Covid Tension? It Might be Time for Couples Counseling
Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S
Doctoral Candidate, Marriage and Family Therapy
Owner, Heights Family Counseling
Many couples become gridlocked on issues. This means they have the same perpetual fight and cannot reach a conclusion or compromise. This is how many couples find themselves on my couch… Well, I guess on my computer screen these days. Many couples are now becoming gridlocked on issues surrounding the pandemic. I find these fights carry even more tension, as what one partner does can impact the other, as well as the entire family. In addition, the defense mechanisms we tend to use to help cope with these circumstances can lead to even more escalation in fights.
An area that many couples are fighting about right now is how much exposure to other individuals does each person feel is right for them. For instance, one partner might feel like social distancing completely, while the other partner wants to take more calculated risks. Maybe they want to see family or friends and feel like they become depressed in complete isolation. While their partner is terrified of exposing others to the virus and wants to social distance during the pandemic. The gridlocked issue becomes even more heightened because the other partner is now impacting the health of the other, as well as the potential to expose others. And in reverse, the more conservative partner might be impacting the other partner’s social and emotional wellbeing. Each person feels like their life is being negatively impacted by the other person’s wishes. This gridlock issue carries an extreme amount of weight, and a couple might find it difficult to find a compromise in it.
Another issue arising lately for couples during the pandemic is couples fighting over parenting decisions for their children. This is because there is a phenomenon happening in these decisions. We are in a double bind. This means there is no clear right answer, each answer has a negative impact. For instance, a double bind of no clear answer is sending our children back to school. We send our children back to school and their mental health, social health, and academics might be benefitted from the decision; however, there is a greater risk of exposure to the virus. There is a negative or risk in both directions. This phenomenon is one of the most stressful experiences for our brain to navigate- put quite simply, we want answers and solutions. Because of this, we tend to utilize black and white thinking as a way to rest our brains. We use confirmation bias to only look at the evidence that supports the answer we chose, and ignore the evidence that suggests the opposite. By doing so, we feel like we are out of the double bind- we found our clear answer and our brain can rest. However, in reality, there the pandemic is offering no clear and right answers, but merely difficult decisions that individuals have to make to fit their needs. This pattern can be especially detrimental for couples. By using black and white thinking and confirmation bias, you are not allowing validation and empathizing to take place in the conversation. Instead each partner is arguing their case and neither feel heard. Suddenly the gridlock issues and decision making seems much more tense.
These are just a few of the common experiences that are impacting couples during the Covid_19 pandemic. It might sound like all hope is lost, and we are just doomed to have big blow out fights with no winner. However, counseling stops all the dysfunctional communication patterns. We use research based interventions to slow down the fighting, soften the message and allow for both partners to feel heard and understood. It’s okay if you notice that you are having more fights or the fights are escalating during the pandemic. This is perfectly normal. It’s also perfectly normal to go to counseling to help give you tools and guidance to navigate these extraordinary times. To learn more about our couples therapy services or to book a session, contact us today.
Amy Rollo is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and owner at Heights Family Counseling. Additionally, she is able to practice psychology independently in the state of Texas as a Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status and is Licensed as a Specialist in School Psychology. Amy holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is in the process of completing a doctorate degree, studying at Texas A&M University Commerce and Northcentral University, specializing in child and adolescent counseling and marriage and family therapy, respectively. In addition, Amy has additional training in IMAGO Relationship Therapy, doctoral training in sex therapy, and has completed the entire 3 levels of Gottman Couples Therapy, as well as the additional training intensive of Gottman Treating Affairs and Trauma. Amy holds three licenses in the state of Texas: Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status, and Licensed Specialist in School Psychology, as well as doctoral candidate in Marriage and Family Therapy- PhD(c).