Repeating that Awful Mixed Tape
Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S
Owner of Heights Family Counseling
I might ask, “Haven’t we already talked about this fight” after a couple repeatedly enters the same cycle of fighting during a couples therapy session with me. It’s the gentle reminder that maybe the content is different, but the way each are responding in the argument is the same. It is like repeating the same terrible mixed tape over and over! There is a name for this dialogue pattern that couples follow. Dr. Sue Johnson refers to these negative dialogues that couples enter as the demon dialogue. She notes that many couples follow this dysfunctional pattern that increases conflict when what they are really wanting is connection and attachment. Read below to see if you can identify your patterns.
Many people start with Find the Bad Guy dialogue. For instance, when your partner makes a comment, such as “Did you remember to take out the trash,” you might respond, “You said you were going to take it out!” This would be the start of going down the rabbit hole of whose fault it was, and why they are innocent. It’s a nasty pattern because literally everyone loses. Everyone is ready to attack, no one is really there for the other because it is all defense and attack mode.
The Protest Polka is a bit different from Find The Bad Guy. During this dialogue, there is a fear of rejection and abandonment, while at the same time needing connection and attachment. Usually, the more one partner withdraws, the more the other pursues in an argument and vise versa… and around and around we go. One person attacks for connection, and the other one withdraws. In the Protest Polka, each person, in an attempt to cope with the emotional distance of the other, unknowingly acts in each other’s worst fears. Unfortunately, many times the pursuing partner will discontinue their dysfunctional bid for attachment, and begin to emotionally move away from the relationship.
This leads to the Freeze and Flee dialogue. At this point, both partners have lost hope in their relationship. Maybe they have learned that reaching for the other leads to negative outcomes. As a therapist, this is the hardest for me to work on in the counseling room. Healing means that each partner will have to be vulnerable. They will have to open up, and there could be rejection waiting for them. However, vulnerability is the only way to heal from this dialogue.
When couples are in any of these dialogues, I often ask them first identify their pattern and name it. I ask them to come up with a code word or phrase. I used “that awful mixed tape” because that is exactly what it reminds me of. Those horrible songs from a time period you don’t enjoy that keep getting stuck on repeat. It’s often better to come up with a phrase together, so when you identify the cycle, it doesn’t place blame on one partner. The next step I would ask a couple to do is to utilize repair attempts. Repair attempts are simple. They are any attempts to help get out of a negative fighting cycle. I’ve seen couples do this with ease by changing the topic, announcing, “I love you”;” I don’t want to fight,” or even a simple “That came out wrong; can I try again.” Lastly, being able to identify triggers and emotions after an incident can help. Being able to process a fight without entering back into the fight can help teach a couple a new pattern of communication. Try a technique that marriage researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman created. When you talk about the “regrettable incident” talk about it in a way that removes you from the fight. Pretend you are on a balcony overlooking the conflict. Don’t get sucked back into the emotions. During this time, each take turns to talk about the emotions, triggers, and discuss solutions for future conflicts.
Who else is ready to stop playing that awful mixed tape?!? Contact us today to learn more about our couples counseling services.