Talking to Your Children About Divorce

 Written by Morgan Phelps, M.S., LPC, NCC

Licensed Professional Counselor

Divorce can be a challenging and emotional journey for everyone involved, especially for children who may find themselves caught in the midst of changing family dynamics. As parents, it is important to approach this change with empathy, clarity, and age-appropriate honesty to help your children navigate through the storm of emotions.

Here are some strategies to support your children through a parent's divorce

1. Be Clear and Age-Appropriately Honest

Communication is key when it comes to helping children understand the changes happening in their family. Be clear and honest with them, using language that is appropriate for their age. They don’t need to know the in-depth, intimate details of the divorce. Avoid using complicated terms or details that may confuse them. Instead, focus on the fact that each of their parents will be living in different homes but will continue to love and care for them. Keep it simple.

Assure them that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will remain actively involved in their lives. Encourage open communication and let them know that it's okay to ask questions or express their feelings.

2. Reassure Them of Your Love

Children often internalize feelings of guilt or responsibility for their parents' divorce. They may feel confusion about why love changed between their parents and if this could happen to the love felt towards them. Reassure them that your love for them is unconditional and doesn’t change, and is different than romantic love. Emphasize that the divorce is a decision between adults and has nothing to do with the love you have for your children. Regularly express your affection and reinforce the idea that both parents will continue to play important roles in their lives.

3. Present as a United Front

Even though you may be living separately or feel animosity toward the other parent, it's crucial to present a united front when it comes to parenting decisions. Consistency and collaboration between parents help provide stability and reassurance for children. Discuss important matters such as discipline, education, and routines to ensure that both parents are on the same page.

Avoid involving children in disagreements or using them as messengers between parents. This can supply unnecessary stress for your child. They love both of their parents, and do not want to choose sides. Presenting a united front sends a powerful message that, despite the changes, the family is still a team that prioritizes caring for them.

4. Allow Space for Their Emotions

Children may experience a range of emotions during a divorce, including sadness, anger, confusion, and even relief. You have likely had more time to process emotions, but this is brand new information for them. Create a safe space for them to express these emotions without judgment. Encourage them to talk about their feelings in whatever outlet best suites them.

Validate their emotions and let them know that it's okay to feel a mix of emotions. Reassure them that their feelings are valid and that you are there to support them through the process. Remember this is a huge loss in your child’s life, and one they will need to grieve.

5. Explain Expected Changes

Children thrive on routine and predictability, so it's essential to explain the changes they can expect. Discuss practical matters such as moving homes, changes in school routines, and the new custody schedule. Provide a visual schedule or calendar to help them understand when they will be with each parent. Although it may seem like a good idea to get your child’s input in the new parenting schedule, this can add additional stress and pressure.

Be honest about the changes while emphasizing that both parents remain committed to their well-being. Highlight the positive aspects of the new arrangements, such as having special times with each parent, getting to decorate a new room, and creating new traditions.

6. Do Not Place Blame on Another Parent

Avoid placing blame or speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the children. Negative comments about the other parent can create confusion and increase feelings of loyalty conflicts. Remember the rule, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.  Instead, focus on the positive aspects of the relationship your children have with each parent. Encourage a healthy and supportive relationship between the children and both parents.

This is a difficult conversation to have, with no perfect way to do it. Give yourself the time to process your own thoughts about how you want to approach it and the compassion knowing that parenting is hard, especially during times like this. Divorce does not have to be a traumatic experience for children. There will be bumps along the way, and keeping your child’s well-being at the forefront will help them get through this challenging time. If you need more guidance throughout this process, reach out to a therapist for divorce therapy, or your child’s therapist. They can provide tools and support to get your family through this time.