“I just want you to be happy”

 Written by Michele Dial, LPC

Lead Clinical Therapist

How many times have we told someone we love, especially our kids, that we just want them to be happy? I recently heard on a podcast that when we tell our kids we want them to be happy, we create an expectation that demands they be happy in order to please us. And if they’re not happy, they have to pretend to be. This dynamic can lead to a variety of psychological and relationship issues later in life. How do our hopes for their wellbeing somehow get distorted into expectations and responsibility for our happiness? That’s not what we meant! It can be so deflating to learn that our best intentions have turned into a source of pain and dysfunction for our loved ones.

I genuinely believe that most people are doing the best they can, and that parents are trying their best to be “good” parents and not mess up their kids. There is so much input from family, friends, colleagues, social media, health professionals, researchers, educators, experts . . . the list goes on. With so much conflicting information, it’s almost impossible to know what’s good for us and what isn’t.

I don’t think this podcast’s guest was condemning our well wishes for our loved ones. In working with people who have internalized and lived by a responsibility to please others, I believe they wanted to help relieve some of that heaviness and pain on the front end by enlightening people about how we affect others. The nuances of giving and receiving messages are challenging to navigate, and are influenced by each person’s life experiences up to that point. It’s valuable to understand the receiver’s perspective.

And it's okay to want the people we love to find happiness. Perhaps we also need to acknowledge that it’s not easy; that life is far more complex than just deciding to be happy. I can’t speak for everyone, but I’d like to clarify what this wish for happiness means to me. And what it doesn’t.

When I say, “I just want you to be happy,” here’s what I DON’T mean.

I don’t mean that I need you to do this happiness thing for my benefit.

I don’t mean that my happiness depends on you being happy.

I don’t mean that I want you to feel nothing but happiness all the time, and that any other emotion is unacceptable.

I don’t mean that I won’t listen to you when you’re hurting or angry or unsure.

I don’t mean that I can’t handle your pain. 

I don’t mean that you have to be happy in order for me to love you.

I don’t mean that you have to be happy in order to be lovable or loved by others.

I don’t mean that I want you to act happy all of the time, even when you’re in pain.

It’s hard to see you hurting, but I can handle it. I’d rather feel your pain with you than let you endure it alone. I’d rather walk through a challenging time with you than let it build a wall between us. A valuable component of a happy life is having people in your corner who love and support you, and knowing they will stand by you through difficult times.

When I say, “I want you to be happy,” here’s what I DO mean.

I want you to find your way to a life makes sense for you.

I want you to cultivate a way of living that feels enriching and sustaining and makes you want to wake up and engage with the world each day.

I want you to find the path, the people, and the ways of being that bring you joy and a general sense of contentment, peace, and wellbeing.

If what I’m offering or suggesting doesn’t fit for you, that’s okay. I want you to know that your happiness is more important to me than your compliance with my perspective.

If we don’t agree on what’s best for you, I hope that whatever decision you make leads to the best possible outcome for you.

I want you to make choices in your life that make you happy for your benefit. You are not responsible for mine or anyone else’s happiness. You get to design your life in a way that works for you.

I want you to have what you want and need.

And I want you to know that I love you and support you on this journey. 

Pain and difficulties are inevitable. It’s impossible to skate through this life problem-free. I know you’re going to get angry and hurt and have a thousand other decidedly unhappy emotions and experiences throughout life. We all do.

My hope is that your life is fulfilling and satisfying, aligned with your values and beliefs, and reflects all the beautiful parts of you. And when your life is interrupted with challenges, I hope this life you’ve created will carry you through the difficult times.

When I say, “I just want you to be happy,” it is not a need, a demand, or an expectation. It’s not even a gentle request. All of these words point back to me. And it’s not for me or about me at all. It is a wish, a hope, an invitation for you.

If you’re struggling to find happiness, contact us to see how depression therapy can help to support you.