Self-Care: How Can You Pour From an Empty Cup?

 Written by Ashley Taylor, M.S.W, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

Self-care. Had a hard week at work? I’m going to have a glass of wine. Self-care. Long day, and overly exhausted? I’m going to take a bath. Self-care. Feeling overwhelmed and just need to check out for a little while? I’m going to sit outside and read today. Self-care. 

The term is so frequently used in today’s society. It has become the blanket term for many behaviors, some healthy and others just justifications for unhealthy behaviors.

The definition of the term also varies greatly. But one thing is for sure: we know we all need it! No matter what definition you have come to adopt, the word itself tells a lot. We must care for ourselves! This can take the form of physical health and making sure that we make regular doctors appointments as well as getting adequate exercise. This can take the form of mental/emotional health and making sure we check in with how we are feeling so we can give our bodies what they’re asking for and possibly taking that break that our body might need. This can also take the form of getting tasks done in your life that require your attention, like renewing your car's registration or getting your car washed. Whether it’s reading a book, taking a bath, or attending a doctor's appointment, self-care manifests itself in many ways.

But let’s take a pause, because although this all sounds nice, it is definitely easier said than done like most things in life.

Think of yourself as a glass of water. Every interaction that we experience in a day, we pour some of the water out of our cup and give it to the tasks or people (other cups) that require our attention. The pouring of our water into another glass is not necessarily a bad thing. We must give parts of ourselves to the things that we do in order to be productive whether that’s at work, being a parent, or being a partner. All of these things require the output of effort, and using this analogy, the pouring of water. 

Basic interactions that we experience in a day might be taking water out of our cups, but this may look something like a drop, or many drops. These activities can be things like taking the kids to school before heading to work, attending scheduled work meetings, coming home and cooking dinner, and helping the kids with homework. These are all just examples and truthfully look different for every individual, but it’s important to break down how water is removed from our cup.

While giving examples of removing a few drops from our cups, there are also many ways where we can intentionally or unintentionally pour larger amounts of water into the cups of others. This can be positive or negative in nature. By this, I mean that sometimes, maybe we have to hold more weight around the house as our partner is going through some things, or maybe our child had a long day and just needed that extra energy from us as a parent that was well deserved, and that pour was just what they needed to make it through their day. To me, these are more like sacrifices. I would place these “pours” as positive, because although sometimes emotionally taxing, these are sometimes the sacrifices we make for the ones we love or in the name of the work that we do because let’s be real: everything is not always going to be well balanced and that’s just the reality of life.

The problem arises when the pouring becomes all too regular and you constantly feel like your glass is continuously left empty, or pretty close to it. How can you begin to reflect on your own wants and needs when you give so much of yourself away on a daily basis?

The intention of giving the analogy between us as humans and a glass of water is that it applies a visual representation of what we go through as humans. Not just the idea of the expulsion of energy, but the physical removal of water from one cup, and placing it in another. It’s powerful when you think about it in this way. We all know that we exert energy going about our daily tasks, but when you think about the amount of water you remove from your cup, and what you’re left with, it can leave you thinking about how it is that you’re really showing up for yourself.

When you’re showing up for someone, think about how much water you’re pouring out. And take notice of the people who are constantly requiring a pour. We have to protect our energy so that we are able to take action on the self-care that our bodies so desperately need so we can show up for ourselves, before we show up for others.

At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person adult counseling in Houston and San Antonio. To learn more, please contact our counseling office.