Eye Gazing for Couples: An Exercise to Try at Home

Written by Katie Mitchell, M.A. Certified Sex Therapist

Professional Therapist and Relationship Specialist

Although there are a multitude of ways to cultivate connection and intimacy within a relationship, some a more easily thought of than others.  For example, most people understand that increasing empathetic and supportive communication can have a positive effect on emotional intimacy.  However, there are some valuable connecting exercises that receive far less attention.  One of these underrated activities is eye gazing.  If you are one of those people who just rolled their eyes at that last sentence bear with me as I explain how this exercise works and its benefits!

Intimacy is a mutually consensual relationship where individuals reciprocate feelings of trust and emotional/physical closeness toward each other, essentially fostering and cultivating a space of vulnerability for one another.  While intimacy can be cultivated intuitively or sometimes accidentally, sustained intimacy benefits from intentionality.  Eye gazing or eye contact challenges is one intentional way to revitalize or foster intimacy within a relationship.  In 1989, Kellerman, Lewis, and Laird explored how romantic love was affected by mutual eye contact.  The study asked participants to gaze at their research partner's hands, eyes, or count the amount of eye blinks for two minutes and complete questionnaires regarding their feelings about their assigned partner.  The results indicated that study partners who starred at each other’s eyes reported a stronger emotional connection, specifically affection and passion, than other groups. 

Intentionally creating eye contact can feel overwhelming, especially at first.  Other initial reactions might be a feeling of awkwardness or a general sense of being overwhelmed.  Individuals can also be surprised by the tears that might arise during this activity or the vulnerability that is cultivated during an eye gazing exercise.  When first introducing this experience to your relationship, try to remain patient and willing to be vulnerable with one another.

Eye Contact Challenge (pulled from this website) 

·      Sit down in place where you can comfortably, face your partner.

·      Set a timer for the amount of time that the two of you would like to complete this practice.  Ten minutes is a great place to start; however, if this feels too long, begin with a smaller amount of time, such as 5 minutes.  If you do start with less than 10 minutes, be intentional about increasing the time with each eye gaze experience.  Keep in mind, the longer you and your partner are able to hold this exercise, the more powerful the experience will be.

·      Gaze into the eyes of your partner.  You are welcome to blink at any point – this is not a staring contest!

·      If you get distracted that is okay, simply bring back your awareness to the eyes of your partner.

·      After the experience is over, grab a piece of paper to draw or write about how you both are feeling.  Talk about the experience with your partner.

·      Carve out time to eye gaze with your partner weekly.

If you and your partner are unable to complete an entire Eye Gazing exercise, try to be conscious of implementing even these small changes at some point in the day:

·      Putting away or turning off screens for meal times.

·      Turning to look at someone when they speak.

·      Letting your kids know that you and your partner are having some adult time and would like for them to respect that experience. 

·      Conversing with one another face-to-face, not talking to each other from different rooms. 

·      Turning toward your partner’s bids for intimacy.

Reach out to our office today, if you and your partner struggle to create intentional moments of intimacy, like eye gazing.  We have several sex and relationship therapists, who would love to help the you all cultivate more intimacy within your relationship through couples counseling. 

Kellerman, J., Lewis, J., & Laird, J. D. (1989). Looking and loving: The effect of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love. Journal of Research in Personality, 23, 145-161.