There’s No Crying in Baseball! But, Should There Be?

Strength has often been the core tenet of American masculinity. If you want to be a real man, you must be strong (or so we have been taught). Somehow, emotions have been associated as examples of weakness rather than strength in our culture. “Real men” can only show anger, muted happiness (because too much is gay), and maybe a couple of tears when their mother dies. Otherwise, men are expected to be stoic, collected, stable, and logical. This norm for masculinity has developed over thousands of years, generation after generation, sharing their own versions of shame with the younger generation. From “man up and fight” to “there’s no crying in baseball,” these narratives train our young boys that their vulnerable emotions are bad—something to hide and keep secret.

 

The problem with how men have been trained by elder generations is that men still have just as many emotions as women do. So, what happens to all those emotions that aren’t allowed to be expressed? They get stuffed, bottled up, and repressed. Over years of repressing emotion after emotion, men shut down their emotion centers in their brains, leading to underdevelopment of their emotional intelligence and often a severe lack of understanding of their own emotions. The truth is not that men are less emotional than women, but rather are much more repressed and emotionally stunted by how they were raised than women.

 

Connecting to and expressing vulnerable emotions, like sadness and fear, feels weak and scary—welcome to vulnerability. But connecting to anger can make us feel powerful and strong. This is why men have used anger for generations as a motivator in war, ambition, and self-protection. However, anger is not good for connection, healing, or developing deeper relationships. Anger builds up walls and tears down bridges as a way to protect, while sadness creates healing by tearing down walls and building bridges. This is why so many men feel so lonely and isolated—they don’t have sufficient intimate relationships with family, friends, and partners.

 

Why do we even care about emotions? Emotions are our brains’ warning sensors that alert us to things that are wrong and help us improve our lives in various ways. Fear protects us from physical and emotional danger. Disgust protects us from people and things that are not healthy for us or do not align with our values. Sadness shows us what we have had in the past that we wish we still had. Anger gives us strength and motivation to fight to protect ourselves, others, and values that are important to us. Happiness, on the other hand, tells us when we can stop fighting for change and improvement and finally relax and turn off, feeling peace and contentment. If you stifle your emotions to the point where you do not listen to them, it is similar to not paying attention to the warning lights in your car. You can ignore that low fuel gauge as long as you want, but eventually, you will be stuck on the side of the road. You can ignore that check engine light, but eventually, your engine may seize and you have a very expensive repair on your hands. Yet, if you had just listened to those alerts immediately, you could have easily resolved the issue and moved on with your day. Emotions work similarly. By listening to your emotions and making an action plan to resolve those emotions, or change expectations and accepting reality, if you cannot improve your situation, you will live a much more successful and happier life.

If you are struggling with feeling like you have many emotions or being able to understand how you feel outside of anger or happiness, you probably are experiencing emotional repression.  So, what do you do about it? Try following these steps to slowly build your connection to your emotional self and increase your emotional intelligence:

1.     Record your emotions daily

2.     Use an emotion wheel (see below) to help label emotions you are feeling

3.     Practice sharing your emotions with others

4.     Anytime you feel anger, force yourself to find what vulnerable emotions the anger is protecting: sadness, fear, etc.

5.     Work with a therapist to process your emotions and improve emotional intelligence

 
 

If you’re interested in learning about how adult therapy with us can help you process your emotions, please contact us.

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