The Anti-Dating Blog

WRITTEN BY Kathleen Cogan, M.A., LPC

Introduction- who I am, what I am doing here 

I’m 40, single, and a couples therapist.  And I date as much or as little as I want.  I’m sometimes in committed relationships or exclusively dating one person. Whatever it is, I’m out there doing it with you too. I’m on the apps (although, in recent years, I’ve dramatically scaled back on my use). I get ghosted (although I hate that term because it masks the cruelty behind it). I go on bad dates, meh dates, and every so often, I go on thrilling dates. And for me, that’s what I am here for, matching and meeting with men that turn me on in all ways. But that’s me, not you, you could be looking for or needing something different. And that’s why we are here today to talk about you, not me. 

Here is what I want my clients and others to know about the dating experience that even those in psychology get wrong. 

First, it’s important to share I am an emotion-focused therapist. I’m less concerned about my clients’ thoughts but, instead, focus more on their experiences- their emotions. We feel our emotions in our bodies, not our heads. When we become disconnected from our bodies, we lose our sense of emotions. The problem? Our core emotions are always our best guide. And being in touch with our felt sense of experiences and others is, in my opinion, the best way to be authentic. That no matter the outcome of your dating experience, you can feel like you have honored yourself. However, honoring ourselves, being authentic in the dating process, and making decisions based on our felt sense of the situation, can be tough. Lots of things can get in the way. For now, I want to focus on how even dating advice can get in the way. 

I read a lot of dating blogs and, for the most part, find almost all of them unhelpful and pathologizing. I also find the way counseling psychologically has historically framed partnering as pathologizing to the individual who is, well, still single. The only thing being single tells the world is just that you are unpartnered. Period.  

Here’s what I mean by pathologizing. 

Most dating advice tells you what to do (who really wants to read another dos and don’ts of dating?) or how to respond to a certain situation. I recently read one where the author kept telling her audience to “chill” because it’s just a date. As a counselor, I can firmly say that whenever anyone is feeling anxious or upset, they have never been soothed or made to feel less anxious by someone telling them to chill. If it worked, I wouldn’t have a job.

Here’s the other thing that annoys me about these kinds of blogs- the author assumes she/he/they knows my experience, my intentions, my desires, and my needs.  

Here’s what my blog aims to do. 

No matter what trauma, “insecurities” (more about that work later, it’s safe to assume anything in parenthesis I take issue with), or things you bring to the table, you always deserve someone honest, authentic, open, and communicative. If someone is not these things- that’s not on you. (My only caveat is if you are abusive, in this case, the receiver of said abuse doesn’t owe you shit.) 

Here’s the other thing,  I don’t want to chill out. In fact, I’m looking for the spark, the passion, that magic that we can’t quite quantify in psychology (although we certainly try). 

I want to be turned on physically, sexually, emotionally and intellectually by a date. And I want him to be authentic, open, and expressive. That combo is rare. (Please insert your combo here.) 

We need to start talking about dating and partnering for the long term in this term,  rare. That despite the allure of online and app dating, we just aren’t going to feel that level of attraction with most people. Read: You are going to swipe left on most people, and that’s ok. Stop rationalizing or intellectualizing why you do it. Because as soon as you start rationalizing and intellectualizing, you are back in your head and out of touch with your body, your felt sense.

Here are my rules:

1. Throw the rules out

2. Get out of your head and into your body. All of it. 

3. Create your own rules that work for you. Rules that feel good and authentic. 

Because dating is a process. Fuck getting to the destination. Honestly, that doesn’t seem to be helping any of us.  We have to stop pretending we are all driving to the same destination or hell, even what the same things out of relationships. Because we don’t. 

Conclusion

What’s right for me isn’t going to be necessarily right for you. The launch of this blog is to share my process. My hope is that by being transparent about my process, I’ll inspire you to create a process that works for you; that regardless of the outcome, you feel good about how you date, how you show up in relationships and that, ultimately, at the end of your life, when you reflect, you can smile, long term partner or not, kids or no kids, divorce or married for decades, a feel a deep sense of unconditional positive regard for yourself and the process of love. 

Sending any dating questions about your process to kathleencogan@heightsfamilycounseling.com  

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