What to Expect When it’s Hard to Expect: A Peak Into the Emotions of Infertility

WRITTEN BY Morgan Phelps, M.S.

If you are going through infertility and fertility treatments, you have likely experienced a range of confusing emotions and wondered if it’s normal. You’re not alone. In some ways, it can feel lonely and isolating. Others may feel uncomfortable talking to you about it, or vice versa. It may be consuming your thoughts, or you may be avoiding thinking about it at all costs. The ups and downs can be disorienting. My hope is to normalize some of these emotions and send some comfort your way.

Grief. Grief is one that can sneak up on you. Grieving the loss of the experience of becoming pregnant on your own. Grieving what you expected your pregnancy journey to look like. Grieving the choice to not pursue pregnancy. Grieving the chance of getting pregnant at all. We’ve all experienced some loss in our lives at some point. No matter how many losses you have grieved, sometimes it just doesn’t get easier. Give yourself permission to acknowledge your loss and feelings.

Relief. Being told what to do, exactly when to do it in fertility treatments can bring on relief for those who have been tracking, monitoring, and testing month after month. It’s an odd feeling to release a bit of control. It’s like you get a little bit of mental space back to use.

Jealousy. The green-eyed monster. Let me first say, you’re not a bad person for feeling jealous or struggling to be around your friends and family who are pregnant or having babies.  It makes you human. We don’t always get to control what we feel, and those feelings aren’t always pleasant.

Alone. Whether you are going through fertility treatments on your own, with a partner, or with a supportive person, it can still feel lonely sometimes. During those lonely times, reach out to somebody you trust or lean on your partner. Journaling can also be a helpful way to release some emotion and reflect on your thoughts and feelings. If you are going through this process in a relationship, check-in on your partner. While they may not be the ones getting shots, ultrasounds, and popping pills, they can experience the emotional rollercoaster that is infertility. As much as you try to not get your hopes up to protect yourself from disappointment, you just can’t help it sometimes. Disappointment is a normal part of infertility and likely one you are familiar with. Your partner is riding this same rollercoaster with you.

Grateful. You may feel grateful for an opportunity or grateful for how much you have been through. You also don’t have to feel grateful. While practicing gratitude has so many benefits, we also want to make sure that you aren’t participating in toxic positivity. The reality is, we aren’t meant to only experience the good-feeling emotions. Sometimes we feel those uncomfortable emotions and we can choose to listen to what they are trying to tell us and sit with them. However, choosing to practice gratitude doesn’t mean we are invalidating uncomfortable feelings, it means we are choosing to find something positive in a hard situation.

Private. You can choose to keep the process private. Setting boundaries with people is a challenge but can help protect your mental space. Sometimes people say the wrong things or have every good intention but don’t know what to say. Hearing things like “I just know it will happen for you”, “just relax”,  or “have you tried ______”  can be hurtful. While all these comments are likely not malicious, it can feel like shame. Like you aren’t doing enough. The reality is infertility is common and a lot of times it is unexplained. If you know somebody going through infertility, try saying something like “I imagine this is hard, and I’m here if you ever want to talk or if you don’t”.    

Connected. There’s a large population of people going through infertility, and lot of ways to connect. You can join a local support group, join an online group, read blogs, read books, or talk with friends and family. Whatever helps you feel supported and connected through this process. You may need to lean on someone or hear words of encouragement. Choose people who build you up and care about you.

You can hold multiple feelings at one time. Yes, you can feel scared and excited in the same moment. You can feel let down by your body and proud of your body.  You can feel hope and grief. If you take away anything from this, let it be to be gentle with yourself as you feel so much.

If you are struggling with infertility and want more support, reach out! I would love to sit with you and hold space for all the emotions you’re navigating in perinatal counseling.