Physical Intimacy After Having A Baby

Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A., NCC, LPC, CST

If you and your partner have recently welcomed home a new bundle of joy, first congrats!  Second, I sincerely hope the two of you are adjusting to being new parents or parents again (and I’m also sending thoughts of rest and good sleep).  Physical intimacy might be one of the furthest things from either of your minds right now – I’m looking at you, you sleep-deprived parents or new mommas who are breastfeeding – but, there will come a time when you and your partner are ready to explore physical intimacy again. 

I love utilizing resources from the Gottman Institute when talking about sex with new parents.  One super helpful resource they offer is the What is the State of Your Sex Life quiz which can be found and taken here.  The Gottman’s also offer great tools and secrets for new parents in their book, And Baby Makes Three, including the secrets of couples whose sex life is going well post baby.  Here’s my take on each of their secrets and how they can aid new parents adjust their physical intimacy. 

-       Accept the things that have changed since the baby. This might include, but is not limited to: body shapes and sizes; sexual arousal experiences (compared to before baby); hormone changes; pain experiences with previously loved positions; what seems like a lack of time for romance; and the lack of time/energy to take care of yourselves.  Accept that things have changed, but remember life will not always look like it does right now.  Try to encourage, be gentle, and validate yourself and your partner.  Voice insecurities to one another that have arisen since the arrival of the baby.  Again, try utilizing words of affirmation with one another.  It can also be helpful to focus on the things that your body has been able to do (such as carry/birth a child and/or supporting/caring for a newborn)!

-       Ask each other for sex. I cannot express how important this piece of advice is! You cannot read each other’s minds and this is especially the case when you add sleep deprivation in the mix.  Be conscientious in how you initiate and ask for sex.

-       Talk about what feels good sexually, and how to make it better.  Incorporate a post-sex review.  Discuss what felt pleasurable, what you would like to do more of, or what you would like to try out the next time.

-       Continue nonsexual affection, especially touch. This is especially fitting if either of your love languages is physical touch.  Be gentle when seeking out nonsexual touch and/or be conscientious in asking this from your partner, example: “Can I have a hug?”  Be sure to separate nonsexual affection with sexual affection.  Do not rely on nonverbals alone to initiate sex with your partner – this can, unfortunately, bind the two experiences and often keeps couples from initiating either, in fear that both will lead to sex.

-       Realize that in a lot of cases, the two of you operate differently when it comes to sex. You are two different people, with two different bodies, with two different sex drives and arousal experiences.  It makes sense that you will operate differently – accept this experience, explore this experience verbally, and account for how this might affect your shared sexual experience.

-       Accept that quickies are as important as gourmet sex.  There is not always time for gourmet sex, especially since babies often have an uncanny sense for when parents are trying to spend time physically connecting.  Quickies are definitely not the only type of sex to be had post-baby; however, they are a form of connection to keep in clutch when time simply does not permit for gourmet sex.  Be sure to also discuss/learn what is the most effective way for you both to have and enjoy a quickie.  This ensures that pleasure can be shared between you both, versus quickies becoming a resentful experience because only one partner is able to climax.

-       Accept masturbation to orgasm, and continue to have oral sex (if you always liked it). Sometimes there is no energy for penetrative sex, and that is okay.  Remind yourselves that there are different kinds of sex to be enjoyed between you both.  Also, it is common experience to be conscious of smell or taste post baby.  If you think this is you or your partner, there are sensitive soaps and flavored edible lubricants that can be your best friends.

-       Share your sexual fantasies. Allow yourselves to get lost in each other’s sexual imaginations.  Talking about sexual fantasies is not always the easiest things, but tools like this book can help lead these discussions: Let’s Talk About Sexual Fantasies and Desires.

-       Discuss your innermost feelings and don’t avoid conflict. Both of you are likely experiencing the roller coaster of emotions that comes with being new parents.  It is common for tempers to flare.  Remind yourselves in these moments to lean back in to one another and discuss the underlying experiences that are happening.  Remember both of your worlds have been flipped upside down, so talk about how each of your worlds have changed; allow each other into your new worlds.

-       Prioritize gourmet sex and make time for it. Just as accepting that quickies are a part of life, gourmet sex should also be prioritized.  Allow time and space for longer shared sexual experiences.  Put thought and effort into planning gourmet sexual experiences.  Share this effort together or take turns making gourmet sex come into fruition.

If you and your partner are struggling to adjust to life with a new bundle of joy, this is understandable.  Talk with one another and discuss how couples counseling might benefit your relationship.  Couples counseling can help to set out the time for yourselves to connect emotionally and discuss these secrets so that both of you can adjust your post-baby shared sexual experiences.

SERVICES KATIE OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING

Katie offers a variety of mental health services for teens, adults, and couples at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. Her mental health services include: adult therapy, Tween and Teen Counseling, life transitions, couples therapy, work burnout, LGBTQ Friendly Therapy, depression treatment, Alternative Relationships, Sex Therapy, and anxiety treatment. She also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic.

If you’re interested in perinatal or postpartum counseling, please contact our counseling office.