, is likely gone. Another scenario to avoid, is initiating the conversation in the midst of an argument - when emotions are running high we are less likely to express ourselves in a caring way which frequently leads to the true message we were trying to convey being lost.
Now, let's highlight some functional times and settings to begin communicating your desires! Picking a neutral zone will keep you from tarnishing the sexy aura of the bedroom. Perhaps during a car ride with your partner, while on a walk, or in a shared space like the living room. In regards to when, choose a time that you are both feeling at ease and comfortable. Being clear minded and in good spirits will help to ensure that your message is being received in the way you are intending to convey it.
2. Avoid Definitive Language like “Never” and “Always”
When trying to communicate desires to your partner, try to think of how you would feel if they were saying those words to you. If your partner says you NEVER hug them anymore, you will probably shrug off their comment as being untrue because you can recall a time earlier this week when you did in fact hug. The underlying message they’re trying to tell you is that being embraced in your arms is something they would like more of. Avoiding words like “never” and “always” will help your partner really hear what you’re trying to say to them.
3. Positive Framing Goes a Long Way
This is a key piece in our communication breakdown! Framing your sentence structure to be positive, as opposed to negative, will help your partner’s ears perk up to listen instead of shutting down as a way of protecting themselves. Instead of saying “you don’t kiss my neck anymore” try saying “I really like it when you kiss my neck.” Focusing on your likes instead of your dislikes will help you get more of what you’re desiring!
Another tool to consider using is recalling a past sexual encounter with your partner that brought you genuine pleasure. Emphasize the parts of the experience that were enjoyable and explain why it had such a lasting effect on you. If you’re hoping to explore your partner's fantasies, it may be helpful to share one of your own first. Additionally, remember that a fantasy can remain a fantasy - it doesn’t have to play out in reality, and that in itself can be an erotic for you both. Sharing sexual desires and pleasures with one another is vulnerable, but essential!
4. Fun, Not Forced
Remember, talking about sex can feel uncomfortable when it isn’t part of the usual dialogue. Try to be gentle, clear, and open. Like any other skill, the more you practice it, the easier it becomes! I encourage you to view this as an exciting opportunity for you and your partner to explore new facets of your sexual relationship. Take time to get curious and learn about yourself and your partner. Consent, communication, and connection are sexy!
Most of us were never taught the ins and outs of talking about sex in a mindful, productive way, but it’s never too late to learn! Additionally, sex therapists are a great resource to help facilitate conversations, introduce new ideas, and increase satisfaction.