Managing Uneven Sex Drive in Relationships

 Written by Rachael Lindberg, M.S., LPC, SXI

Licensed Professional Counselor & Board Certified Sexologist

“I am worried we are sexually incompatible. What if this ruins our relationship?” This is a common fear of individuals and couples who are seeking relationship counseling or sex therapy. Society, social media, and movies/TV shows often send the message that if couples are not having frequent sex or experience discrepancies in their libido then the relationship is doomed for failure. It also tends to perpetuate the stereotype that men always experience a higher libido than women and that “all they want is sex.” Anyone can experience a higher or lower libido compared to their partner(s). It is not the fault of either partner, which means that it is the responsibility of everyone involved to identify areas of change to address a sexual desire discrepancy.

While an uneven sex drive can create conflict in a relationship, it does not necessarily mean the couple is incompatible overall. It is incredibly common for couples to experience a desire discrepancy at some point in the relationship. In fact, research has found that 80% of couples regularly experience occasions in which one partner desires sexual intimacy and the other does not (Day, Muise, Joel, & Impett, 2015). Does this mean that 80% of all couples are sexually incompatible and must end the relationship? Absolutely not! Differences in libido exist, just like differences in being tidier vs. messy, liking coffee vs. tea, or being a night owl vs. a morning bird. It is a manageable concern that can be addressed through a variety of interventions. Strategies for managing a sexual desire discrepancy include learning about common causes of low libido and identifying the type of desire you experience most often. 

It is important to learn more about and assess for common causes of low libido/desire to rule out any physical or medical conditions that may be contributing to the difficulty. Medical conditions such as cancer, chronic pain, diabetes, or hypothyroidism, as well as hormonal changes in estrogen and testosterone, are known to affect sexual desire. Mental health conditions such as depression or anxiety can negatively affect libido as can excessive alcohol, nicotine, and drug use. Certain prescriptions such as hormonal birth control, antidepressants or mood stabilizers, high blood pressure medications, and chemotherapy are also correlated with lower libido. It is important not to make changes to your medications unless under the guidance of a licensed physician. Always refer to your prescribing doctor when exploring options to address sexual health.

The more you know how your body responds to arousal, the more effectively you can identify your response to desire and the things you might desire to improve libido. Researcher and author of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski, PhD, has identified three types of desire and how they present differently across genders. Spontaneous Desire occurs spontaneously, meaning a person can be aroused with or without direct sexual stimulation, and occurs in 75% of penis-owners and 15% of vulva-owners. Responsive Desire occurs in response to stimulation which can be physical, verbal, or auditory- something sexually exciting happens and the body experiences arousal in response. This type of desire occurs in 5% of penis-owners and 30% of vulva-owners. When the environment and current life circumstances impact libido, this is known as Contextual Desire. This can include relationships, finances, work, family, or other stressors that may cause sex to not be as high on the list of priorities because your brain and your body are busy managing the stress. For relationships, constant fighting, lack of trust, or difficulty communicating can contribute to a context that is not conducive to sexual desire. 

Once you are aware of which type of desire you experience most commonly, then you can learn how to create more access to the contexts and experiences that do encourage your body to experience desire. This might mean attending couples or individual therapy to address the relationship or other external stressors, renegotiating who manages which household tasks and responsibilities, learning to date again, and improving communication and conflict management with your partner(s). Other factors that can affect desire include the time of day, setting (at home vs on vacation), special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries), or even whether the kids are still awake or your in-laws are visiting from out of town. Awareness of how context and settings may affect your libido will allow you to communicate with your partner(s) on what you can both do to contribute to an environment that is more romantic, sensual, or relaxed to enhance emotional and sexual attraction and desire. 

Consider Couples or Sex Therapy/Coaching:

If you are looking for couples or sex therapy/coaching to promote a healthy relationship,  a skilled therapist can help with these goals. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person counseling. 

 Begin Counseling in Houston, TX, or San Antonio, TX: 

Our team of skilled therapists is passionate about helping you build the life you want. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their stories. Together, we ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would love to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX & San Antonio, TX, or online therapy in Texas:

1. Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation

2. Meet with one of our therapists

3. Begin sex therapy/coaching to help strengthen your relationship

Day, L. C., Muise, A., Joel, S., & Impett, E. A. (2015). To Do It or Not to Do It? How Communally Motivated People Navigate Sexual Interdependence Dilemmas. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167215580129

Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life. Simon & Schuster trade paperback edition, revised and updated. New York, NY, Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, an imprint of Simon & Schuster.