The Four Horsemen in Communication Explained
WRITTEN BY STEFF BRAND, M.S.
NATIONALLY CERTIFIED COUNSELOR
LPC-INTERN
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is a metaphor describing the end of times in the New Testament. Relationship experts, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, use this metaphor to describe communication styles that often predict the end of a relationship. Through four decades of research, working with more than 3,000 couples, the Gottmans have also created a series of antidotes to battle the four horsemen.
We know that all couples encounter stress and conflict, but research shows that the success of a marriage is less about the appearance and severity of relational concerns and more about the management of the concerns. Some problems will remain unsolvable due to personality differences, but the marriage can still thrive with acceptance and healthy communication. If you work with me, you will often hear me say, “be curious about your partner.” When we remain open-minded to our partner’s perspective, conflict can actually be a tool for growth and understanding.
1. Criticism
The first horseman in communication is criticism. Think about how often we are exposed to criticism today. Our bosses criticize us when our work is not up to par. Our parents criticize us when making decisions that do not align with their expectations. We even criticize ourselves when exposed to all the “right ways of doing things” on social media. It makes total sense that this criticism rolls naturally into our relationships.
It is important to speak up and let your partner know how you are feeling, so complaints are very much accepted. Communication becomes unhealthy and damaging when you are verbally attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than letting them know how you feel. This is why incorporating a gentle start-up that focuses on your needs and emotions is the antidote to criticism. Try to start the sentence with “I feel,” and avoid starting with “you.”
Criticism: “You never think about spending time with me. You are always working and care more about your boss and co-workers than me.”
Gentle Start Up: “I feel unsupported and lonely since you have been spending extra hours at work. I miss our date nights. Can we plan one this weekend?”
2. Contempt
The second horseman is contempt. I like to think of this one as criticism times ten. We are still attacking our partner, but this time, we are really degrading our partner’s worth. We attack their sense of self with the intent to abuse. Contempt is brewed over time with a long series of negative thoughts that are not resolved in the moment. I have seen this one happen as an attempt to feel heard. One partner is trying to share an important message, but it is lost in translation because the receiver is emotionally abused.
Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce and needs to be avoided to ensure success of a relationship. The antidote is building a culture of appreciation. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and find gratitude for all the things they ARE doing right. Think about why you fell in love with this person. Consider the strengths that remain in your relationship despite all the changes.
Contempt: “Did you really just leave your dish in the sink after I cleaned the kitchen? Could you be any lazier? You can’t do anything right these days. It’s pathetic.”
Build Culture of Appreciation: “I know you have been working extra hours lately and I bet you are exhausted. I love how you are always focused on providing for our family. It would be helpful if you can help me get those dishes out of the way so we can relax together tonight.”
3. Defensiveness
The third horseman is defensiveness. When we interpret a message as criticism, our nervous system fights to protect our emotional safety. This is why we often become defensive when our partner tells us we are doing something wrong. We don’t want to face the negative emotions that come with acceptance of hurting our partner or not doing enough at home. So instead, we deny the blame. Sometimes we victimize ourselves and provide an excuse for the behavior. Other times, we find it easier to reverse the blame and remind our partners of their shortcomings.
The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility. I like to remind clients that taking responsibility doesn’t mean being completely submissive and accepting all blame. It just means that you accept your partner’s perspective and offer an apology if needed. In session, I use the words, “try to make sense of your partner’s world.” I joke that clients get bonus points if they can even make a connection between their partner’s current emotions and a similar emotion they have experienced in the past. If you are able to validate your partner’s perspective and take responsibility for at least one small thing, your thoughts and feelings are much more likely to be heard. Everyone wins.
Defensiveness: “I can’t take you out for dinner tonight. I have too much to get done for work. You could have reminded me about our plans earlier or tried to help with the chores, so I could have gotten my other work done earlier.”
Taking Responsibility: “I recognize that you gave me a week’s notice about our date night and felt hurt when I bailed. I procrastinated on this important project for work and I didn’t make you a priority this time.”
4. Stonewalling
The last of these horsemen is stonewalling. This happens when someone becomes conflict-avoidant and withdraws completely from the conversation. They emotionally shut down and stop responding which often creates an immediate need for distance and separation. Stonewalling occurs the most in response to contempt. Their partner took the fight too far and the only weapon left in their arsenal is a big, “just leave me alone” wall. Sometimes when we stonewall, we become physiologically flooded and are incapable of rationally processing emotions.
This is why physiological self-soothing is the antidote to stonewalling. It is important to take a break and do something that is calming and distracting from the emotional wounds. Try deep belly breathing, watching a funny tv show, or taking a hot shower. The advice I give clients is to also set a time to come back and address the words that led to stonewalling, rather than just walking away. This is a scary situation for the person that stonewalled. They need to be brave and vulnerable with someone that hurt them. When re-visiting the topic, the worst thing their partner can do is reject their emotions. The best thing they can do is accept responsibility for the abuse and communicate their own feelings in a gentle way.
Stonewalling: “I am done talking about this.”
Physiological Self-Soothing: “I am feeling really hurt right now and need to take some time to myself. Can we talk again over dinner tonight?”
Communicating is hard work, y’all. So are relationships. Be kind, be curious, and remember that exercise leads to strength. If you think couples therapy may be right for you, contact us today for a free consultation.