Common Misconceptions About Premarital Counseling
Written by Elisa Colera, M.Ed., LPC
Congratulations! You’re engaged. Amongst all the wedding planning (as if that wasn’t enough to keep you busy!), you may also be considering going to pre-marital counseling, or perhaps your church requires it. Many couples coming in for premarital counseling don’t know exactly what to expect or have some hesitations about the process. It’s many people’s first experience with counseling or therapy, particularly couple’s therapy, so they may have no frame of reference. I’d like to demystify the process of premarital counseling to help you to decide what’s best for your relationship. Here are some common misconceptions about premarital counseling.
1. Does my relationship have to be in trouble for us to go premarital counseling?
Nope! Your relationship can be healthy and happy and you can still benefit from the resources and skills provided by your therapist. As a client once noted, the house doesn’t need to be actively on fire for you to check the smoke detectors. It’s a great idea to check the smoke detectors before moving in and have a safety plan in place to manage any fires that may flare-up.
2. Is premarital counseling always religious? What if we’re not religious? That’s perfectly okay! Premarital counseling is not necessarily a religious process. The counseling taking place through your church or with your spiritual leader likely is, but when facilitated by a therapist such as with Heights Family Counseling, it won’t be. However, that’s not to say your religious or spiritual beliefs don’t have a place in the counseling room-- you and your partners’ beliefs are absolutely given space and are in fact a common topic in premarital counseling. Many couples have different values to at least some degree, and part of the work of premarital counseling is exploring those differences and how you would like to approach those variations in the structure of your marriage and with possible children.
3. How will we benefit? Many clients wonder how a therapist can understand the unique circumstances, structure, or history of their relationship. Other clients question how they could benefit from premarital counseling if they are already living together and have hashed out the “hard conversations.” These concerns are completely natural and understandable. Each individual and relationship truly is unique and, likely, if you are talking about marriage, you’ve had your share of deep conversations with your partner. Your therapist will have extensive education and experience with a variety of family dynamics and issues. And while there may be overarching themes presented to most couples in premarital counseling, we tailor the therapeutic process to fit your particular needs. Additionally, if your relationship is already healthy and you’ve done a lot of interpersonal work on your own (which is awesome!), we offer resources and skills to apply if your relationship ever does get into some troubled waters, as even the healthiest relationships do.
4. Will we have to talk about our feelings? Well, yes. Everyone has some emotional baggage due to their individual experiences, past relationships, traumas, upbringing, and core beliefs. For this reason, marriage is always a bridging of two cultures. We help you have those conversations to express your needs and emotions in a productive way and encourage a growth mindset in regard to your relationship, knowing that conflict is par for the course.
5. Will I be “teamed-up against”? Couples therapists are trained to not take sides, to remain as objective as possible, and work to see all sides of a situation. What we do instead is to help you communicate your thoughts, emotions, and needs and truly listen to your partner, and vice versa. Additionally, we help you to find compromises on perpetual issues when there’s a fundamental disagreement. We are trained not to impose our personal values on our clients.
6. We’re planning for and saving money for a wedding. Is premarital counseling worth the time and financial commitment? This one I can’t answer for you. If you decide that you would like to pursue premarital counseling but don’t know how you can possibly squeeze it in amongst all your other obligations, I can tell you that you can modify the frequency and number of sessions you are able to commit to counseling to best fit your needs. This is a collaborative process, and we encourage you to communicate any concerns you may have with your therapist. The time and financial investment you make in your relationship will reap benefits for decades after you leave your therapist, even if you are only able to attend a few sessions.
Whether you are currently engaged or thinking about marriage, premarital counseling doesn’t have to be a scary or overwhelming process. Rather, it is an opportunity to strengthen and improve your already happy and healthy relationship. Regardless of how you decide to embark on this new chapter, congrats on the step forward in your relationship.
SERVICES ELISA OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING
Michele offers a variety of mental health services for adults at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. Her mental health services include: adult therapy, depression treatment, anxiety treatment, therapy for stress and burnout, trauma treatment and EMDR, and counseling for life transitions. She also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office or read her bio.