How to Support Someone Grieving this Holiday Season

 Written by Amy Rollo, PhD, LPC-S

Founder and Owner

People are just as scared of the grieving as they are of the dead. I learned as a young child after attending older family members’ funerals that I feared the dead. I remember dreading the viewing and having to be brave when expected to look at the bodies. Everything in me hated the experience; I was afraid of the dead. I knew it and recognized it. As I grew older, I learned to appreciate that this is likely an innate experience. Almost everyone initially feels this way but can get desensitized to it with experience. What surprised me as I got older is recognizing that the fear doesn’t just stop at the dead, people are also scared of the grieving.

Being a therapist for 20 years, I have sat with the worst grief imaginable. I learned how lonely of a process it is and that grief work isn’t necessarily a specific skill set, but the ability to offer comfort or a safe space without trying to change their emotions. Grief is meant to be felt in the fullness and most of the statements people say to the grieving is to make the person saying the statements more comfortable and not the grieving. This concept has been reinforced time and time again, as I have navigated my own grief throughout my lifetime. Statements such as “they are in a better place” and “everything happens for a reason” would make me obviously roll my eyes in the darkest of times. During better times, I was able to recognize people really struggle with their fear of grief and dying and really are unsure what to say or do.  

I share this as we enter the holiday season. The holiday season can be very triggering as many people have family traditions. It becomes painfully obvious during these tradition those who were lost and are no longer there to participate in them. It’s a lonely time as many people avoid the grieving because of their own fear of what to do or say. Here are some tips to help you save space with those grieving during the holidays.

1.     Don’t assume they don’t want to be invited just because they are grieving. Invite them to your holiday and intentionally acknowledge their grief and let them know they are allowed to feel whatever emotions they feel during that time. Your intention is not to cheer them up, but to offer love and support.

2.     Allow them to talk about their loved ones. Some feel a lot of comfort by sharing stories but be mindful that not everyone wants to talk about it.

3.     Ask if they want to do something to honor the person they lost, such as leave a space at the table, share stories, or put up a picture. Open the door to a new tradition but know everyone grieving has a different need or desire.

4.     Meet them where they are. There are no right or wrong emotions in grief, you can be grieving and still laughing and smiling. Take their lead and allow them to feel freely.

5.     Don’t forget to check in after the holidays. Once everything quiets down after the holidays can be a difficult experience for the grieving. Call and ask how they are doing and make sure to ask if they want to make plans. Don’t fear the grieving, but intentional in seeking them out. Even if they do not reply to your calls or texts, I guarantee they see you and recognize your efforts. They benefit from these things even if their grief doesn’t allow them to respond in those moments.

 If you’re struggling with the loss of a loved one, contact us to see how therapy for life transitions can help support you.