Creating Healthy Boundaries

Written by Rachel Ealy, M.Ed., LPC

What are boundaries?

Simply put, boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves in relationships. To start thinking about your own boundaries, you can ask yourself what is acceptable and what is not acceptable in certain situations. Your boundaries may, and most likely will, change from situation to situation. Having a mix of the different categories of boundaries (explained in the next section) is completely normal and expected. We define our boundaries through a process of assessing our own personal values, wants, and needs, listening to our own emotions, and respecting ourselves, while respecting others’ values, wants, and needs.

Categories and traits of boundaries

1.     Rigid

a.     Typically keeps oneself at a distance; avoidance of close relationships

b.     Extremely protective of personal information

c.     Can seem detached or closed-off

2.     Porous

a.     Overshares personal information

b.     Struggles with saying “no”

c.     Compliant with others due to fears of being rejected

d.     Over-involved

3.     Healthy

a.     Values oneself and one’s opinion

b.     Doesn’t compromise own values or values of others

c.     Appropriately shares information

d.     Able to communicate ones wants and needs in an assertive and direct way (not passive or aggressive)

e.     Can say “no” to others and accept when others say “no” to them (adapted from TherapistAid, 2016)

Boundaries can be difficult to understand and implement because they are often different from setting to setting. There is not a ‘right answer’ when it comes to your own personal boundaries, because they are based on your own personal value system and culture. Exploring boundaries is extremely critical for having healthy relationships – whether it is a parent/child relationship, an intimate relationship, and friendship, an employee/boss relationship, or even a relationship between coworkers. Boundaries tell a person what is okay and what is not okay. Having unhealthy or nonexistent boundaries can eventually lead to anger and resentment. This is a topic that is often brought up in counseling sessions due to boundaries being crossed, however more often than not, boundaries have not been openly discussed. Explicitly stating your boundaries in a direct and kind way is key to lasting connection.

Types of boundaries

 Physical: Boundaries related to personal space. When physical boundaries are healthy, there is an understanding of what is appropriate based on the situation at hand. For example, when it is appropriate to hug someone versus a handshake versus no physical touch. Healthy physical boundaries mean listening to and respecting your own comfort level with personal space.

Intellectual: Boundaries related to thoughts and ideas. For example, knowing when it is appropriate and not appropriate to talk about certain topics, such as politics.

Emotional: Boundaries related to personal feelings. Understanding the right amount of personal information to share based on the setting.

Sexual: These boundaries refer to emotional, physical, and intellectual aspects of sexuality. Healthy sexual boundaries involve respect for your own limitations and desires as well as your partner’s limitations and desires.

Material: Boundaries related to possessions. Healthy material boundaries involve respecting someone else’s possessions as well as your own possessions. For example, it may be appropriate to share your car with a family member or close friend, but it may not be appropriate to lend out your car to someone you just met.

Time: Boundaries related to usage of time. Healthy time boundaries mean being able to manage one’s own time in order to give the proper amount of attention to family, friends, school, work, hobbies, etc. These boundaries can be violated when someone demands too much of someone’s time without respecting that the person has other obligations and personal interests to attend to. (Adapted from TherapistAid, 2016)

My recommendation is to begin by exploring your values and then work your way through each of the types of boundaries listed above.

For more on boundaries and more helpful examples as you explore your value system and create your own boundaries, check out this PDF. It includes basic principles of boundary setting, benefits of and guidelines for effective boundaries, signs and symptoms of ignored boundaries, guidelines for setting consequences when boundaries are crossed, signs of unhealthy boundaries, steps to establish healthier boundaries, and an extremely helpful chart on rational boundary-building thinking.

If you are struggling to set boundaries at work, contact us for a free consultation for work burnout counseling.

http://www.recoveryeducationnetwork.org/uploads/9/6/6/3/96633012/boundary_setting_tips__1_.pdf