Understanding Attachments

Written by Kristin Tallackson, M.A., LPC (OH), LPC-Intern (TX)

You may have heard of attachment theory before and if you’ve ever had a general psychology class, you may be aware of the infamous Bowlby and Ainsworth experiments. For those of us that are newer to the theory, no worries. This blog will give a basic understanding of attachment styles and how they impact our relationships.

Bowlby proposed there are three styles of attachment and attachment is fixed for life. However, upon later conducted research, we have concluded there are four attachment styles and that they are not fixed for life. They, in fact, are unfixed. A relieving thought for those of us may have not formed secure attachments with our caregivers. Research conducted by Berkley University stated that there are two critical points in ones life where attachments become malleable: falling in love with a new partner and becoming parents. The four attachment styles include: secure, anxious, avoidant, and anxious avoidant. However, there is ongoing research on anxious/avoidant attachment and is often characterized as disorganized attachment. For the sake of this blog, we will focus on three forms of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant.

What is attachment?

Attachment is looked at by our connection to parents and partners. It describes the relationship dynamic. We often ask ourselves questions such as am I safe? How much can I trust you to protect me and care for me?

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment characteristics in children include children are able to separate from parent, they seek comfort from parents when frightened, they greet the return of parents with positive emotions, and they prefer their parents to strangers. Secure attachment is fostered in childhood when parents play with their children, and are more quick to react to their children’s needs. Children who are securely attached are more likely to be empathetic, are generally less aggressive and tend to be more mature than their counterparts.

In adulthood, secure attachment characteristics include having trusting, lasting relationships, having higher self-esteem, they often are comfortable sharing feelings with partners and friends, and regularly seek out social support.

Anxious Attachment

Anxiously attached children are often wary of strangers, become distressed when parents/caregiver leave and are not comforted by their return. They may reject caregivers comfort and show aggression. Anxious attachment is often the result of an inconsistent caregiver. The child is unpredictably soothed and responded to by the caregiver. Research suggests that the relationship between parents plays a role in the transfer of attachment between generations.

As adults, those with anxious attachment often are self-critical and are clingy, feeling overly dependent on their partner. They have feelings of instability resulting from insecurities within themselves and leaving them feeling emotionally dependent in their relationships. They often are worried and untrusting due to their fear of being rejected and unloved. This causes them to rely heavily on their partner to validate self-worth. Their fear of rejection causes them to look for signs that their partner is uninterested.

Avoidant Attachment

Children who have avoidant attachment often avoid caregivers. When frightened, they do not seek comfort from caregivers and show no preference for their caregiver over strangers. Children who have avoidant attachment styles often have parents who are frequently emotionally unresponsive. These caregivers may disregard or ignore their children’s needs. They often dissuade their children from crying and say, “toughen up”.

As adults, those with avoidant attachment styles often avoid emotional closeness within relationships. They often enjoy spending time with their partner but become uncomfortable when relationships get too close. Their partner will often desire to be closer, but they will perceive this as their partner is too clingy. They typically suppress any emotion that may cause them to recognize their attachment needs and deny their vulnerability. When conflict arises, they find it difficult to unveil their thoughts and feelings and will try to become distant.