The Components of a Genuine Apology
Written by Helena Lorenz, M.S.W, LMSW
Licensed Master Social Worker
Even if you haven’t seen the classic 1970s romance flick Love Story, the odds are pretty good that you’ve heard it’s most famous line: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”
Now, I am not here to question this screenwriter’s professional skills, as they obviously know how to craft an indelible quote. However, I am here to seriously question the health and longevity of the relationships this screenwriter has had in their lifetime. Because in my experience, and the experiences of practically everyone I know, loving someone means apologizing to them on a regular basis.
The more intimate we are with others, the more time and the more vulnerability we share. With greater feelings shared, there is a greater likelihood of those feelings being hurt, and we find ourselves having to say sorry for all sorts of things.
Sometimes our mistakes are minute and easy to digest. We forget to call them when we promised we would check in. We accidentally turn on the dishwasher when they’re in the middle of their shower. We forget they just became vegetarian, and we bring chicken wings to the party, etc.… Other times, our mistakes are weightier, more significant the health of the relationship. We say something cruel in the heat of an argument. We forget their birthday. We break our promises of fidelity. All of these things, from the little to the large, are the result of being fallibly human, and all of these things mean having to apologize to the person we hurt.
Now, just because we do something frequently, doesn’t necessarily mean we do it effectively. Sometimes (oftentimes) apologies fall short, and we find the situation can worsen with the lack of coherent communication. I’m sure we’ve all heard the tried-and-true duds of “I’m sorry you felt that way” or “I’m sorry you were offended”. Those kinds of platitudes generally miss the boat entirely because they put the emphasis for healing on the victim and not the perpetrator of the hurt.
In the spirit of better future communication in all relationships, below are a few components of a thorough apology. Of course, there is no such thing as a perfect apology, but these pieces can at least help you convey a sense of thoughtfulness and genuineness that can go a long way in re-strengthening ties. As an added bonus, they are relatively easy to remember and employ!
1. Acknowledge the hurt caused. The first step in this situation is to make sure the other person knows you recognize that they are in genuine pain. Something along the lines of, “I know what happened was really hurtful” or “You’re right, that must have felt really horrible”.
2. Take personal responsibility. It is vital that you don’t pass the buck or make excuses here. Yes, there are always extenuating circumstances, and you likely didn’t mean to intentionally hurt the person, but now is not the time to dive into that. Acknowledge that you know you did wrong.
3. Display understanding of why the hurt was important/impactful to the other person. Convey a sense of empathy and comprehension about the context of the hurt. Share that you would probably be hurt too if the situation were reversed.
4. Discuss how you will do things differently moving forward to avoid this hurt in the future. Let them know how you plan to act/react differently should a similar scenario arise again. This will give them peace of mind that you are thoughtful about your actions and that you don’t want to perpetuate this hurt in any form moving forward.
Contact our clinic to set up a free phone consultation for adult therapy in Houston or San Antonio.