Out with the Family: Surviving the Holidays Being LGBTQ+

Written by Ty Neely, M.S.
Lead Creative Director

The holiday season can be a joyous season full of love and warmth, but it can also be a time of great sadness, isolation, pain, and conflict. Not only do many members of the LGBTQ+ community have various forms of religious trauma due to shame, exclusion, and harassment that can manifest around the holiday season, but we also may have to encounter either close or distant family members who may not be affirming, or even hostile towards our gender or sexual identities. Navigating these situations can be extremely stressful, traumatizing, and potentially hostile. Let’s explore some ways to make the most out of some of these potentially unsafe situations.

Coming Out to the Family

So, you have known for some time between one day and 60+ years that you don’t quite fit the mold for sexuality and/or gender that is plastered all over Hallmark movies, Target Christmas ads, or modeled in religious services, and you’re at a place where you either can’t hold in the secret anymore or just want to be authentic with your family and loved ones. This is often a scary and intimidating experience, but it is a necessary step in moving towards self-acceptance and rejecting shame from your life. The holidays can be a highly efficient time when coming out, as many family members can be in one place, and you don’t have to worry about having an awkward phone call with all of the out-of-town aunts and uncles. Many people choose to come out during the holiday season for exactly this reason. However, this can also be a risky setting to come out if you don’t have any support and have distant relatives that you don’t know well.

If you are thinking about coming out to your family, consider the following thoughts:

Have a Plan

Do things always go according to plan? Definitely not. Will coming out? Almost definitely not. However, having some sort of plan in place can help you know what you want to say and what you may want to avoid. The anxiety of the situation sometimes leads people to ramble and say more than is necessary and overwhelm others. You may be shattering people’s entire worldviews here, so sometimes less is more. You don’t have to tell them everything at once, feel free to start with the basics and ease into the details over time.

Can you have a supporter with you who has your back?

Having a parent, uncle, sibling, or even good friend with you when you come out to a large group of people can help have your back if the questions become too overwhelming, or to defend you if someone has a negative reaction. Sometimes family members who are unfamiliar with the LGBTQ+ community may have the best intentions but may overwhelm you with questions, fears, and suggestions for how to protect yourself or live your life. Having a support person who is prepared can help you navigate these situations more seamlessly. Not everyone has the luxury of a support person, so maybe consider having a friend or member of your chosen family on standby ready to accept a call if things do go poorly.

Have an Escape Route, If Possible

Of course, we hope and plan that it does not have to come to this, but sometimes it may be necessary to get out of the setting if things aren’t taken well or if you get overwhelmed. If you have a support person, talk with them ahead of time and have them know to get you out of there if things go downhill. If it is just you, consider having your vehicle accessible (if you have one), having your phone charged and Uber at the ready, or a nearby friend at the ready to pick you up if needed.

Avoid the Eggnog

You may think that getting a little liquid courage from alcohol or other substances may help ease the nerves and improve the coming out conversation. Alcohol can absolutely reduce nerves, to a point, but it can also get in the way of our self-control and ability to respond effectively and in a controlled manner.

Try to Stay Calm

People will feed off of your energy. If you freak out and make your queerness seem like life-shattering and horrible news, they are more likely to interpret it as such. If you keep your cool (as much as possible) and focus on de-escalation rather than escalation, the conversation has a much greater chance of success.

This is just the beginning of the conversation, not the end.

Remember that if things don’t go well originally, that does not mean that subsequent conversations can’t improve or that relationships won’t get better. Many family members get caught off guard by this news and don’t know how to handle it, but after some time to process the news, they can reconvene and have a much more productive and healthy conversation.

“I’ve Been Out for a While, Nothing Has Improved…”

Even if you have been out for a while and much of your family has become a support, you still may have some people who still can’t accept who you are. How do you handle this? Great question…it depends. You will want to tailor your response to the person and the way they react to you.

Set and Enforce Boundaries

Have clear boundaries for yourself of what you will accept and tolerate from others. Just because someone is in your family does not mean you have to have a relationship with them. If someone is breaking your boundaries, create space, tell them you are not willing to interact with them as long as they treat you this way, and seek support from supportive family members if possible. If people continue to cross your boundaries after you communicate them, consider removing yourself from the situation.

Defend Yourself

You do not deserve to endure abuse. Violence almost never helps any situation, so when I say defend yourself, I am not talking about putting up your dukes. Instead, respond with calm and non-harsh words to enforce your boundaries and defend the beautiful person you are. Defending yourself may feel scary, but letting these people keep harassing you without any repercussion is not valuing your own self-worth.

Consider Removing People

Of course, this is the last thing we want to have to with people in our families, yet if people just cannot accept you, respect your boundaries, and keep attacking you, it may be time to cut them out of your life until they make a change on their end. Many members of the LGBTQ+ family create chosen families of individuals that may not be part of their biological or legal families that become their new families. Chosen families can bring lots of joy, support, and belonging to members of our community.

“I Have an LGBTQ+ Family Member or Friend, What Can I Do?”

If you have a child, sibling, or parent that you know wants to come out or that comes out during the holiday season, or who already has but sometimes is greeted with hostility from other family members, you can provide life-changing support to them during this time. Sincere love and support from others during the holiday season could be just what an LGBTQ+ person needs to save their life this season.

Plan Ahead

Be sure to consult with them ahead of time and see if they are anxious about any specific family members. Communicate with them about how they would best like you to support them regarding that family member or if they are planning to come out. Make sure to not take things in to your own hands without checking with them first. Remember, this is their life and their story, don’t hijack their story and make it yours.

Check-In

Don’t forget to check-in with them regularly to see how they are doing. Maybe they are noticing microaggressions that you don’t. See throughout the time with family if they need an escape. Maybe you can pretend you forgot some ingredient and can take them with you to the store to provide them a chance to breathe.

Stand Up

If someone is attacking your LGBTQ+ loved one, please stand up for them and say something. Do not tolerate passive-aggressive or flat-out aggressive language or behavior, even if it isn’t stated to the person’s face. Communicate your support clearly and make it known that you are an ally. If they feel unsafe and need to leave, leave with them. This communicates to the family that you do not accept their behavior and can potentially help them recognize the consequences of their actions.

Ask

Above all, just ask! If you are wanting to be a support for an LGBTQ+ loved one, just ask what they may want or need from an ally. Maybe they feel confident that they can handle things on their own and don’t really want you to intervene. Maybe they want you to hold their hand the entire dinner.

So…Is It Always Bad?

No! If you are reading this and are still feeling like there is no chance for the holidays to go well for you with your family, remember that this is just for some families. Luckily, our culture is changing. More and more people are feeling confident to explore their gender and sexual identities, so more of our family members experience members of the LGBTQ+ community on a regular basis than ever before. Queer culture is growing in popularity, and tv shows and movies are featuring more LGBTQ+ characters that are less sensationalized and more realistic, fostering greater understanding and normalization. Maybe a little holiday magic is just what you need to make things better with your family. Even if things don’t go exactly as you may want, being authentic to yourself and expressing your acceptance of yourself is a necessary part of taking care of your mental health. It may be scary to confront your family and face them as yourself, but if you lean upon your supports, you can do it. Be courageous!

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.”

            -Mark Twain       

Receive support through LGBTQ+ Friendly Counseling in Houston or San Antonio, TX. Contact us today.