Why You Need to Prioritize Your Marriage After Baby

Written by Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC-S

Doctoral Candidate, Marriage and Family Therapy

Owner, Heights Family Counseling

 “K-i-s-s-i-n-g!  First comes love.
Then comes marriage.
Then comes baby in the baby carriage…”

The steps seem so easy in this all too familiar playground song. We were taught at a young age that after you fall in love, you get married, then you have children… And then everyone lives happily ever after. We now know that relationships and love can come in many different forms and don’t always follow this simple childhood song; however, many still continue to believe in the fairytale of what we think life will look like after having a baby. For many, they believe their relationship will grow stronger, they will feel more in love, and live blissfully ever after when starting a family. Sadly, according to Dr. John Gottman’s research, nearly 70 percent of couples report that their marital satisfaction dips after having a child. This is why it is so important to understand how to nurture yourself and your relationship before and after having children.

There are numerous reason why having a baby can impact a relationship. Expanding the family literally changes everything in a coupe’s life, including a mom’s mental and emotional health. For instance, around 70-80 percent of women will at minimum experience “baby blues” (a time of sadness and shifts of moods) after giving birth. Up to 20 percent, later experience postpartum depression. This experience can be extremely difficult for new moms, who are also trying to navigate the exhausting demands of motherhood. It can lead to both partners feeling confused, unsupported, uncared for, and/or exhausted. Often, new moms need more support than ever, but new dads/partners don’t understand the mood swings or why their spouse is withdrawing. This confusion can lead to new dads/partners to also begin to withdraw from the relationship, unsure of their role or what is needed from them. This can lead to resentment from both, and both partners wondering what happened to their relationship. The best thing to do is to address all of this before the baby comes. My best advice for expecting couples is to start couples counseling before the baby arrives, similarly to starting premarital counseling before getting married. During this time, the counseling will address signs of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety, action plans, and allow for understanding of what life after a baby will look like. If you have already had a child, the next best thing to do is start counseling and begin reading the literature. I recommend Becoming Us: 8 Steps to Grow a Family that Thrives by Elly Taylor and And Baby Makes Three by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Our counselor Kristin Tallackson is trained in the Becoming Us curriculum and the majority of the Heights Family Counseling's staff is trained in Gottman Couples Therapy.

Rituals of connection are one of the best investments for the relationship for new parents. The Gottmans’ research has shown that rituals of connection can help create a more meaningful and long lasting relationship. New rituals can include bathing the baby together, morning feedings together, or reading bedtime stories together. These are times that the family intentionally spends together in order to feel connected. Rituals of connection can extend outside of time taking care of the baby and include a 6 second kiss when a partner leaves for work, evening tea, or checking in on each other at the end of the day.

Couples should also continue to be playful in order to stay connected. This means to have activities designed just for fun. This can include anything. Some ideas can include a weekly date night, exploring museums in the city, bowling, a painting class, playing golf together, etc. Make sure to make some quality fun time with your partner! If a family member or babysitter isn’t available, create a game night after the baby goes to sleep; be creative!

As challenging as it is to bring home a baby, it’s so important to put in the work to support the marriage. Having a healthy relationship will help ease the stress of entering parenthood. It is okay to put the oxygen mask on first for yourself and relationship. You are modeling what a healthy relationship looks like for your children. This can be one of the best gifts you give your children. We encourage you to learn more about our couples counseling services, or contact us for a free consultation. We want to help you create your Happily Ever After.

Amy is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor and owner at Heights Family Counseling. Additionally, she is able to practice psychology independently in the state of Texas as a Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status and is Licensed as a Specialist in School Psychology. Amy holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Texas A&M University and a Master’s degree in Clinical and Counseling Psychology from Southern Methodist University. She is in the process of completing a doctorate degree, studying at Texas A&M University Commerce and Northcentral University, specializing in child and adolescent counseling and marriage and family therapy, respectively. In addition, Amy has additional training in IMAGO Relationship Therapy, doctoral training in sex therapy, and has completed the entire 3 levels of Gottman Couples Therapy, as well as the additional training intensive of Gottman Treating Affairs and Trauma. Amy holds three licenses in the state of Texas: Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor, Licensed Psychological Associate with Independent Status, and Licensed Specialist in School Psychology, as well as doctoral candidate in Marriage and Family Therapy- PhD(c).