How Can Positivity Be Toxic?!?

 Written by Ashley Taylor, M.S.W, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

When someone confides in us and explains that they are having a tough go of things, it is natural for us to want to change their circumstance and switch their frame of thought. You’re sad? Let’s work on being happy! You’re upset? Turn that frown upside down! What’s so wrong with that?

I used to be the type of friend who would respond to my friends’ emotions by finding the bright side of things. I figured, okay, you reached out to me to express to me something that you’re going through, and I feel a responsibility as a friend to make things better. But what I failed to realize was that maybe this person is not reaching out to me to make things better. Because in reality, the only person that can make things better for them, is them. It never occurred to me that maybe all my friend was asking for was someone to listen to what they had going on, and support them through the difficult time they were having. I thought to myself that I would be doing them a disservice by letting them sit in their sadness. 

I have seen a few things online about the whole idea of positivity being toxic not making sense. That basically positivity in itself cannot be toxic because of the nature of what it literally is: the presence of an optimistic attitude. But when someone is going through something, does an optimistic attitude fix their circumstance?

The idea behind toxic positivity is not that positivity is bad, but that responding to someone's emotions or even your own emotions with the push for a positive outlook and positive thoughts can lead to the suppression of emotions that need to be experienced in order to work through one's feelings. As human beings, we experience a range of emotions on a day-to-day basis: happiness, stress, anger, sadness, grief. When we combat the feeling of these emotions with positivity, we don’t allow our bodies to process through those emotions. 

Another negative outcome of responding to someone else's emotions or your own with toxic positivity is the deterrence of seeking help. If someone comes to you with emotions surrounding something and you reframe their emotion into something positive, they might begin thinking to themselves that whatever concern that initially came to you with is not a big deal. While that does not sound like a negative outcome, this feeling could frequent their life to the point where they would benefit from outside help. And not that your response alone makes or breaks someone's desire to seek further assistance, but it could lead that person to believe that these feelings that they are experiencing truly are not a big deal and that they should keep on keeping on. 

I think it is fair to say that most people desire a positive attitude on a day-to-day basis. When people make various efforts at achieving this state of being but continue to come up short, this can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure: What is wrong with me that I can’t just be positive?

A situation that came to mind for me when thinking about toxic positivity was the pandemic and stay at home orders. Many people took the time to begin new workout regimens, and develop healthier habits. Some people took up new hobbies to pass the time. Others were crippled by the loss of social interaction at work. And many of us know someone who lost a loved one to COVID. Everyone experienced that time differently. By urging people to rise up against the adversity of the situation and find the positives is very dismissive in nature. If you were one of those people who experienced positive outcomes from the time at home, I think that’s great! Calling out toxic positivity does not mean that there is no value in the good things that happen for people. But what it does is help us to avoid dismissing the feelings of someone who has a different experience than ours and instead of approaching them with an open heart and open mind, and letting them know that they have a safe place while speaking to you. 

Let’s be clear about one thing: positivity is not inherently bad. Being positive can be of assistance in getting through many situations and pushing through adversity. For instance, gratitude journals have been shown to be incredibly healing. Responding to someone's emotions with positivity when they need space to be heard can lead to isolation, breakdown of communication, the ignoring of real harm, and low-self esteem. Before defending your response to others’ emotions, think about whether it is self-serving to do so, or if it would not harm anyone to have a different approach.

At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person depression therapy in Houston and San Antonio.

To learn more, please contact our counseling office.