Dating Reimagined

 Written by Michele Dial, M.Ed., LPC

Lead Therapist at Heights Family Counseling

Hey single folks! How’s your dating life?

Are you meeting people who hold your interest?

Inspire you?

Comfort you?

Excite you?

Are you dating people who get you?

Dating is tough! It can be fun, exciting, and intriguing. It can also be baffling and exhausting. Do you ever find yourself wondering why it’s so hard to find someone you align and connect with?

We work so hard to cultivate the perfect profile – photos taken on our best hair day with ideal lighting and angles, highlights all our best qualities and interesting activities, words that describe the persona we want potential partners to see. Whew! That’s a lot of work!

Then we start scouring the equally polished profiles of potential partners and find the seemingly ideal fit. Similar hobbies, causes, and activities, appropriate life goals, promising careers, etc.

While some folks take it a little too far with photo edits and sometimes total dishonesty, I believe most folks are being truthful about who they are. So, what’s the problem?

It might be that this carefully curated profile is just a sliver of reality. Honest and true, yes. But not the whole picture. It’s the slices of our lives that portray the very best aspects of who we are as humans. The parts we believe a potential partner will find attractive, endearing, loveable.

So, we connect with people that like these parts of us that we’ve allowed to go on blast, increase chatting frequency, finally meet in person, and then spend time getting comfortable enough with them that we can start to relax and be ourselves. And, as we (and they) reveal more layers of ourselves, things start to shift. Sometimes so much so that we find ourselves ditching or being ditched and heading right back to square one – updating profile, searching for new matches, and the cycle starts again. Whoa!

What if we could break this cycle? What if the profile we present to the world was a more well-rounded picture of our true selves? Can you imagine allowing potential partners to see more of what makes you, you? And still being chosen? How affirming! And efficient!

Let’s not go overboard! I’m not suggesting we overshare our deepest and most tender parts of ourselves to the entire world – that’s not emotionally safe or responsible. Trust is an essential component of vulnerability. What I am suggesting is a slightly more authentic view of who we are as deeply human and imperfect individuals.

What if alongside your stunning headshot in your best light, you also posted a goofy photo your BFF snapped of you in a moment of pure joy or silliness? What if someone you hope to spend a large chunk of your days and nights with knows that you’re chronically and inexplicably late despite your best efforts, and still wants to date you? (Let’s face it, that cat gets let out of the bag pretty quickly anyway.) Instead of feeling let down, what if they just expect it and want to know you anyway?

What if you get matched with an amazing person, and you already know they have a hard boundary of no personal calls or texts during the workday, so unless there’s an emergency, don’t even try. Instead of feeling rejected, you know what to expect and you want to meet them anyway.

What if we all love ourselves enough to show up authentically and be seen?

Just being ourselves is the biggest fear of humans. We have learned to live our lives trying to satisfy other people’s demands.

~ The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Your Unfiltered Dating Profile

Let’s start with an exercise in pure, unfiltered recognition of who you are as a person and partner, and who you really need. Take a few moments (or more) to write your unfiltered dating profile. Instead of creating a profile that highlights only the best parts of you, create one that paints a more accurate picture of you – the best, plus the stable traits you might not find as appealing or that you worry a partner won’t like.

Think of this profile, not as a way to sell yourself, but as an opportunity to be truly known (i.e. I snore, I’m uncomfortable in big family gatherings, I have a fiery temper, etc), and to find what you actually want and need in a partner (i.e. frequent reassurance, timely text responses, time to self, someone who cooks, etc).

Questions to consider

 . . . about you

-       What are the deepest parts of you that you cherish? (i.e. your faith, love of music, best accomplishments)

-       What parts do you protect? (i.e. traumatic experiences, being an empath, fear of abandonment)

-       What are the parts of you that you fear will scare people off? (i.e. a fiery temper, compulsive cleaning, D&D)

-       What are your favorite things about yourself? (i.e. dance moves, rescuing stray animals, quirky sense of humor)

-       How do you show love? (i.e. kind gestures, gifts, physical affection, compliments, undivided attention)

-       What might someone see if they’re by your side on a rough day? (i.e. emotional meltdown, withdrawal, panic)

. . . about your potential partner

-       What do you ACTUALLY want in a partner? Deep down, what are you really looking for? (someone who stays calm when you’re freaking out, someone who’s super clean to balance you’re messiness, etc)

-       When it comes to the “big” things, the usuals – honesty, trustworthiness, reliability, sense of humor – what do each of those things actually look like to you?

-       When you recognize someone as a “good communicator,” what are they sharing? How do they speak with you? How do you define and demonstrate good communication? (direct, gentle, specific, empathic, etc)

-       How will you know you’re loved / cared for when you’re with this person? What will they be doing?

-       How do you feel about yourself when you’re with this person?

-       What are your dealbreakers?  (Don’t excuse or justify them too quickly if they emerge)

. . . about the couple

When you imagine yourself and a partner as characters in a book, how do you want the author to describe your relationship?

When you imagine yourself and a partner in a movie, what’s the story line? How do you describe the characters?

I’m not suggesting you publish this profile – but total props if you do! I am suggesting that you get honest with yourself about all the aspects of you and of the partner you can realistically share this life with, in healthy ways. From here, you can think about what parts of this profile are safe to share that will give potential partners a more authentic picture of you.

Maybe, like job interviews, dating apps should add space in a person’s profile entitled, “Things I’m working on” or “Opportunities for growth” or “Idiosyncrasies.”

And when you start hanging out with someone, don't be afraid to ask – and answer . . . truthfully – the hard questions about values, politics, spirituality, family history, etc. Instead of crafting an answer you think someone wants to hear, speak your truth with kindness and respect (this isn’t a jousting match – it’s a potential relationship). If you have big things in common, you can bond over them. If you have polarizing views, it’s good to know early on and see how / if you work through them.

There is no perfect match, but you can improve your odds of finding a great fit – not by painting an ideal picture, but by painting a realist one. It’s possible to be fully seen and loved just as you are. And really, you deserve nothing less.

When you show up masked, you’re going to be expected to stay in that mask. So you might as well show up as who you are. If they don’t like it, they’re not the one. ... Let them meet YOU, not your representative. ... You have something to offer, and it is awesome!

~ Dr. Thema Bryant

Psychologist, Minister, President-elect, American Psychological Association

If you’re struggling to show your authentic self, consider adult therapy in Houston or San Antonio. Contact us to set up a free consultation.