Did You Know? The Relationship Habits That Can Make or Break a Couple
Relationships usually do not fall apart because someone loaded the dishwasher incorrectly.
Although, in the middle of an argument, it can certainly feel that way.
More often, the dishwasher is just the stage.
Underneath it might be:
“You never notice how much I do.”
“I feel like I am doing this alone.”
“I miss you.”
“I don’t feel important to you anymore.”
“I’m exhausted and I need you to see me.”
This is one of the reasons we love Gottman informed couples therapy. Decades of research on couples have helped us understand that relationship health is often built through surprisingly small moments.
How couples respond to each other.
How they argue.
How they repair after an argument.
Whether they notice attempts at connection.
And whether there is enough friendship and affection underneath all of the annoying everyday stuff.
So, in the spirit of making couples research a little more fun, here are a few relationship facts that may make you look at your partner differently tonight.
Did You Know? Happy Couples Are Not Couples Who Never Fight
This one is important.
Healthy couples argue.
They disagree about money.
Parenting.
Sex.
In laws.
Housework.
Schedules.
Whose turn it is to take the dog out.
And yes, probably the dishwasher.
The goal of couples therapy is not to create a relationship where two people pleasantly agree about everything.
That sounds less like marriage and more like a hostage situation.
The difference is often how couples move through conflict.
Can you disagree without destroying the other person?
Can you stay curious?
Can you recognize when the conversation has gone completely off the rails?
Can one of you say, “Okay, that came out wrong,” and have the other person accept the reset?
That brings us to one of our favorite concepts.
Did You Know? Healthy Relationships Have a Magic Ratio?
Gottman research found that during conflict, stable and happy couples tend to have approximately five positive interactions for every one negative interaction.
Five to one.
That does not mean you need to compliment your partner five times every time you roll your eyes.
Please do not start keeping score on a whiteboard.
It means healthy relationships generally have enough positive emotional connection to absorb the inevitable negative moments.
A smile.
A touch.
Humor.
Saying thank you.
Showing interest.
Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Acknowledging their point.
Expressing affection.
These little interactions create emotional padding around conflict.
Think about it this way.
If your relationship already feels warm and connected, your partner forgetting to unload the dishwasher is annoying.
If you have felt ignored, criticized, lonely, and disconnected for six months, that same dishwasher can suddenly represent everything that is wrong with your marriage.
The dishwasher did not change.
The emotional climate did.
Did You Know? Your Partner Is Probably Making Bids for Connection All Day Long?
A “bid” is essentially an attempt to connect.
And they are often incredibly ordinary.
“Look at this video.”
“Did you hear what happened at work?”
“Come look at the dog.”
“Isn't that sunset beautiful?”
“What are you doing?”
“Want to watch something with me?”
Sometimes the bid is even just a sigh.
One partner is essentially tossing out a tiny emotional ball and asking:
Will you catch this?
You can turn toward the bid.
You can turn away from it.
Or you can turn against it.
Imagine your partner says:
“Look at this ridiculous thing the dog is doing.”
Turning toward might sound like:
“Oh my gosh, come here. What is he doing?”
Turning away might be:
Silence while continuing to scroll.
Turning against might be:
“Can you not see that I’m busy?”
Obviously nobody can respond enthusiastically to every single bid. We are human. Sometimes you are answering an email, cooking dinner, or trying desperately to experience three uninterrupted minutes of silence.
But over time, the pattern matters.
Couples who repeatedly turn toward one another tend to build friendship, trust, and emotional connection.
And sometimes couples who say, “We’ve just grown apart,” have actually experienced thousands of tiny missed opportunities to turn toward each other.
Did You Know? The Way an Argument Starts Often Predicts Where It Goes?
Picture this:
“You literally never help around here.”
How excited are you to hear the next sentence?
Probably not very.
When conversations begin with criticism or blame, our nervous systems tend to prepare for battle.
Which usually produces defensiveness.
Then counterattack.
Then suddenly you are fighting about something that happened on vacation in 2019.
A softer beginning changes the entire conversation.
Instead of:
“You never help me.”
Try:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed tonight and I need some help.”
Instead of:
“You care more about your phone than you do about me.”
Try:
“I've been missing you lately. Could we put our phones away and hang out for a little while?”
Same underlying need.
Completely different invitation.
Did You Know? There Are Four Communication Patterns Gottman Called the Four Horsemen?
Yes, this is where couples therapy gets a little apocalyptic.
Gottman identified four particularly destructive conflict behaviors:
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
And once you know them, you start seeing them everywhere.
Criticism
Criticism attacks the person rather than addressing the problem.
“You are so selfish.”
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”
“You are completely irresponsible.”
Compare that with a complaint:
“I was frustrated when the dishes were still in the sink because I thought we had agreed you would do them tonight.”
One addresses a behavior.
The other turns the behavior into a character flaw.
Contempt
Contempt includes sarcasm, mockery, superiority, name calling, sneering, or communicating that you believe you are somehow above your partner.
Think:
“Wow. Father of the year.”
Or:
“Of course you forgot. Why would I expect anything different?”
Contempt is especially damaging because underneath it is the message:
I don't just disagree with you. I don't respect you.
Defensiveness
Defensiveness is incredibly understandable.
When we feel attacked, we want to explain why we are not wrong.
“But I only did that because YOU…”
“I didn’t forget. You never reminded me.”
“You do the exact same thing.”
The problem is that defensiveness often keeps either person from taking responsibility for even a small piece of the problem.
Sometimes the most powerful sentence in an argument is:
“You're right about that part.”
Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally checks out.
They stop responding.
Look away.
Leave.
Shut down.
Or seemingly disappear behind a wall.
Interestingly, stonewalling is not always about not caring.
Sometimes the person is physiologically overwhelmed.
Their nervous system is basically screaming:
GET OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION.
That is why healthy conflict sometimes requires a break.
Not storming out indefinitely.
Not punishment.
A real break with an agreement to return to the conversation after both people have had time to regulate.
Did You Know? Repair Attempts May Matter More Than Fighting Perfectly?
This may be one of the most reassuring things about couples therapy.
You do not have to communicate beautifully every second.
Sometimes you are going to say the wrong thing.
Sometimes your tone will be terrible.
Sometimes you will become defensive.
Sometimes you will realize halfway through your sentence:
Oh no. I should absolutely stop talking.
Healthy couples get good at repair.
A repair attempt might be:
“Can I start over?”
“That sounded way harsher than I meant it.”
“We are on the same team.”
“I understand why you're upset.”
“Can we take a break and come back to this?”
“I’m getting defensive. Give me a second.”
“Okay, that was funny.”
Sometimes humor itself is a repair.
You are both angry, one of you says something ridiculous, and suddenly you are laughing.
That tiny moment can interrupt the escalation.
The important part is not that couples never hurt each other's feelings.
It is that they learn how to find their way back.
Did You Know? Some Relationship Problems May Never Be Completely “Solved”?
This one can be strangely freeing.
Couples often enter therapy believing:
“We need to resolve this issue once and for all.”
Sometimes you will.
But many relationship disagreements are connected to fundamental differences in personality, values, lifestyle preferences, or needs.
One person wants to save money.
The other wants to enjoy it.
One loves having people over.
The other wants their house to be a peaceful cave.
One wants everything planned.
The other believes planning dinner before 5:30 PM is unnecessarily restrictive.
You may negotiate those differences.
You may compromise.
You may understand them better.
But one partner may never wake up and announce:
“You know what? You were right. Spreadsheets really ARE exciting.”
Sometimes successful couples learn how to manage differences rather than eliminate them.
That shift alone can take enormous pressure off a relationship.
Did You Know? Friendship Is One of the Most Important Parts of a Strong Relationship?
Couples often come to therapy focused on conflict.
But sometimes we need to ask something even more basic:
Do you still enjoy each other?
Do you know what your partner is worried about right now?
What are they excited about?
What is stressing them at work?
Who are they frustrated with?
What are they dreaming about?
What are they currently obsessed with?
Long term relationships can become extremely efficient.
You become excellent coworkers.
Someone handles groceries.
Someone handles insurance.
Someone manages the calendar.
Someone takes the children to practice.
Everyone arrives where they need to be.
Congratulations.
You have created a highly functional logistics company.
But somewhere in that efficiency, the couple can disappear.
Couples therapy sometimes involves rebuilding the friendship underneath the partnership.
Your Relationship May Not Be Broken. Your Pattern May Be Stuck.
One of the most powerful things about couples therapy is realizing that often neither partner is actually the problem.
The cycle between you is the problem.
One partner pursues because they feel disconnected.
The other feels criticized and pulls away.
The first person experiences that withdrawal as further rejection and pursues harder.
The second person feels increasingly overwhelmed and retreats further.
Eventually both people are staring at each other thinking:
“How did we get here?”
And both may actually want the exact same thing.
To feel loved.
Safe.
Important.
Wanted.
Understood.
They have simply developed a pattern that makes it increasingly difficult to get there.
This Is Why Couples Therapy Can Be So Transformative
Good couples therapy is not about deciding who is right.
And your therapist should not become the relationship referee.
Instead, therapy helps couples slow things down enough to understand what is actually happening underneath the argument.
You can learn to recognize your conflict patterns.
Catch the Four Horsemen earlier.
Make better repair attempts.
Respond to bids for connection.
Express needs without attacking.
Listen without immediately defending.
Understand what your partner is really trying to communicate.
And intentionally rebuild friendship, affection, and intimacy.
The research gives us a roadmap.
But then we apply that roadmap to your relationship.
Because no two couples communicate exactly the same way.
A Tiny Relationship Experiment
Tonight, do not overhaul your marriage.
Do something much smaller.
Notice one bid for connection from your partner.
And turn toward it.
Look at the ridiculous video.
Ask the follow up question.
Sit next to them.
Touch their shoulder.
Laugh at the joke you have heard 400 times.
Give them ten minutes of your undivided attention.
Strong relationships are rarely built through one enormous romantic gesture.
They are built through hundreds of ordinary moments that quietly communicate:
I see you.
I like you.
You matter to me.
And if your relationship has gotten stuck in patterns that make those moments harder to find, couples therapy can help you start finding your way back.
At Heights Family Counseling, our couples therapists are trained in evidence informed approaches including Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and other relationship focused modalities. We help couples understand the patterns underneath their conflict and develop practical tools for communication, connection, intimacy, and repair.
Because sometimes your relationship does not need a dramatic reinvention.
It just needs a better pattern.