The Kids Didn’t Ask For A Divorce

WRITTEN BY Michele Dial, LPC

HFC Lead Therapist

In 2015, I became a stepmom.

I wasn’t looking to join a blended family, but finding them has been a bonus and a blessing. The man who captured my heart has two phenomenal children from his first marriage. We dated six months or so before I met the kiddos, who were 8 and 10 years old at the time.

They were understandably unsure and guarded. We spent a year getting to know each other before we got married. And I mean all four of us. We all chose to enter into this next phase of life together. The kids were a part of that decision and every decision since then. They don’t always get exactly what they want, but they get a voice in matters that concern them.

Marriage and parenting are hard work that can push us to the edge of our limits, even in the healthiest and most typical circumstances. Blended families add many more layers of complexity to those roles, and navigating the landscape was more challenging than I expected. I don’t have all the answers – every new phase of life brings a new challenge. But I have learned over the years that no one ever has all the answers, so sharing what we’ve learned is a kindness to our fellow humans as we do life together. I’ll share with you what has and hasn’t worked well for our family so far, and you can try on whatever makes sense for you and yours.

So here we go. These are the concepts and choices that helped me most on this journey of stepparenting.

Be sensitive & compassionate to their plight / position

I’m grateful (you’ll hear me say that a LOT) that these two kiddos chose me, but I don’t ever hold that over their heads because they definitely did NOT choose for their parents to divorce in the first place. That fact is always present for me in all of my interactions with them. It guides me in every way possible. They did not ask to be here. They didn’t have a say in the divorce. Now, they’re seeing each of their parents half as much as they used to, and they split their time between two homes (different rules, comforts, expectations, etc) multiple days each week. It’s a lot to navigate. Using that lens helps me maintain (or regain) perspective, empathy, and compassion whenever I’m feeling distressed, unwanted, or disrespected. I don't always get it right, but I bring myself back here as soon as possible.

It’s also valuable to be sensitive to the issues the biological/custodial parents face. It can be even harder to co-parent after a divorce for a variety on complicating reasons, including separate homes with separate rules. When a stepparent is thrown into the mix, there’s yet another adult figure with values, principles, wants, and needs. It’s not uncommon for a biological / custodial parent to feel caught in the middle when a child and stepparent are on opposing sides of an issue. When this type of scenario arises, the family may benefit from the adults stepping aside and working through the issue first, so they at least know how they’re going to proceed, even if they’re not in complete agreement.

Find Your Place, Know Your Place

To me, the most important thing to remember as a stepparent is that birth parents can never be replaced. Regardless of circumstances, those two people hold a unique space in a person’s story, for better or worse. So rather than think about titles, it’s helpful to think about the roles we play. My family looks like this: I am woman married to my stepkids’ father who is a wonderful dad. He was formerly married to their mother, who is present, involved, and healthy, so the kids don’t need me to be a mom figure as they might if they’re mom was absent or otherwise unable to parent. It also means they don’t live with their dad and me full-time, which impacts our roles and how we spend our time together.

In the early stages of this family union, I considered thinking of myself like an aunt. They are respected adult figures in a kid’s life, and you can have multiple aunts, so this role means I’m not replacing anyone. On the other hand, aunts don't generally see the kids several days a week, and are often known for fun and spoiling and sending them back to their parents, kind of like grandparents. So that doesn’t fit.

So I’m not their mom figure and I’m not an aunt. Ultimately, there is no other role quite like a stepparent. It’s unique, and therefore uniquely defined. To varying degrees, we accept parental responsibilities, like providing a home, food, clothing, transportation, homework help, emotional support, etc, but often have little or no authority or decision-making ability. There’s no playbook for this role, no precise definition, so we just take it day by day, exploring options until we find a balance that makes the most sense for us. It’s different for every family because each person has a unique personality, needs, and boundaries.

Build Relationships

Relationships of any kind tend to thrive more when there is mutual trust and respect. Regardless of age, these key components are most effective as a two-way street. As a new person in this family, I didn’t automatically expect or demand deference, obedience, or respect. I knew I needed to earn their love and trust – it wasn’t owed to me. So I worked hard to build friendship and mutual respect by treating them kindly, respecting their space (literally and figuratively), and trying to find points of connection.

One thing that surprised me about building relationships with my stepkids is that I became much more thoughtful in how I approach people in general. I am always (still) acutely aware that we don’t have the same bond as the kids have with their biological parents, the same unconditional love and forgiveness. Growing up, I remember arguing with my parents and sister pretty hotly at times. There’s something about familial security that somehow makes it safe for us to unload on one another. I totally don’t recommend it, but it’s a dynamic I see play out in many couples and families.

But that’s not the case with stepfamilies. My stepkids have to share space with me, but they don’t have to like me or want to hang out with me. If I want a long-term relationship with them, I have to earn that spot in their lives. I knew I’d never get away with “momming” them with directions and corrections, so I am way more discretionary in what I choose to bring up with them and how I express myself, especially dissenting opinions, emotions, and behavioral concerns (frustration, disrespect, crossing boundaries).

In the beginning, it was virtually nothing. If we had an issue, I let my husband be the bridge, the rule enforcer, the director. Now that the kids and I have developed strong bonds, I feel like I can talk with them if I see something that was outside their values or harmful to me or someone else, especially each other. For example, we have strict rules about no body shaming or brain shaming, and I am quite comfortable calling them out if they get into that territory. However, I am still very gentle and thoughtful about how I do it. This is not just a rule to follow; it’s a value I want them to embrace.

To this day, I never tell them what to do. If I want them to clean their rooms or do their dishes or chores, I ask. Always. Even though it’s a house rule, I just never frame it that way. I don’t give orders. And I thank them for doing what I ask. People generally don’t like it when another person wields power over them, and they generally like to feel appreciated. All this practice has made me even more cognizant and considerate of how I show up in my other relationships. Again, I’m grateful for this learning experience as a stepparent.

Bonding

While being intentional in all relationships is valuable, when you’re not in traditional parent / child roles, intentionality becomes crucial to developing relationships between stepparents and stepkids. If you’re lucky enough to have mutual interests, like movies, crafts, sports, baking, video games, or board games, these activities can be natural connection points. If you don’t already have something in common with the kids, you can try to learn something new together, or you can take an interest in something they like. I was never big into crafts, but I didn’t hesitate to dive in when my stepdaughter asked me to do crafts with her. Especially when I learned their mom doesn’t do crafts – it became “our thing” for a while. She’s super creative, so she’d dream up projects, and we’d head to Hobby Lobby or the dollar store and load up on supplies. My stepson often joined in, so we all bonded over these activities.

Now that we’re in the teen years, we rarely get game time or activities with them. Instead, we binge a few TV shows, watch the occasional movie, and savor every last bit of Ted Lasso together as each episode drops. And we all dig pickleball!

Boundaries

On the flipside, it’s okay for some things to be off limits. For instance, my stepdaughter loves indoor rock climbing, but she never wanted to go when we were looking for weekend activities. With a little curiosity and compassion, she eventually let us know that rock climbing is something she does with her mom and wanted to keep it that way. I’m really grateful she was able to share her need to keep something sacred, and we gladly respected that boundary. 

Likewise, stepparents can – and should – have boundaries, too. As hard as it can be with tenuous relationships, boundaries are a vital part of every relationship, even if there are just a few big ones. For example, we don’t want to normalize or turn a blind eye to any behavior toward the stepparent that we wouldn’t allow with other people. While we can certainly understand a child’s discomfort with a divorce, a new person in the home, etc, we don’t need to justify behavior that’s outside the values of the family.

Sometimes, boundaries are not as clear as treating people kindly. Once upon a time, my stepson was in a snake phase and was considering a pet snake. All things snake are a hard no for me. I’m terrified of them. I’m incredibly grateful my husband supported me in the “no snakes in our house” rule, including the fake ones. Thankfully, my stepson was accepting of it. Eventually the idea faded, and no snakes were acquired. Whew!

House Rules

Speaking of rules, it is super helpful if you and your partner get aligned on what the rules will be in the home you share with the kiddos. My husband and I talked a lot about what kind of environment we wanted to establish in our home. For us, this is a space where we both have a voice, and can partner on the rules, guidelines, responsibilities, expectations, etc. Every family has different values and needs, so you’ll have to decide together what you want your home and these relationships to look like. This is an ongoing conversation with each new age range or phase of life.

 When it comes to decisions about the kids’ lives, i.e. school, medical, summer camp, etc, I don’t have any decision-making power. However, my husband does sometimes seek my input as he considers his own ideas and beliefs about the decisions to be made, so there is still some room for influence. Because he cares about my perspective, I feel connected and involved. I still often feel my hands are tied when I feel strongly about something, but I'm grateful that all three of them have come to trust me with some important aspects of their lives.

In more recent years, even their mom has asked for my input in some areas. This relationship between me and the parent I’m not married to has taken the longest to develop. For some families, this relationship may never get past the initial awkwardness, and in some cases, anger, resentment, etc. I’m grateful that the kids’ mom and I were able to work through our own feelings and come together for the sake of the kids.

 Stepparenting is challenging, no doubt about it. If we can build mutual interests, trust, and respect the path will get smoother. Remember, we chose to be in a blended family. It’s up to us to meet the kids and their parents with compassion and grace as we forge new relationships and plot a new course for our lives together.

Book Recommendation

Blending Families by Trevor Crow Mullineaux and Maryann Karinch (Emotionally Focused Therapists)

If your kids are struggling after a divorce, contact us to see how child counseling can help them to process the change.