Healing Through Story: My Top 17 Reads of 2022-23 (Part 1)
Written by Michele Dial, M.ed, Lpc
Lead HFC Psychotherapist
*Trigger Warning: This blog contains commentary on books about interpersonal and sexual violence. Although there is no detail about these experiences in this blog, please be aware of your limits and take care of your personal needs if you decide to continue reading. Relevant books are marked with an asterisk (*).
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
~ Maya Angelou, Author, Poet, Actor, & Civil Rights Activist
I deeply value learning. One of the most valuable life lessons I continue to experience is that, with few exceptions, knowledge is not finite. There’s no destination. Learning is continual and cumulative. It’s a journey of discovery and evolving understanding. With every new experience, new encounter, and new person we meet, there is new information and new perspective added to what we already know.
I learned a lot from this collection. About racism, grief, ongoing childhood abuse, neurodiversity, tragedy, loss, and the search for self-worth. About being human in some of the best and worst ways.
Why 17, you ask? Because I didn’t want to focus on a round number. I wanted to share with you the books that left the deepest grooves in my psyche and reshaped my perspective. So, these are the books and authors who taught me the most about myself and others and frequently took my breath away. I invite you to join me on this journey of learning and let these stories open you up, expand you, and change you as they did me.
If you’re like me, the stack of books on the nightstand and the audiobook queue continue to grow faster than I finish books. So, in the spirit of accessing the truly helpful wisdom these books offer, even when we don’t have the bandwidth to read everything we want to, I’m including links to the authors’ TED Talks, podcasts, and other media, when possible.
TLDR: Scroll through and read the “Quotable” from each book. From there, you can decide if you want to go deeper with the book or other media.
You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience; Essays collected and edited by Tarana Burke & Brene´ Brown
These beautifully written essays were commissioned and compiled to shine a light on the experience of shame and healing from the Black perspective. Each essay is a unique story of pain and injustice inflicted on Black bodies, a Black soul laid bare, in a society that doesn’t always make it safe to be vulnerable. These essays took me on an emotional roller coaster through sadness, guilt, anger, shame, admiration, love, and ultimately, hope. One or two quotes cannot possibly do this collection justice, but I hope they will capture your heart and pull you into these wise and invaluable stories.
Essayists: Kiese Laymon, Imani Perry, Laverne Cox, Jason Reynolds, Austin Channing Brown, Prentis Hemphill, Marc Lamont Hill, Kia Brown, Luvvie Ajayi Jones, Shawn Ginwright, Kaia Naadira, Deran Young, Sonya Renee Taylor, Irene Antonia Diane Reece, Yolo Akili Robinson, Jessica Jay Williams, Aiko Bethea, Tracey Michae’l Lewis-Giggetts
Quotable: This country has made a practice of denying the existence of trauma in black bodies and communities, and also denying its own role, ultimately, in traumatizing us. We’ve also denied and ignored it. Our pain has not been a consideration that many of us can afford to feel. So we cope and adapt and make private rituals to honor who has been lost and what of us is lost in their leaving. ~ Prentis Hemphill
Also notable: When we’re in the locker room and someone says something homophobic, or when we’re in a frat house and someone says something misogynistic, we must be willing to speak up. Even though there will be no social reward. And when the pushback comes, that’s when we have to be willing to be strong. The people we’re defending and the lives we are affirming are more important than our social comfort. We have to be willing to detach ourselves from it. ~ Marc Lamont Hill
Additional Media:
Essayist Profiles, Podcast Interviews, and more
*Know My Name by Chanel Miller
Chanel Miller’s account of her assault, the trial, and her healing journey is a lesson in holding more than one truth at the same time. It is at once infuriating and empowering. It is tragedy and hope. It’s the brutality and the kindness we find in humanity. Chanel shares her story with all the passion, wisdom, and softness that drive her. She doesn't hide or minimize the depth of impact on her life, or the long, healing journey filled with loss and with victory. She’s a force, both powerful and gentle, and she speaks her truth without apology. This book stands alone as a beautiful story. It’s even more powerful and empowering if you are a survivor of sexual assault, or care for someone who is.
Quotable: Do not become the ones who hurt you. Stay tender with your power. Never fight to injure, fight to uplift. Fight because you know that in this life, you deserve safety, joy, and freedom. Fight because it is your life, not anyone else’s. I did it, I am here. Looking back, all the ones who doubted or hurt or nearly conquered me faded away, and I am the only one standing. So now, the time has come. I dust myself off and go on.
Also notable: I used to shrink at harsh tones, used to be afraid. Until I learned it takes nothing to be hostile. Nothing. It is easy to be the one yelling, chucking words that burn like coals, neon red, meant to harm. I have learned I am water. The coals sizzle, extinguishing when they reach me. I see now those fiery coals are just black stones sinking to the bottom.
Additional Media:
- Interview with Edwina Throsby in the series All About Women
- Art Installation – I was, I am, I will be
- Chanel Miller (Emily Doe) Victim Impact Statement
It’s OK That You’re Not OK by Megan Divine
This is a book about grief. Megan Divine shares her personal journey through the unfathomable, sudden, and tragic death of her partner. Don’t let the title fool you. It’s not an assumption about where you are in your grief process. Rather, it’s an affirmation of wherever you are in your unique journey, and an invitation for others who care for you to meet you there. We will all experience grief and loss at multiple points throughout our lives. Megan encourages and empowers us to find our path through it in ways that make sense for us. She speaks passionately and compassionately, without being too much of anything. She’s truthful without blaming, gentle without being syrupy, and direct without being harsh.
Quotable: We don’t need more tools to get out of grief. What we need are the skills to withstand it; in ourselves and in others.
Also notable: Of course, people want to make you feel better. It’s part of being human. We want to take away what hurts. We want to help. … But instead of feeling held and comforted, many grieving people feel shamed, shunned, and dismissed. Instead of feeling effective and useful, those trying to help feel unwanted, frustrated, and unappreciated. No one gets what they want.
The role of the support team is to acknowledge and companion those in pain, not try to make it better. … Show up. Listen. Don’t fix.
Another good one: [for the griever] You will do what you need to do when you need to do it. It will never feel good, but if it makes you feel sick, now it’s not the time.
Additional Media:
- Refuge In Grief – Grief Support
- It’s OK That You’re Not OK podcast
The Hot Young Widows Club by Nora McInerny
This is another book about grief and incomprehensible loss. It’s shorter in length and lighter in tone, despite the magnitude of Nora’s losses (a pregnancy, a father, and a husband in 2 months). It is supportive and validating, with a touch of humor because it’s a part of her authentic self. Nora also has kind and caring guidance for those trying to support someone in the midst of grief and loss. She notes that we, as a culture, have a hard time giving people time to grieve, time to ache. It’s uncomfortable, and we try to avoid discomfort in general. But sometimes that’s exactly what a hurting person needs – for someone to just be in it with them. We can’t fix a person’s pain, but we can walk beside them while they hurt.
Quotable: I have had many conversations about grief where I felt like I’d been force-fed a spoonful of sugar when all I needed was the medicine of actually being seen and heard through my dark time.
Also notable: It’s OK for some things to just be bad. It’s OK for some things to just be hard. It’s not our job to wrestle a big life lesson out of every hurt we are dealt, or to find that lesson in a hurry.
Additional Media:
- Nora McInerny’s Podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking
Atlas of the Heart by Brene´ Brown
Atlas of the Heart is a treasure trove of emotional intelligence, which will come in handy as you feel your way through the other books here. Over the years, Brene´ Brown’s research of the human experience has shown that most people can only name a handful of emotions. In this book, Brown names, sorts, and describes 87 emotional experiences! Even for those of us who are attuned to human emotions, this is an expansive experience. For instance, have you differentiated between shame, guilt, embarrassment, and humiliation? Anger and contempt? Joy and happiness? Empathy and Sympathy? When we have a better grasp of our own emotional landscape, we are better able to understand and connect with others in their experiences, adding richness and depth to our relationships.
Quotable: Perfectionism is not striving to be our best or working toward excellence. Healthy striving is internally driven. Perfectionism is externally driven by a simple but potentially consuming question: “What will people think?”
Also notable: Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.
Additional Media:
Atlas of the Heart Hub – excerpts and clips from he HBO Max series
To be continued . . .
Footnote: I listened to the audiobooks for most of these books. Audiobooks are my favorite medium because a person’s voice gives life to the author’s words. It’s like hearing them personally tell you their story over coffee, just as passionately and personally as if they are your best friend.
What have you read that’s worth sharing? I’d love to hear about it! Email me at micheledial@heightsfamilycounseling.com.
If you’re looking for further support, we offer a variety of therapy specialties including trauma therapy. Contact us to learn more.