Gay Dating: What Are You Looking For?
Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC-Associate
Dating is a stressful, confusing, frustrating, emotional, exhilarating, anxiety-inducing, traumatic… (insert almost any adjective/emotion here) experience. In the unique world of gay dating, many aspects are even more convoluted and muddied. Most gay individuals struggle to navigate the waters of the dating scene. In fact, many find themselves disillusioned and hopeless from the process. So much so, they give up on finding the love they've dreamed of for so long. This blog series on gay dating is designed to help gay men find a more intentional way to engage with dating. As an LGBTQ therapist in Houston, TX, I hope this can help bachelors have better luck in the dating process. For those of other gender identities or sexual identities, you can find some helpful topics in this series as well.
Before You Even Start
Before you go to the airport, do you buy a ticket and plan where you want to visit? Before you buy a house, do you see what you can afford? If no, then you may not like anything I have to say here. If yes, then ask yourself this. Do you also think about what you want from dating before you create profiles or go on dates? No? Well, it may be time to start.
If you have been on the gay dating scene any longer than 24 hours, you have likely received one question, “What are you looking for?” Do you know how to answer this? If you want to end up with a specific result, then it is important to know where you are going before you start. You may dream of getting married, having a committed life partner, and creating a family. If so, it is important to know that and set boundaries from the start. Or, if you're looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex and relationships. If so, it's important to know that from the start as well. Entering the dating world without the self-awareness of what you want can be harmful. You may be setting yourself up to be abused, hurt, and taken advantage of. You may even do the same to someone else without knowing it.
Why Does it Matter?
Being on the lookout for sex is very different than being on the search for a husband. For a sexual partner, your standards may be very different. Your only needs may be that they are male, cute and that their position (top/bottom/vers) goes with yours. And, you may or may not have more stringent requirements for a one-night stand. You likely would have more requirements for someone you had to see every day, live with, share finances with, travel with, introduce to your parents, etc. If you’re looking for a one-night stand, you don’t have to be as focused on certain qualities or characteristics. Is this person only meant for a fun night and to fulfill physical needs? If so, you may not feel the need to care about their profession. Or, their dreams, goals in life, or even what language they speak.
Confidence is Key
When out on the dating scene, almost everyone responds well to confidence. Yet, not all of us find confidence easily. Confidence comes from having a strong sense of self. This may be authentic, or through the use of a façade to appear more confident than we are. Best dating success comes from being authentic. This means being strong in your sense of who you are and what value you bring to the table. If you are taking the time to read this, you CLEARLY have an intentional side to you that cares about self-growth. That alone is a huge benefit that you can bring to someone else in a dating relationship. If you know your worth, then you can defend it better when deciding people to consider dating. You can also decide to be pickier with the types of people that you choose to meet up with. Everyone has value and something unique that they bring to the world. But, that does not mean that every person deserves to be a part of your life.
As a Houston couples therapist, I understand the importance of knowing what you want before you start dating. You can express yourself in a more clear and confident way. This makes it easier to express your wants, desires, and intentions for the dating process. For example, you may be looking for a husband and you’re talking to someone wanting only a hookup. By communicating each other’s wants, can help you both save a lot of headache, heartache, and time.
Already Started and Haven’t Figured it Out?
Don’t fret! It is never too late. Does your Bumble say, “Not Sure Yet” next to the magnifying glass? Well, now might be a time to go back in and change it. Be clear with what you want and you will be more likely to find it. Try talking to new matches/prospective dates with a newfound clarity of direction. Give it a shot! It could lead you in a very different direction with very different results.
Receive Support From an LGBTQ Therapist in Houston, TX
Dating can be difficult, but finding the right support shouldn’t be. A caring therapist from our Houston, TX-based counseling practice would love to provide you with a safe, judgment-free place. Here, you can discuss your experiences related to dating, or any other issue. To start your therapy journey, please follow these simple steps:
Schedule a free phone consult by contacting our practice
Meet with a caring therapist
Start receiving the support you deserve