A Letter for Someone with Social Anxiety
WRITTEN BY STEFF BRAND, M.S., NATIONALLY CERTIFIED COUNSELOR, LPC-INTERN
To whoever needs to read this,
Hopefully, by now, you have realized some of your strengths. You are a careful thinker. You have high standards that usually result in strong performance. Employers benefit from having someone like you on their team. They know they can count on your consistent work ethic and can trust you to get things done without needing to micromanage. People in your social corner can confide in you because they know your response will be deeply empathetic. Your altruistic attitude and consideration of others’ needs allow for the prosocial behavior that is needed in this world. Read that last line again.
When your inner critic tries to shout out everything that is wrong, try to remind yourself of the strengths that you DO have and use them to your advantage.
Here’s how…
Prevent Anticipatory Processing. Try not to assume the worst about the unknown. Some try to envision everything that could go wrong to be prepared with an appropriate reaction and solution. Damn, that sounds exhausting… Yes, you were uncomfortable at your husband’s last work social, but one poor interaction with a colleague does not mean you are destined to awkwardness and embarrassment in all future conversations. Set a threshold for your comfort level but keep trying. If you skip out on all future events, it is unlikely that you will reduce your anxiety. Give yourself opportunities to discredit the fear.
Be Aware of Post-Event Processing. This one is more commonly known as overthinking. Oftentimes, individuals that are socially anxious spend more time analyzing the negative parts of an event. You not only replay moments from the past in your brain, but you focus on the lowlights of the memory. You might have given a solid presentation in front of your boss and clients, but you are fixated on how sweaty your hands became and assume everyone noticed and judged you for it. When this happens, try journaling facts about the event and look for objective evidence that supports or debunks your theory about others judging you. Did anyone laugh and point at your sweaty hands or did they congratulate you on a job well done? Reviewing the facts can help you retrain your brain to remove the assumptions and mitigate the insecurities.
Deliver Feedback to Others in a Respectful Way. As a society, our communication skills need work. While not everyone is going to master this skill, the more you can start the revolution of a new norm, the better. When constructive feedback is needed, try delivering the message to others using “I” statements. Share your thoughts in private and be sure to comment on the behavior, not the person. “I feel distracted when you play music in the office because I need a quiet environment to focus” has a higher probability of being received than “you always play music so loud and are inconsiderate of others.” Model what you hope to receive.
Fight That Inner Critic. Do not become submissive to the negative voice in your head. Your inner critic is kind of like a coach that tells you what is right and wrong without tolerating much negotiation. It DOES want what is best for you and aims to protect you but often does so in an ineffective way. Challenge your inner critic and be kind to yourself when you make a mistake. Remember, a punitive coach and supportive coach often have the same goal in mind, but the supportive coach is more effective. Go easy on yourself so you can develop the confidence to do well in future situations.
Evaluate Your Reaction. If you are defending your dissertation in front of your department panel which will determine whether or not you finish your graduate program, it is understandable to sweat when you cannot find your flash drive containing the presentation. If you allow the same amount of fear when meeting a new friend for coffee, you are encouraging a socially anxious mindset. Check in with yourself when you feel anxious and compare your reaction to the severity problem. Sometimes this is difficult to do in the moment, so try writing down your experiences and re-evaluate when you are in a calm state of mind. Share your findings with your therapist, so he or she can hold you accountable in future situations.
Assess the Worst-Case Scenario. If you have been in session with me, it is likely that you have heard me ask “what is the worst that can happen?” I challenge my clients to specify this one and avoid assumptions. “Everyone will think I am dumb” is a generalization and difficult to manage, but “four people in my group will think I do not have a good suggestion for this presentation” is something we can use.
Process Your Fear. Once you have determined your worst-case scenario, compare the odds. How likely is it that no one in the group will appreciate your suggestion? Further, how problematic would that actually be? Even if your classmates feel another idea is better, what are the odds that they will shame your contribution? This process of de-catastrophizing can help prevent big consequences for small issues. It also reminds you that there are coping skills and solutions for nearly every concern.
Remove Ambiguity and Add Structure. There is an incredible amount of research attesting that increased structure benefits performance for socially anxious individuals. Try to give yourself structure even with the smallest social interactions. When your teacher allows a twenty-minute break in the lecture and you are forced to socialize with others, stop pretending like you have something critical to do on your phone. Give yourself a short agenda like introducing yourself to at least three people that you do not know in the class. This simple goal gives organization to an extremely unstructured gap in class time. It allows you to train your brain to believe that social interaction is a good thing and make the process a little less uncomfortable.
Avoid Self-Fulfilling Prophecies. Do not live in a stuck mentality. Try replacing “I will always be socially awkward” with “I said something pretty awkward in that conversation and will use this as a learning moment for my next date.” Your brain needs to discover that social interaction is not as bad as it thinks and the only way to learn is through successful repetition. You were anxious, but you still said hi. You were dreading the worst, but you still asked for a promotion. You did not have the perfect speech prepared, but you still initiated the hard conversation.
Reduce Dichotomous Thinking. All or nothing, perfectionist thinking often gets people in trouble. Social media contributes greatly to this one. “I have to get at least ten likes on my Instagram post, or my content is dumb.” When self-worth becomes contingent upon our performance, we immediately set up ourselves for failure. No one will always have strong performance. Define your perfectionism parameters, so you can challenge them.
Take Breaks from Social Media. Identity formation and self-esteem building are daunting enough, but having your friends, and sometimes strangers, observe and comment on your life 24/7 can make it extremely difficult to feel confident. Routine usage can train your brain to see the best in others but see the worst in yourself. No one posts about spilling laundry detergent all over the floor, but most people capture all the highlights of their annual vacation. Keep this in mind the next time you have to interact with people that appear to have it all.
Expose Fears and Challenge Safety Behaviors. Identify issues with perfectionism or insecurities around others; then look at the accommodations you are making to ensure comfort. I learned this technique from clinical psychologist, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, in her book How to Be Yourself. Because I am working hard to improve this skill, I will self-disclose an example.
My fears: sending an imperfect email, being unliked by strangers at social events, and not allocating enough time to complete a task.
My safety behaviors: having someone proofread EVERYTHING, inviting a friend I already know to social events, and clearing my whole day to tackle small projects.
How I increase structure to challenge my safety behaviors: enforce a rule to proofread emails only once, walk away from my friend at least three times at a social event, and prioritize projects that need extra attention rather than sacrificing quality time with loved ones to give 100% to every project.
Reframe, Reframe, Reframe. The amygdala is a structure in your brain that uses sensory information to determine an emotional reaction and make us aware of potential threats. Compare it to a dog that becomes startled and aggressively barks when neighborhood kids are walking one hundred feet away from the house. The pre-frontal cortex, on the other hand, is the part of your brain responsible for decision making and higher-level thinking. Think of it as the aforementioned dog’s owner. When the dog becomes startled and reacts to a non-aggressive threat, the owner helps them calm down and trains them that an emotional reaction is unnecessary. The dog can continue sleeping in peace by the door because the children are likely not going to be bothersome.
For an individual with social anxiety, the pre-frontal cortex’s response is slower and weaker. When this person is ghosted by a potential partner after a first date, they are more susceptible to thoughts like “they must not like me,” “I must be boring,” and “I should stop putting myself out there” than someone with a less anxious brain. Their prefrontal cortex does not have enough evidence to convince them that maybe the other person is just busy and actually had a really great time on their date. A cognitive behavioral therapist can help you repair this neural interaction. They will coach you through the process of reframing your thoughts, provide practical exercises to try in and out of session, and hold you accountable by checking in on your progress from week to week. Just like a commitment to working out strengthens your body, a commitment to thinking and acting differently strengthens your brain.
As someone that strives to keep anxiety out of the driver’s seat, but still tolerates it in the trunk, I have a strong desire to help others do the same. Anxiety is not something we can 100% treat and remove, but there are so many tools to help us prevent it from impairing everyday functioning and #liveourbestlife.
Sincerely,
Someone that can relate
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