Gay Dating: Healthy Boundaries

Written by Ty Neely, M.S., LPC-Associate

Dating is a stressful, confusing, frustrating, emotional, exhilarating, anxiety-inducing, traumatic… (insert almost any adjective/emotion here) experience. In the unique world of gay dating, many aspects are even more convoluted and muddied. Most gay individuals struggle to navigate the waters of the dating scene, and many find themselves so disillusioned and hopeless from the process that they give up on finding the love that they have dreamed of for so long. This blog series on gay dating is designed as an attempt to help gay men find a different, more intentional way to engage with the dating scene and hopefully have better luck and enjoyment in the dating process. For anyone of other gender identities or sexual identities, you can probably find some helpful topics in this series as well.

            Boundaries have recently become quite the vogue topic in many dating spheres. However, gay men often struggle setting, enforcing, and maintaining healthy boundaries in dating relationships. Why? Well, the answer is different for everyone. But often, individuals in the LGBTQ+ community have been so invalidated in social and familial relationships that when someone comes along who appears to be offering the very validation and connection we have been looking for, for so long, we are willing to do anything to make it work. That desperation leads to a dissolution of our much-needed boundaries, and eventually, self-respect.

“I know I don’t have boundaries— that’s ok…right?”

            If you haven’t heard a friend or date mention in a joking (but not really) tone that they don’t really have boundaries, then you are probably that friend. Being open to new things and being in the moment are very different from not having boundaries. If you hear “boundaries” and immediately think of being closed off and lacking vulnerability, please keep reading. Boundaries are rules we have in relationships, whether that relationship is with a friend, parent, boss, hookup, husband, or that neighbor you share a wall with and hear way too much of their personal life… Depending on the nature and context of your relationship with different people, we set rules, whether explicitly expressed or contextually assumed, in order to allow for the greatest level of comfort as well as a guide to how to engage with this person. Do you send the same things to your grandmother that you send your Grindr hookups? If not, that is because you have boundaries with your grandmother that make that relationship more comfortable. If yes, might be time to consider setting some boundaries with granny. Just like we may set a boundary around sending granny nudes, we may also not be willing to have a partner who sleeps with other people, but maybe we are ok with that.

Types of Boundaries

            When thinking about what your boundaries are, it may help to look through each of the following categories:

Physical Boundaries

• Personal space, physical touch

  Violation Examples:

• Someone putting their arm around you when you are not comfortable

• Someone looking through your phone or drawers without consent (personal space)

Intellectual Boundaries

• Thoughts, ideas

Violation Examples:

• Someone belittles your thoughts or perspectives

• May set boundaries with certain family members around discussing politics

 Emotional Boundaries

• Emotions, feelings

Violation Examples:

• Someone takes advantage of your feelings

• Feeling invalidated for your emotional experience

Sexual Boundaries

• All context of sexuality: emotional, physical, intellectual, etc.

Violation Examples:

• Sexual contact without consent

• Pressure to engage sexually in uncomfortable ways

Material Boundaries

• Money, possessions

  Violation Examples:

• Friend wrecks your car and doesn’t pay to fix it

• Brother keeps asking for money

 Time Boundaries

• How your time is used

  Violation Example:

• Someone tries to demand more of your time than you are comfortable with

For each of these boundary types, you probably have some boundaries that are more important to have respected than others. Bottom-Line boundaries are our dealbreaker boundaries, those boundaries that must be respected in order for relationship to continue. An example bottom-line boundary could be to never resort to violence. Good-to-have boundaries are boundaries that we really want to have, but could be willing to compromise on those boundaries if it were necessary. A good-to-have boundary example could be wanting two kids, but being willing to not have kids if your partner did not want them. Lastly, cherry-on-top boundaries are those boundaries that would be very sweet to have, but not much of an issue if we did not get them. For example, maybe you really like to listen to Ariana Grande while having sex to remind you to just keep breathin’, but you would be totally fine if your partner was not okay with that.

In relationship, it is absolutely integral that our bottom-line boundaries are respected. If we feel our bottom-line boundaries are being transgressed and not respected, we will eventually develop resentment towards our partners; you will probably feel taken advantage of and not cared for as the relationship continues. For our good-to-have boundaries, if we are compromising on a lot of our good-to-haves, then our partner(s) should be doing the same for us.

Communicating and Enforcing Boundaries

One of the hardest parts about maintaining healthy boundaries is communicating them with others and not backing down when they are challenged. Keep the following in mind when trying to communicate boundaries:

·      Know your boundaries ahead of time – It is easier to express boundaries if you aren’t caught off guard. If you are planning to start dating, plan out what your boundaries are.

·      Be clear, concise, and direct – Do not beat around the bush or be passive aggressive. Say what is important to you.

·      Be confident – Nothing tells someone that your boundaries don’t matter more than you communicating them without confidence. You don’t have to be rude about it, but don’t be shy about your boundaries.

·      Compromise – While you have important boundaries, so do(es) your partner(s). Try to find comfortable win-win compromises for both of you on the good-to-have and cherry-on-top boundaries. Do not compromise on bottom-line boundaries.

After you communicate your boundaries, especially if the boundary has not been respected in the past, you will need to enforce your boundaries when they are not respected. Depending on the boundary and the degree of the offense, you can remind your partner of the boundary crossing and the need that they respect it. However, if they continue to cross the boundary, then there need to be consequences, and those consequences could be a decrease in your vulnerability and connection to them, or possible an end to the relationship.

 He Isn’t Respecting My Bottom-Line Boundaries, Now What?

            So, you have clearly communicated your bottom-line boundaries and he keeps either breaking them or pressuring you to let him break them. It sounds like he isn’t respecting you or showing you love. Are you looking for love and someone to support and care for you? Yes? Then maybe this isn’t the right person for you. Just because the gay community has different boundaries than much of straight culture with more open relationships, lack of separation of friends of the gender you are attracted to, etc., that does not mean that whatever your boundaries are must adapt to what gay culture says they should be. If something is a bottom-line boundary for you, no matter how small or even silly someone else may think it is, then it is a dealbreaker and you MUST enforce it. If you do not defend your boundaries, nobody else will. Love yourself and respect your boundaries. To quote the mother herself, “if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?”

SERVICES TYLER OFFERS AT HEIGHTS COUNSELING

Ty offers a variety of mental health services for teens, adults, and couples at our Houston Heights Therapy Clinic. His mental health services include: adult therapy, Tween and Teen Counseling, life transitions, couples therapy, work burnout, LGBTQ Friendly Therapy, depression treatment, and anxiety treatment. He also offers online therapy in Texas to meet your mental health needs when you can’t make it to our therapy clinic. To learn more, please contact our counseling office or visit Ty Neely's Bio.