Stop the Pursuit of Happiness

Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S
Owner, Heights Family Counseling

Being a therapist, I have a few “secrets” about human behavior. One is that the pursuit of happiness can sometimes be dangerous and destructive. I know, shocking for a therapist to say this, right? Give me a second to explain. We know from research that people constantly stay at a happiness level of 7 on a 1-10 scale. I witness this often in session, when someone is going on an amazing vacation, they rant about the service or weather. When they are in the middle of a health crisis, they note, “But I know I shouldn’t be that upset because so many people have it worse.” Even when there is a rise up or dip down in our happiness, it’s usually by just a point or 2, then back to 7 we go.

 A psychological experiment was able to replicate the phenomenon. Researchers did a survey of happiness a few decades ago. Each participant had to write down their happiness level on a scale of 1-10 in the moment whenever their pager went off (I did warn you this was decades ago, right, so pagers were totally a thing!). They were then asked to write what was happening in their life to contribute to these emotions.

So, like we discussed earlier, the findings were pretty steady! Almost everyone wrote ‘7,’ no matter what was going on.

It didn’t matter if they were at a party, on vacation, running errands, or at the doctor’s office. It was all a seven!

Now some participants did go through some major life events, like family health crises or losing a job, and happiness levels would dip to the 2-5 range for a short period, and promptly rebound back to the seven!

Just like I witness in the counseling room, positive events don’t shift people very long either. Dream job, marriage, new home, we still are wanting for more! Our pursuit of happiness leaves us constantly thinking it is not enough, we need more of it. Let’s not feel happiness at a 10 because what else could we be missing- there could be more!

This is a fascinating finding! Nobody is fully happy at all times. But at the same time, nobody is fully unhappy consistently either. We all live in a mild-but-not-fully-satisfying happiness. It makes sense that all my clients answer with “okay” when asked how they are feeling! They aren’t awful but could also be feeling better in their mind.

Our brain is constantly lying to us. It is saying “If things are a bit better. If I just get that promotion, new house, designer clothes, degree… things will be perfect.” It simply is not true!

We are chasing our imagined 10 and neglecting our in the moment happiness. In sum, our pursuit of happiness is dampening our actual happiness. Let that one sink in for a moment.

I became pretty worried when the pop coaches a few years back started writing books about “washing your face” and just chasing your dreams. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a dream chaser, chronic worker, and over-functioner myself. But the message was, if you just work extra hard, you’ll get everything you ever wanted. Happiness is just around the corner of hard-work. There’s no reflection on why you want it, your values, childhood experiences, or relationships in your life that are contributing to you wanting this. No one ever stops to think, “Am I happy just as I am? Should I just cherish this for a bit?” Nope, they are chasing the elusive 10 that was promised in that book.

So, what is the answer if it is not to hope for more or working extra hard? The answer is we need to be motivated in life by something more than our own happiness. We must be driven by something greater than ourselves.

Maybe we should stop asking if we are happy and start thinking about “am I making a difference,” “do my actions match my values,” or “what gives me meaning and purpose in life?” Maybe the secret to happiness isn’t actually seeking happiness but giving back and creating meaning?

Read more about this message in Mark Manson’s book, Every Thing Is F%CKED: A Book About Hope.

Consider Existential Therapy for Adults:

If you are looking for meaning in your life, therapy is a great way to heal and discover values and purpose. A skilled therapist can help you find meaning, purpose, improve mood, and achieve goals. At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person counseling. So, you feel comfortable receiving services during the pandemic. You can work with a therapist from the comfort of your surroundings at a time that works well for you.

Begin Counseling in Houston, TX: 

Our team of skilled therapists is passionate about helping you build the life you want. We are value-driven and help people navigate life to make sense of their stories. Together, we ensure they are creating meaning and purpose in their lives. We would love to work with you. Follow these steps to begin counseling in Houston, TX, or online therapy in Texas:

1.    Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation

2.    Meet with one of our  therapists

3.    Begin adult therapy