Predictors of Relationship Success

WRITTEN BY AMY ROLLO, M.A., LPA, LSSP, LPC-S

FOUNDER OF HEIGHTS FAMILY COUNSELING

I recently wrote about the predictors of divorce. As negative as the topic probably felt, it was very necessary. If we don’t know what to work on, counseling wouldn’t be very effective at strengthening the relationship.

 I’ve seen a wide range of couples in my career, and typically can spot the ones that are referred to as the “Masters in a Relationship” (compared to the “Disasters of Relationships”: a term coined by Dr. John Gottman). There are several areas that can lead to becoming a Master of a Relationship. While there are hundreds of things that can help with a relationship, we are going to focus on 5.  

1.    Happy couples present issues as joint problems that are specific to one situation. While unhappy couples, present issues as if they were symptoms of global defects in their partner’s personality. This is huge. Almost all marriage experts agree that it’s not the absence of conflict that make a couple a Master in a Relationship, but instead how a couple experiences conflict. Conflict is a time that can connect couples and allow for empathy and mutual understanding.

2.    Happy couples tend to glorify their struggles. As stated above, all couples struggle at some point in their relationship. Additionally, all couples experience conflict. The Masters in Relationships tend to look back on their struggles fondly. These couples tend to use phrases such as “it was such a difficult time, but we overcame it together.”

3.    The Masters in Relationships tend to truly understand each other. We often refer to this phenomenon as Love Maps. This means you know your partner’s favorite song, best friend, who they don’t like at work, what is stressing them out, etc. You truly know who they are, and what their experiences are like. Many couples are great at knowing their partner’s love maps early on, but many couples start to drift apart after having kids and getting busy with work. Happy couples spend time every day connecting and sharing their experiences.

4.    Happy couples match up to the “magic ratio.” Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that couples who are in happy relationships tend to have 5 positive interactions to every negative one. The small things literally add up and make the marriage. Happy couples understand and know their partner’s love language and do things to show love, such as make their coffee in the morning, send a text checking in, hugging when they come home, picking up their favorite dessert, or setting up a date night. Happy couples are intentional in their interactions with their partner.

5.    Happy couples create shared meaning together. Happy couples tend to create rituals, weekly routines, and discuss goals together. They dream together about their next vacation, volunteering job, when to retire, or how to spend their weekends. They see their life as being shared with their partner and yearning to create a meaningful life with them.

The good news about the predictors of divorce or success, is that all of these areas can be worked on. Think of an area to work on and start being intentional in creating change. If all else fails, please know we have counselors that are trained in helping couples strengthen their relationship.

Heights Family Counseling offers couples therapy and divorce therapy. Contact us to schedule a free consultation.