Working Through Indecision
By: Helena Lorenz, LMSW
For myself and others who struggle with anxiety, making any sort of decision, big or small, can be a bit of a mine field. When faced with the power to choose, our brains get flooded with seemingly insurmountable questions -- How do I plan for all the possible outcomes? How do I address every possible variable? Will everyone else be happy with my decision? Will I be happy with my decision? What if something horrible happens and it’s all my fault because I’m the one who made the decision? It’s truly fun times over here in anxiety land.
These question loops get especially rough when we are confronting a big potential life change – Should I stay in this relationship? Should I take this new job? Should I make this move to another city? The sheer weight of those big choices can be crushing, and it can feel hard to know where to even begin in navigating these existential forks in the road. One helpful strategy to start your decision-making journey can be to ground yourself in a handful of key life values. I’ll walk you through it.
In essence, the crux of whether we are going to feel satisfied with a decision often rests on whether that decision feels in line with our values. We can choose to rest easy with the outcome of a decision, even if everything ends up going belly up, if it feels like our process for coming to that decision reflected our priorities and our principles. E.g., I can live with the fact that I chose to stay home instead of going out with friends on a given night because it felt in line with my values of self-care and peacefulness. I can feel good about leaving a relationship that wasn’t serving me because it means that I am living out my values of independence and self-respect. It seems simple enough when we spell it out like that. But sometimes we forget to take the time to clarify and really name what our important values are, and unfortunately anxiety tends to thrive wherever there is a lack of clarity.
So, if there is a big decision coming up and you don’t know where to look for the answer, start by perusing the following list of possible values. (This is by no means a completely exhaustive list of every principle you could ever hold, but I do think it has reasonable breadth and nuance.)
Authenticity
Achievement
Adventure
Authority
Autonomy
Balance
Compassion
Challenge
Citizenship
Cleverness
Community
Competency
Contribution
Creativity
Curiosity
Determination
Efficiency
Fairness
Faith
Friendship
Fun
Growth
Grit
Happiness
Harmony
Honesty
Humor
Independence
Intelligence
Intimacy
Joy
Justice
Kindness
Knowledge
Leadership
Love
Loyalty
Openness
Optimism
Peace
Pleasure
Recognition
Respect
Responsibility
Security
Self-Respect
Service
Spirituality
Stability
Success
Status
Transparency
Trustworthiness
Vulnerability
Wealth
Wisdom
Now, pick out 3-5 key values that feel the most relevant to this decision. Is this decision a reflection of a period of growth for you? Maybe we will need to ground ourselves in challenge, adventure, or openness. Perhaps this decision reflects a period of slowing down and smoothing out some turbulence. Maybe then we will need to ground ourselves in harmony, stability, or security.
Whatever cluster of values feels in alignment with you, write them down where you can easily reference them and come back to them whenever you start to feel a little overwhelmed or lost. They will act as touchstones to guide you in the right direction. While living out our values doesn’t mean that everything is going to go perfectly or that all details will be flawlessly accounted for, it does mean that we can take comfort in the thoughtfulness of our process and take control of what’s most important to us.