Pandemic Loneliness & Relationship Issues
Couples are reporting spending more time together since the pandemic hit. But, they report feeling lonelier than ever. This quote feels truer than ever before, "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” So, the question today is, why are we feeling so alone despite spending so much time together?
The Pandemic Made Some Relationship Issues Worse
Some mental helath professionals believe that more time together has magnified issues that were already present. This may include issues like conflict styles, intimacy, or communication. Then, when you're stuck at home with little outside interaction, these issues grow and become bigger issues. You might start to doubt everything and think your relationship is doomed. Questions such as “Maybe we were never right together” might start to swirl in your mind. This is called snowballing. Something small grows bigger and bigger.
But, let’s shrink those fears some; Did you feel your relationship was working before the pandemic? How did you previously connect and have fun together? And, what made you fall in love with your partner. Thinking about these questions stops the snowballing and puts the problem in perspective. In reality, your relationship has issues. And, these issues are leading to disconnection.
When you were able to time outside the home, these issues didn't seem like such a big deal. You could escape them and get away when you felt too overwhelmed. But, now you don't have this luxury. So, this might be your wake-up call to start couples counseling and “tweak” these problem areas. Counseling will help you and your partner grow stronger than ever.
The Magic Six
The Magic Six refers to six quality hours every couple needs to feel secure and healthy in their relationship. You might be thinking, “we spend WAY more than six hours together now.” But, maybe you don't. With limited dating options and limited time away from each other, the quality of your interactions with your partner has gone down. Even if the quantity has gone up.
Ultimately, a lack of quality time with your partner causes loneliness. And when you feel lonely you may find yourself wanting more from your partner. I know you may be thinking “but they are always nearby. Why do I feel like I need more?” It’s the Magic 6. The quality really does matter.
Read our blog on some dating activities including some covid conscious ideas here!
Some Relationship “Homework”
In counseling, some therapists assign "homework" to their couples. So, my first homework assignment for couples struggling during the pandemic is to get those Magic 6 quality hours. One way to do this is by using card decks and intimacy questions. Here are some of my favorite recommendations,
The 5-1 Ratio:
Another reason you might be feeling lonely during the pandemic is the 5-1 ratio. This means we need to have 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. This helps skew the balance towards something more positive, happy, and healthy.
I don’t know about you, but when I get in a pandemic funk (AKA low-grade depression), it’s harder for me to do the little things to connect with my partner. And, it's these little things that matter most. Instead, I tend to go into zombie mode, and I become hyper-focused on survival. I no longer remember to give my partner backrub, make them coffee, or do other little things that were just a part of our normal routine. When I am in this funk I definitely don’t have the energy to focus on more positive interactions than negative ones. This can make others feel undervalued or underappreciated, even if that’s far from the truth.
Thoughts from Couples Therapist Esther Perel
Esther Perel is a famous therapist who specializes in sex and relationships. She believes that people in modern relationships rely too much on their spouses. We expect our partner to be our best friend, soul mate, confidant, sex partner, etc. But, that is too much. She also believes that sexual relationships need adventure and excitement to thrive. Especially, especially long-term monogamous relationships. She says "desire is cramped by familiarness.” Well, that’s not good in a pandemic when we are around our partners nonstop.
So, she recommends spending time apart. This will help you begin to miss your partner and create some autonomy. It will help you protect your identity as an individual. I know it can be hard during the pandemic, but consider ways you can do this in a safe way. Perhaps, you take up a new hobby or learn a musical instrument. Maybe, you could exercise or do something that makes you feel good. Ultimately, you should do things that make you happy, so you don’t rely on your partner.
Her beliefs are similar to Dr. Gottman’s belief that the quality of the interactions is more important than just quantity. We need those magic six hours, and we can do it better when we fill up our tank in other ways.
Consider Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling if Relationship is Struggling
Maybe your sex life has taken a nose dive and you feeling super disconnected from your partner. Or, you're wondering if the fighting will ever stop and if your relationship can return to normal when this is over. But, don’t panic. Don’t snowball. Just take action. Feel free to start with some of the card decks and books. Ultimately, just find ways to build excitement in your relationship, and make time for your own hobbies.
If you're struggling, couples therapy is a great way to connect and find that spark again. A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner through your issues and challenges. They can also help you learn to communicate more effectively which will allow you to work through your issues easier. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online couples therapy and marriage counseling. So, you don't even have to leave your home to get the help you and your partner are needing. You can work with a therapist from the comfort of your surroundings at a time that works well with both of your schedules.
Begin Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling in Houston, TX:
Our team of skilled couples therapists and sex therapists are passionate about rebuilding and strengthening relationships. We would be honored to work with you and your partner on the issues you’re experiencing and help you learn new ways to connect and deal with your challenges. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX or online therapy in Texas:
Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation
Meet with one of our couples therapists
Begin couples counseling to help strengthen your relationship.