How to Re-Write Your Story

WRITTEN BY STEFF BRAND, M.S., NATIONALLY CERTIFIED COUNSELOR, LPC-INTERN

Repeatedly in session, I get the question, “how do I stop thinking like this?”  The strength that is true for many of my clients is that they have self-awareness.  They know their thinking is unhealthy.  They know they are unhappy.  They know they are easily triggered.  They know they gravitate towards relationships and situations that reinforce their negative emotions… but they do not know how to stop repeating the same unwanted patterns.

So often, these patterns are created as a result from trauma.  Now before you start thinking, “I haven’t experienced anything traumatic,” recognize that trauma can manifest itself in nonconventional ways.  A traumatic experience is not just the death of a loved one, physical abuse, or a severe natural disaster.  It can also be a messy breakup, staying in a toxic relationship, or witnessing a fight between your parents.  The problem with this society is that we tend to mitigate our feelings around the latter events because they are “not as bad.”  When this happens, we normalize these negative experiences which makes it difficult to identify and manage triggers down the road.

Luckily for us, we live in a generation full of mental health professionals and resources that support trauma healing.  Faith Harper, PhD, is a licensed professional counselor and sort of my spirit animal when it comes to understanding and healing trauma, so I am going to share and explain some suggestions for re-training the brain post trauma using her influence. 

Step 1: Remember When You are Ready

The “when you are ready” part is so imperative.  Even if the receiver of your story is a licensed therapist, be sure to set boundaries around your comfort level.  If you are flooded and in distress when thinking about your trauma, then grounding work trumps all attempts for healing.  Grounding techniques help bring your brain and body back to the present moment instead of reliving memories.  Research tells us it is one of the best ways to manage emotional pain; living in the here and now reminds us that pain can remain in the past.  To become mentally grounded, you can resort to mantras and lists.  Try scanning the room and naming all the colors you see or noises you hear.  To become physically grounded, practice mindfulness.  Focus on your breathing and belly movement.  How many deep breaths are you able to take in a minute?  Touch objects around you.  How does the ground feel beneath your feet?

Once you feel emotionally ready, begin to assess your comfort level with your therapist.  You need to feel safe with your listener or you put yourself at risk for additional harm.  Interview your therapist and build rapport before spilling your heart out.  You do not need to justify your delay in vulnerability or reasons for choosing someone else to listen to your story.  Maybe you lacked control of a situation in the past, but you have ALL the control over this. 

Step 2: Write it Down

We have become so used to typing and finding the most expeditious way to complete a task these days, but when it comes to reflecting and processing, there is a therapeutic element to pulling out your favorite pen and putting it to paper.  Unstructured writing can be a way to surface information and emotions that you did not know existed.  Free journaling allows you to share the buildup you have been suppressing for some time.  I often take a narrative approach with my clients that are tiptoeing around trauma or unresolved memories.  Sometimes this is in the form of completing exercises in a workbook; other times, it is writing letters to key players in their story.  Writing (and not sending) a letter to someone that hurt you or someone that does not understand your pain can be a great starting point in your own process.  Writing a letter to your future self allows you to goal set and feel more optimistic about the next chapter in your story.

Step 3: Talk About It

 

Share the good memories, the trauma, and anything that has significantly impacted your life.  Our storytelling brains often re-write our narratives over time, but what you share does not have to be the literal truth.  Your memories are the pain you experience on a daily basis, the justification for your decision making, and the reason you are triggered by events that do not affect others.  A licensed therapist is trained to meet you where you are and see the world from your point of view without judgement or correction.  In session, the facts are less important, and your takeaways are everything.  Understanding the story that affects your wiring over time is a prerequisite to creating a new one. 

For you fortunate souls with a strong support system, before you think therapy is unnecessary, remember that trauma is complicated and messy.  Your friends and family might not have the capacity to hear it, and that’s okay.  Keep in mind that members of your inner circle might be going through their own trauma and your experiences could unintentionally trigger their emotional hardship.  Sometimes clients will share their story in session first and then later invite their loved ones to join the safe space with a trained clinician.

Step 4: Reframe Your Story

When we experience a strong emotional response, our brains create a story to back up that response.  One of the best ways to challenge your story, is to think about your conceptualization of the event.  Processing your story with a non-biased listener allows you to review it with new perspective.  It is a way to figure out the parts that do not make sense, and sometimes, discover new information that was too difficult to face alone.  To be very clear, processing your story does not mitigate the severity of your trauma, but it can allow you to create meaning and let go of the parts that feel heavy. 

Here are some Dr. Faith Harper’s prompts for challenging and reframing your trauma:

1.  Think about the story you tell yourself and others.  What aspects might be missing?  What else needs to be included?

2.  How is this a story of your survival?

3.  Who are the good guys?  Who are the caretakers and the helpers?  What did they do and how did they do it?

4.  What about the things you did that you aren’t proud of?  In what ways were they the best decision you were able to make for yourself at the time?  What did you learn from them that you can use moving forward?

Step 5: Create Meaning

Think less “this must have happened for a reason” and more “this happened, and I learned new coping skills as a result.”  Sometimes terrible things happen for no reason at all, but they teach us resilience and strength.  Experiencing and creating meaning through hardship can make it easier to relate to others’ stories; it allows us to extend empathy and understanding while helping those around us.  What have you learned about survival?  What helped you terminate the need for dwelling and promote the desire for healing?  Develop self-awareness and share the secrets for success.   

Step 6: Build New Relationships with Safe Boundaries 

First of all, no one WANTS to be in an unhealthy situation, but sometimes it can be difficult to identify toxicity when you are enmeshed in a relationship.  If you are unable to control your story, you will continuously replay the trauma.  Debunking a core belief linked with trauma is some of the hardest work you will do in life.  So, it makes complete sense when you continue to interact with or date the same type of people throughout different chapters of your life.  They may reinforce your negative, harmful beliefs but you have normalized this chaos, so it does not feel “that bad.”  Once you take control of your story, you will likely be amazed (and or disgusted) at the amount of crap you have been tolerating over the years.  You will be able to identify unhealthy relationships and communicate clear boundaries to any unwanted characters.  People in your inner circle might not respect this change and you might need to let people out of your life.  If your boundaries have been violated in the past, this process might be easier said than done.

Reflect on your needs; be honest and unapologetic.  Here are a few suggested questions from Dr. Faith that can help with this process:

1.  Is this a person who challenges me to be my best self or are they here because I prefer them to being alone?

2.  Is being alone the same thing as being lonely?  If not, how do I tell the difference and how do I manage them as different situations?

3.  Am I communicating my boundaries effectively or am I assuming other people know what I want?

4.  What are my boundaries?  What are the deal breakers?  What are possibly negotiable?  What is not an issue?

5.  Have these boundaries changed over time?  Do I see them maybe changing in the future? 

These steps and questions are just intended to be a start to introspection.  Once you decide how a true happy ending (and happy life) should look, you can start to re-write your story.  Scratch out the parts you avoid processing because they have been too difficult to face.  Exile that ex that did not see your emotional needs and wellbeing as a priority.  Stop justifying that family member’s actions because ignoring the issue is more comfortable than addressing conflict.  Create a new you that says “no” to your boss’ 8PM request so you can read one more book to your son.   Forgive your parents imperfections and model the life you dream about. 

Sounds like a totally different book, right?  What should you call it? 

If you are struggling to break negative patterns in your life, trauma therapy can help. Contact us today to learn more.