Empathy or Validation, Or Both?

 Written by Ashley Taylor, M.S.W, LMSW

Licensed Master Social Worker

I was listening to a podcast the other day and the question that was presented was how are we supposed to go about showing empathy for those with who we know that we do not agree? The context in which this question was presented was not specific but it got me thinking of all the situations that this dynamic presents itself. I couldn’t help but think about those uncomfortable Thanksgiving conversations that we have with family members over holiday breaks, or the Facebook fights that unfold under political posts on our feed. In relation to the therapy world, I thought about this situation unfolding within our own romantic relationships. It is no secret that no matter how long we are married or dating someone, there are bound to be disagreements, and oftentimes it’s hard to validate how someone is feeling if we cannot gain empathy towards the way they feel. That’s when I started to think more about the relationship between the two. Can validation exist without empathy and vice versa?

The first part of my journey in understanding the relationship between empathy and validation started with simply defining these terms as they relate to relationships. Empathy is the ability to share the feelings of another person. This means not only physically placing yourself in their shoes but fully embracing and working to understand the experience while in those shoes. Validation is the act of recognizing that the way someone feels is valid, or reasonable. But the question here is, can you really validate someone's feelings if you don’t take a second to put yourself in their shoes and understand their lived experience? 

The answer that was given in the podcast explained that if we address people as wanting to be seen, heard, and loved, we can find empathy somewhere within that exchange. In a romantic relationship, I think that’s exactly what your partner could be desiring. Although your individual actions may not play a part in what your partner is seeking out validation for, sometimes it is and in order to validate someone else's feelings, we have to muster enough empathy to set our pride aside for whatever it is we are fighting for and saying, I hear and see you, and your point of view is just as valid as mine. After thinking deeper about this relationship between empathy and validation as it relates to showing up for our partners, I came to the conclusion that empathy and validation truly do go hand in hand. It could be argued that you do not need one to have the other, but when it comes to a romantic relationship, empathy and validation must coexist to foster healthy communication and understanding. 

For some of us, this is a simple task. And for others, (speaking to all my stubborn people out there) this is something that takes a lot of work. In thinking about what can make this so hard, I thought about the difference between how we see ourselves and how others see us. Sometimes these two are not in alignment. Your partner might be seeking out validation from you regarding a situation where they were left feeling like you did not care about them. If you see yourself as a caring person, this accusation can be off-putting and the defensiveness that results can leave you being unable to empathize, as this is not how you see yourself. That aspect right there is what can make empathizing with our partner’s emotions, followed by validation of our partner’s emotions difficult. It is almost as if the admission of our role in someone else's reality discounts what we have come to understand of ourselves, and that can be a tough pill to swallow.

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner is looking to be seen and heard, take a second to think about how you are showing up for them. Are you having a hard time actually understanding what they are saying or is it that what they are saying goes against what you have come to understand of yourself? In either situation, when we address our partners as desiring connectedness, instead of looking to prove a point, there is a lot more room for understanding and being able to create the space for the empathy and validation that they are looking for. 

At Heights Family Counseling, we offer online and in-person couples counseling in Houston and San Antonio. Contact our counseling clinic to set up a free phone consultation.