Top 10 Reads of 2021

 Written by Michele Dial, M.Ed., LPC

Lead Therapist at Heights Family Counseling

As I revisited my 2021 reading list, some pretty distinct themes emerged: relationships, attachment, personal value, and self-compassion. I didn’t intentionally seek out books with these subjects in mind, but what I read tends to follow my day-to-day work as a therapist. This list mirrors the most prevalent topics my clients – and many other people I know, for that matter – have been wrestling with. In case you’re wondering why I didn’t mention trauma, it’s because each of these issues often stem from traumatic experiences. Trauma is at the core of so many of our disruptive beliefs and patterns. That’s part of the reason behavior change and rationale don’t “fix” our pain. We have to go to the heart. And these books do just that. So get ready – it’s truth-bombing, thought-provoking, mind-blown kind of ride with these reads. And I would read every single one of them again.

TLDR: Scroll down and read the quotes for each book. Hopefully they’ll give you an adequate taste of what you’ll get from each book.

The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor

This is my first read by Sonya Renee Taylor and I love her writing! On her mission to open our eyes to the path of inherited body shame as a culture, she shares her wisdom and vision in a unique and compassionate voice. I found myself saying, “Whoa” and “Daaang” more than a few times. In this work of art, she invites us all on a journey of radical self-love that must include dismantling damaging social structures that help create and perpetuate shame and self-criticism. When we start to recognize our own worth amid all our imperfections, then we can let go of our judgment and share that love with all the other humans in the world. Don’t worry, we still get to have opinions, beliefs, and preferences. Taylor isn’t trying to rob us of our individuality. Rather, she is inviting us to celebrate our individuality and our differences with mutual love and acceptance.

Quotable: “We did not start living in a negative partnership with our bodies. I have never seen a toddler lament the size of its thighs or its squishy belly. Children do not arrive here ashamed of their race, gender, age, or disabilities. Babies love their bodies! …. You were an infant once, which means there was a time when you saw your body as freaking awesome too! … Knowing there was a time when you loved your body is a reminder that body shame is a fantastically crappy inheritance. We didn’t give it to ourselves, and we are not obligated to keep it.”

Quotable: “Before body shame stripped us of our inherent sense of self-worth, it stripped us of compassion. … We thought the outside voice was our own, and we let it run roughshod over our lives. Then we judged ourselves for judging ourselves, trapped on a hamster wheel of self-flagellation. Oh honey, that is no way to live.”

Also notable: “Unapologetic inquiry number 14 [re: marketing messages]: When is the last time you made a purchase because you didn’t feel good enough? Did it change how you feel?”

Eat. Pray. #FML. by Gabrielle Stone (Book 1)

The Ridiculous Misadventures of a Single Girl by Gabrielle Stone (Book 2)

The first title says a lot about what’s in store with Gabrielle Stone’s two-part memoir. This is a story of self-reflection on a mission to heal. It’s written by young, hip author. And it contains adult language and experiences. Gabrielle Stone is an actor turned author who dares to share her most intimate and personal life experiences on her journey of self-discovery across the globe. Like many of my fellow humans, clients and friends alike, she’s struggling with the distorted messages and misguided beliefs that have been etched in her heart from a very early age. The path to changing these beliefs is often filled with unhealthy choices and painful realizations, which Gabrielle approaches with courage, determination, and a willingness to look close and look deep inside herself. This is a brave, vulnerable exploration into the places that scare us. And if you catch yourself smacking your head in frustration, don’t worry – she’s already there, calling herself out, and sharing wisdom I didn’t always see coming. Get ready to tackle some hard questions like, “Why can’t I be okay by myself?”

Quotable (book 1): “Why am I allowing someone to continually let me down? Every time he didn’t reach out; every time he told me he didn’t want to see me and then changed his mind; and every time he confused me by telling me he loved me. Another way I wasn’t really loving myself.”

Quotable (book 2): “Maybe it’s time that the world start teaching our youth that the only thing that truly matters is self-love and personal happiness because that is when you are able to attract everything you want in life. Because in the end, you have to be enough.”

Journey Through Trauma by Gretchen L. Schmeltzer, PhD

Surviving trauma is a feat unto itself. It stands alone as a major accomplishment. It takes a lot of self-awareness to recognize you’re not actually thriving, and a massive amount of courage to do something about it. Most of my clients who have reached this point in their journey, are ready to heal, but they’re also terrified to face their experiences because they don’t know what to expect. Dr. Gretchen Schmeltzer gets it, firsthand. As a trauma survivor and trauma therapist, she wrote this book as a guide for what to expect when you’re doing the courageous work of healing from your trauma. Unlike other books in this arena, she’s not talking about any particular type of therapy. Instead, she offers up a “trail guide” describing what you can expect along the journey, regardless of your method, based on solid research and experience – both personally and professionally. If you’re the kind of person who wants to know what to expect, read this book and find a trusted therapist to walk alongside you on this journey.

Quotable: “As both a client and therapist, I value the work it takes to turn feelings, memories, and experiences into language that can be shared and then stored into your own memory as a cohesive narrative. This is important, brain-changing, heart-healing work.”

Also notable: “That is the gift of integration. It shifts the trauma from eternally happening to where it belongs, in the past.”

Attachment Effect by Peter Lovenheim

The psychology world has been studying the concept of attachment for decades. Countless research experiments have been conducted, from classics John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to current researchers like Brene´ Brown, and they all confirm a central truth of being human – we are built for connection and community. In isolation, we flounder and wither away. So, if you are struggling with relationships, know that you are not alone; it’s a very human need and a very common human experience. And read this book. Peter Lovenheim set out on a mission to understand his own attachment and relationship experiences, and brings his findings and insight to the table to share with us. But this isn’t a dry, technical book. It’s a well-rounded, relatable consolidation of theory and real-life practice that extends far beyond romantic relationships into parenting, friend, and workplace relationships, as well as politics, public figures, and faith. If you want to understand how you show up in relationships of all kinds, what you need in relationships, and how your needs and ways of being developed over time, this book will shine a light on the contributing factors and how you can create healthy connections in your life.

Quotable: “Our attachment system tells us that, for safety and security, we need connection to at least a few special others, and that only through interdependence are we our strongest and most authentic selves.”

Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man by Emmanuel Acho

This is such an important work of culture and humanity. It changed me. It changed how I view myself and my fellow humans. Emmanuel Acho uses his unique perspective to take us on a journey of growth and understanding by answering some of the most common albeit uncomfortable questions at the core of racism. Acho openly addresses such important and harmful concepts like white privilege, denial, implicit bias (“kneejerk judgments about superficial differences between people”), and how we can move toward a more equitable existence for all human beings. The invitation to get uncomfortable is pivotal. It’s so much easier to ignore or avoid these issues because they are hard to engage in. But Emmanuel Acho gently, affectionately, and sometimes humorously, encourages us to step outside of our comfort zones and open our hearts and eyes. And he executes the journey beautifully, without judging his fellow travelers.

Quotable: “White privilege is the power of feeling normal. It’s the silent reinforcement of being able to walk into a store and seeing the main displays show products that cater to you. It’s being able to turn on the TV and see people that look like you represented in all walks of life. … It’s never wondering if your name is too white. … It’s something as simple as having a band-aid match your skin. … [It’s] the omnipresent benefit of the doubt.”

Also notable: “Everything great is birthed through discomfort.”

Try Softer by Aundi Kolber

Aundi shares how her traumatic childhood and early attachment trauma impacted her and how she has healed, not by pushing herself harder, but by trying softer. As she says, this work “is not about a one-time solution. It’s about a way of being with ourselves.” I love that. It’s a reality check for those of us who are critical and impatient with ourselves, reminding us that shame and judgment don’t promote healing and growth. Instead, we grow through gentle attention and compassion. But this book is not just about taking it easy on ourselves. Aundi incorporates her Christian faith and hardcore neuroscience to show us a path. Try Softer provides one of the clearest explanations of the brain structure and function that I’ve ever read, and provides several tangible exercises to help us develop healthier, more effective ways to work through our painful experiences.

Quotable: ”There’s no way to have cohesive stories without embracing all of it.”

Also notable: “There is no shame in surviving. But merely surviving is a far cry from living fully alive.”

Also notable: “Now that I’m an adult, my ability to heal is not contingent on [my mom’s] repaired connection with me because I can now tend to my wounds whether my parents choose to acknowledge them or not.”

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes

Early on in my counseling career, a colleague at an addiction and trauma facility suggested I read The Betrayal Bond. Despite best intentions, this book kept slipping to the bottom of the must-read list. Years later, I finally read it. Wow, I so wish I had read it sooner! It’s no wonder this book is a classic in the therapy community. It explains so much about addiction and exploitive relationships – their connection to trauma; how and why they develop; why people stay in them; and how to break free, or at least set boundaries when leaving a relationship is not an option. Traumatic experiences are so much more pervasive than I ever imagined when I first became a therapist. And that trauma, especially relational trauma, has the potential to permeate every other aspect and relationship in our lives. This book can help you start to untangle and break free of your painful patterns and develop more healthy partnerships.

Quotable: Relationships with primary caregivers create a relationship template that will be used across a lifetime.

Also notable: Two factors are essential in understanding traumatic experiences: How far our systems are stretched and for how long.

Also notable: Borderline personalities are people who have been hurt so badly they are afraid and on maximum alert all the time.

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson

This little gem is full of ironic and opposite wisdom. Mark Manson champions the idea that happiness comes from within, and is generated by our values and the metrics by which we measure our experiences. He turns some of society’s conventional concepts on their heads when it comes to curating a mindset toward new goals, and the art of choosing better or more important things to give a f**k about. He also shares his enlightening perspective on developing good values that can be achieved internally as opposed unhelpful values that depend on external events. It’s witty, practical, and empowering, without an ounce of condescension.

Quotable: “Our problems are recursive and unavoidable. The person you marry is a person you fight with. The house you buy is the house to be repaired. The dream job you land is the job you stress over.”

[In other words, the person / house / job is not a problem because you made the wrong choice. It’s the problem because it’s the one you have in your life, and any other one you might have chosen would also have challenges.]

Also notable: “The secret sauce is in the solving of the problems [the accomplishment]; not not having problems.”

Also notable: “Pleasure is not the cause of happiness, but rather the effect.”

What Happened To You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey

This work is a must-read for everyone who has been touched by traumatic experiences, directly, indirectly, or in helping roles. Dr. Perry has been working with people and their traumatic experiences for decades, and he shares the research and wisdom he’s gained about how our brains and bodies are impacted, and often fundamentally changed, by our life experiences. Perhaps the most pivotal element of his work is the lens through which he views all individuals. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” Dr. Perry asks, “What happened to you?” When we shift our perspective from viewing people as bad to seeing them as hurt, we can offer empathy, compassion, and a path to healing for lasting change. Oprah has worked alongside Dr. Perry in her philanthropic efforts for many years. She, too, shares her insights from this journey, as well as from her personal experiences with trauma and healing. This is truly powerful work!

Quotable: The despair that runs through nearly all destructive behavior is a deeply rooted feeling of unworthiness. … If you have experienced trauma but haven’t excavated it, the wounded parts of you will affect everything you’ve managed to build.

Also notable: Our first experiences create the filters through which all other experiences must pass.

More Quality Work

*  Running With Sherman by Christopher McDougall

®    A little bit of everything – mental health; love and loss; adventure; goals and determination; the wisdom of animals; animal-assisted therapy, and more)

*  An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison

®    An insightful personal account of the experience of Bipolar Disorder

*  Get Your Sh*t Together by Sarah Knight

®    A helpful perspective on decluttering and de-stressing your life with super simple techniques to pull it off

What have you read that’s worth sharing? I’d love to hear about it! Email me at micheledial@heightsfamilycounseling.com.

If you’d be interested in exploring our options for adult therapy, please contact us today.