Sexual Intimacy after an Affair
If you’ve experienced an affair, you can probably relate to the information in this blog. Plain and simple, sexual intimacy can be impacted in lots of different ways when you or your partner have been unfaithful. But, there are two main ways intimacy changes after an affair: sex becomes extremely passionate, or sex becomes non-existent. I this blog, I will talk about these two ways your intimate relationship changes and what you can do about it.
After an affair, sex may seem “better”
Some couples report that sex after an affair seems “ better.” This may mean it occurs more often than it has ever before and is more passionate. This reaction to an affair is fueled by the need to be more sexually intimate so your partner won’t feel the “need” to cheat again.
One couple, Linda and Doug, hit the nail on the head when they describe this type of sex after infidelity: “The problem in this scenario is that typically the sex is motivated by this intense pain, and usually the betrayed spouse is trying to prove their sense of masculinity or their sense of femininity. They’re comparing themselves to the other person. They’re wondering if they’re sexy or desirable.” You can read their story here.
During affair recovery, sex may be non-existent
After infidelity is uncovered, some couples cease to have sex all together. Often times partners are grossed out, too hurt, and/or disappointed to imagine being sexually intimate with a partner who has cheated. This is understandable because boundaries have been crossed and until some form of healing has occurred, a partner will likely not feel comfortable being sexually intimate.
Janis Spring, a prolific writer on infidelity, notes that “often, a couple feels like the other person is sitting in between them, like a ghost, and that conception strains sex.” Another reason for the non-existence of sex after infidelity is that many partners believe that having sex again is the ultimate act of forgiveness. And, it might be for you! But, I would also like to normalize the idea that you can have sex with your partner and still not forgive them! Having sex with your partner does not have to mean that the process is over, and all is “right” again in the relationship.
Feeling Triggered by Your Partner’s Infidelity?
Many betrayed individuals discuss feeling triggered when they think of their partner’s infidelity. They often describe having the image of their partner’s past betrayal pop up in their head during sex. It is important that sex is comfortable and pleasurable for both partners. Dr. John Gottman discusses how couples can overcome this difficulty through a series of intimate conversations about sex. These conversations can include an array of topics of feelings, attitudes, and preferences regarding sex and physical intimacy. Dr. John Gottman’s research notes that enjoyable and pleasurable sex involves open conversation about sex with openness regarding desires. There are many card decks that include topics and conversation starters, such as the Intimacy Book of Love Language Card Deck.
Some sample conversation starters can include:
Where do you like to be touched the most?
Would you be interested in using sex toys?
Describe a sexual fantasy?
Do you have a favorite sexual position?
It is important to note that the Gottman Method Couples Therapy has sexual intimacy interventions in the third phase of affair recovery. So don’t be frustrated if things do not improve immediately. The Gottman method focuses on building trust (Atonement) and building a stronger, newer relationship (Attunement) as the first two stages. The last phase in affair recovery work is Attachment where physical and emotional intimacy is addressed.
There is no right or wrong way to go about sex after an affair
If you and your partner have experienced infidelity, but sex was not affected in these ways that is absolutely okay, too! One of the most important things to remember is that there is no “right” way to respond sexually after infidelity, these are simply common experiences. Honor the emotions that you and your partner are feeling, and try to communicate those emotions non-defensively to one another (assuming the two of you have chosen to work on your relationship).
One important thing to understand is that neither of these sexual states lasts forever. Just as Janis Spring states, “It takes time to rebuild physical intimacy after one partner has slept with another person.” Let’s work together in counseling to get the two of you in a better place sexually and emotionally. This can help you experience the “best” sex of your lives, together!
Begin Sex Therapy and Affair Recovery Counseling in Houston, TX:
If you and your partner are struggling to rebuild your intimate relationship after the betrayal of an affair, a sex therapist can support you in your endeavors. To begin counseling in Houston, TX or online therapy in Texas, follow these steps:
Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation.
Meet with one of our couples therapists
Begin affair recovery therapy to heal from the past recover from an affair
Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., LPC, NCC, CST
Katie Mitchell is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Sex Therapist at Heights Family Counseling. She believes in using a solution-focused therapeutic approach to therapy, in order to empower clients to discover more effective solutions to their problems. Katie aims to foster a non-judgmental, accepting environment that helps clients to feel comfortable sharing their deepest thoughts and self-reflections. Katie enjoys working with a variety of clientele, such as individuals, couples, and families. She also enjoys working with both individual and relational sexual concerns. She understands that an active sex life is incredibly important for most individuals, especially those in a relationship. Learn more about Katie by visiting, https://heightsfamilycounseling.com/team/katie-mitchell, or learn more about our services at, https://heightsfamilycounseling.com/sextherapy-services