Valentine’s Day Exercise: Sexual Fantasies

Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., LPC, CST

Certified Sex Therapist

Are you thinking or wishing that you and you partner could use some flair or change-up to your romantic rituals?  When is the last time the two of you discussed sexual fantasies?  Maybe it’s time to dust off your sexual fantasies and share them with one another.  In case you and your partner struggle like many others do, below you will find some helpful tips on how to communicate sexual fantasies to one another.

A basic outline for creating and discussing sexual fantasies. 

1.     Reflect on your on sexual turn-ons.  You might even reference previous sexual questionnaires, if the two of you have ever completed one of those.  You are also welcome to take motivation from previous dreams, thoughts, etc.

2.     Decide on who you want to be included in this sexual fantasy.  This can be your partner(s) and/or other people. 

3.     Decide on where (location) you would like this fantasy to take place.  Imagine as much detail as you possibly can.  What is the paint color or décor on the walls?  What types of trees do you see, if you are imagining an outdoor space?  This is what helps to really dig into a sexual fantasy – and, it is also what helps your partner to have a better understanding of your sexual fantasy.  

4.     Decide on what you would like to happen in your sexual fantasy.  What are you doing in this fantasy?  What are others doing in this fantasy?  Again, utilize a much detail as possible when describing what happens in this fantasy! 

5.     The final portion to complete your sexual fantasy is to add other details that will help to make it that much more descriptive.  Think of the 5 sense when putting your fantasy scape together! What would you see, hear, smell, taste, and/or touch? 

6.     Put these fantasies into action (hello costumes or make-believe play)!  Or, use the time discussing them as an aid to building erotic energy for a sexual experience!

Desire/Fantasy Questions: Here are bonus questions to help talk about fantasies in other ways, pulled from Let’s Talk About It… Sexual Fantasy and Desire Edition.

-        Besides the bedroom, where else in your home would you like to have sex?

-        Describe one fantasy you’ve never shared with anyone else?

-        What do you think about role playing or dressing up?  Describe a role-playing scenario that would turn you on.

-        Do you like using toys in the bedroom?  What are your favorites?  Are there any you don’t have that you’d like to try?

-        Describe from start to finish your idea of an erotic date.

-        Name two foods you consider sexy or that you would like to use during sex.

-        Is there a sexual position you’ve always wanted to try, but never have?

-        Do you like to talk dirty or hear your lover talk dirty?  If so, what kinds of things do you like to say or hear?

-        What is the sexiest dream you’ve ever had?

-        What do you like to do after sex?

-        Are you loud or quiet in bed? Do you like to hear your partner’s enjoyment?

-        How do you like to flirt, and how do you like other to flirt with you?

-        How do you like your partner to initiate sex?  What’s your favorite way of initiating?

-        Can jealousy ever feel erotic?  Try and describe why you think it can or can’t be.

-        What helps you relax so that you can be fully present during sex?

-        Do you prefer your sexual experiences to be gentle or rough?

If you’re in an alternative relationship and think alternative relationship counseling could be a good fit for you, contact us to learn more.