Addressing Insecurities in Relationships

 Written by Ashley Taylor, M.S.W, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Insecurities. We all have them. Insecurity simply means the feeling of uncertainty. These feelings of uncertainty can manifest themselves in the physical form as well as emotional uncertainty. It is easy to fall into the trap of individualizing our insecurities. I call it a trap because even though we might feel alone in our battles against the things we are insecure about, the truth is that many people carry the same or similar weight. And that is not to say that our insecurities are unworthy of our attention, but this just means that while we feel alone in carrying these feelings, they are a lot more common than we realize. Just like the person that we show up as is shaped by our experiences, so are the things we feel insecure about. We have all had situations that have made us question the legitimacy of someone's feelings towards us, or looked in the mirror and thought to ourselves that there is no way that someone could accept this aspect of me.

I remember having a discussion with my dad, telling him about how people used to make fun of my eyebrows growing up. He was perplexed by the idea that people would even take the time to comment on something as silly as the hair on my face. But the reality of that situation is that insecurity about my eyebrows has stuck with me until this very day. I have gotten a lot better at managing it these days, but there are still times where I struggle. I have learned to navigate these insecure feelings by reminding myself that just because I notice something on my body, does not mean other people do. I mention this story because it really spoke to me in the sense that the idea of having an insecurity, and how something that causes feelings of uncertainty within you, will not always make sense to someone else. My dad was not at school with me experiencing the hateful comments I was on the receiving end of, so to him, the whole idea might seem trivial. But to me, it’s very real. Insecurities in relationships are the same way. 

I think that the term insecure can have negative connotations. When viewed through a dichotomous lens, the other end of the spectrum would be secure and ultimately we all desire secure feelings, whether it be about our significant other or within ourselves. Since secure is the desirable end of the spectrum then insecure must be bad, and secure is good.

If we break it down further, what about insecurity makes it bad? For me, this brings to mind the negative ways in which insecurities can manifest themselves. This can show up in controlling behaviors, perfectionism, social anxiety or negative self-talk, just to name a few. When we view insecurities as the behaviors that they bring out of us, that can lead to guilt. We don’t want to show up this way and here we are holding a past trauma or feelings of rejection against our partners, most of the time who have nothing to do with it. 

Just like my dad was not on the receiving end of the hateful comments I got about my appearance, our partners do not experience the things that have caused us to have insecurities. That does not mean that they cannot make an attempt to understand them, but there’s really no way for them to know what it feels like, not having experienced it first hand. Unfortunately though, our partners are on the receiving end of the emotions that we experience around our feelings of uncertainty, and this is where things can get tough. Our partner jumps into the mindset of “But I am not the one who did that to you”. Because even though they did not do it themselves, the trauma that did happen to you lives on within you. In a sense, our brains and bodies make attempts at preparing us for it to happen again, and making attempts to avoid those painful feelings. 

An open dialogue is important in spotting these insecurities that we carry and addressing them in order to build a stronger relationship with our partners. If we don’t disclose to our partners our areas of vulnerability, they are left to create their own narrative. Not only about why you’re responding the way you are but also the way you feel about them, and your relationship. This is not to say that this open dialogue justifies taking your insecurities out on your partner, but it provides a foundation for your partner understanding who you are as an individual and what experiences you had that shaped your train of thought. With greater understanding comes growth. Insecurities aren’t something you necessarily grow out of, but they are something that we learn to navigate so that they don’t continue to have a negative impact on our relationships.

Our insecurities are particular to us. But we cannot let these insecurities get in the way of finding something that truly can and does make us happy. While we all have insecure parts of ourselves, we are also deserving of love in its purest form. If you feel like something your partner does or says brings out these uncertain parts of you, let them know what you’re dealing with and how you can collaborate to combat them together. While your battles are individual, in a partnership, it takes two to move forward. We aren’t flawed because of the insecurities we face, we are just learning to navigate them in a way that does not keep us from the happiness that we deserve. 

At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person adult therapy in Houston and San Antonio. Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation