Codependency in Relationships: Strength or Pitfall?

Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC-Associate 

Codependency has become widely regarded as a dirty word when it comes to relationships in our culture. American culture places a heavy emphasis on being wholly independent, independent from family, financially independent, as well as emotionally independent. We hear through all sorts of media that a strong person is one who does not rely on anyone else. There is absolute merit and value in having a strong sense of self-love and acceptance and not depending upon the opinions of others for your sense of identity. However, that does not mean that we should not rely on others! Humans are social creatures. Our brains are designed to connect to others, and when we don’t feel connected, it leads to many emotional and physical issues.

So first, maybe we should discuss the definition of codependence. Simply put, codependence is when two (or more) people rely upon each other. Does that seem vague? Yes, yes it does. This is why there can be healthy and unhealthy codependence.

What Good Can Come from Codependence?

In healthy, long-term relationships, our bodies have positive, physical reactions to our partners. For example, if you are stressed over something and someone who you feel deeply connected to and that you trust walks into the room, research has shown that your heart rate and Cortisol (the stress hormone) levels will decrease. Our brains are hard-wired to self-soothe when we feel the sense of safety that comes from being around someone that you deeply trust. Therefore, we can depend on someone else, whom we have a strong attachment to, to help us self-regulate and be more emotionally healthy as individuals. When the same person depends on you for the same sense of relief and connection, that is codependence.

Humans are not wired to live in isolation. Our biological make up required love and connection to survive. Just as children depend on their parents for love, support, protection, and guidance, adults can depend on their friends and partners for the exact same things. When we have a secure attachment to a partner, we feel free to be our own, individual person, yet know that we can always come back to our partner and feel like part of something bigger and feel fully and completely loved and accepted, unconditionally. Depending upon your partner for this true, deep, acceptance is wonderful and extremely healthy. Just make sure that they are not your only source of love and acceptance.

What are the Risks of Codependence?

When codependency can start to take a downturn is when we lose ourselves in the other person and cannot stand on our own two feet. While in healthy codependence your friend or partner can help soothe you and make you feel better, in unhealthy codependence, you are an absolute wreck and if they hurt you or are not around, you struggle to function normally. In healthy codependence, you do not solely depend on one person. Depend on your partner for certain things, depend on your family and friends for other things, especially yourself for your identity and self-worth. Individuals with an anxious attachment style are at a higher risk for developing unhealthy codependency. Common traits of an anxious attachment style include: constantly needing validation or contact from a friend or partner, quickly assuming that the relationship is failing if the person does not respond to a text or answer a phone call, and being the perpetual pursuer in the relationship. The best relationships are built between individuals that choose to come together and be together, not individuals that feel they cannot survive without the other person.

What happens if this person has a terrible accident? What happens if they decide to leave you or the relationship does not work out? Can you grieve the heartbreak and loss and stand on your own two feet? Or will it crush your sense of self and make you question who you are as a person? None of these situations sound good, do they? While what I am saying may sound obvious for any people who are currently single or happen to be in a healthy relationship. It is far too easy to slip into unhealthy codependence if we do not pay attention to how we are relating to our partners and friends.

Codependency in a Pandemic

From anecdotal experience, I have noticed that many relationships that were functioning in healthy ways prior to the pandemic and lockdown, found themselves forced into unhealthy codependence. In BC (before COVID) life, it was easier to go out and do things without your partner, have your own friends, or even go hang out in a group with your partner but be with other people. BC times made it much easier to focus on your individuality while still being in a codependent relationship. After restaurants, bars, gyms, yoga studios, offices, and classrooms all shut down, we were forced to stay in our homes and/or only connect with our partners. For individuals who only had their partner to be with during this time, the trap of solely depending upon your partner for everything became increasingly difficult to avoid.

How does it hurt?

When we struggle with unhealthy codependence in relationships and make our partner our everything, we are setting a time bomb on our relationship. When you rely on one person for your sense of self-worth, any small slight or frustration challenges your worth and can be overwhelmingly painful. Forgetting to take the trash out or feeling stressed after having Zoom meetings all day and not being friendly can turn to, “Do you even care about me anymore?” or “Why do you hate me so much?” Do you recognize any conflicts like these that seem to hurt more than they should when you think on them later? Maybe you have unhealthy codependence in your relationship.

So How Do I Keep My Codependence Healthy?

Primarily, have frequent and deeply honest communication with your partner. Check in on your individual senses of self-love. Where do you each get your sense of identity and worth from? Is it only your partner? If so, then we need to make some changes. Check-in on whether or not you have been feeling especially irritable towards small grievances lately that have not been issues before. Do you feel that either of you extremely overreacts to minor issues? There are various reasons this could be the case, but you may be struggling with unhealthy codependence.

In addition to stellar communication, focus on yourself. Get to know who you are as an individual. Go to therapy and explore your existential concepts and questions. Connect to a faith and/or spiritual community. Spend time alone exploring something or somewhere new. Try to learn a new skill or explore a new hobby. Get to know yourself and build self-love and acceptance.

Lastly, find outlets for entertainment, connection, and love outside of your partner. If your partner is your everything, you will place too much pressure on to them to be perfect and to be your everything. Nobody can bear that burden on their own. Spread the burden by having friends, connecting to family, and depending on yourself for worth and acceptance.

SERVICES TYLER OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING

Ty offers a variety of mental health services for teens, adults, and couples at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. His mental health services include: adult therapy, Tween and Teen Counseling, life transitions, couples therapy, work burnout, LGBTQ Friendly Therapy, depression treatment, and anxiety treatment. He also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office or visit Ty Neely's Bio.